Look! Understandable Reactions…

Are you holding a grudge? About?

I’m not proud of the grudge I held onto for too many years. I’m sort of embarrassed, but I didn’t know, what I didn’t know.

That must be how grudges get started in the first place. Now, with more understanding, I let the past settle where it belongs, in the long ago past.

I used to wish things were different. I was often mad that I didn’t get what it felt like everyone else got. I hated being reminded that I didn’t. Life seemed completely unfair, like I was an innocent victim, I felt like I didn’t have any choice but to be mad and to rage against the shear unfairness and loss and all the implications that followed me.

When I realized that life doesn’t just seem unfair, it truly IS unfair, and accepted that, things began to change for me. I’m not the only one. Things happen to everybody in every stage of life. Trauma is part of what happens here on planet earth and we humans can only do our best to regulate. That’s what we did as children and it’s what we continue to do, but when understanding flows in, a light is turned on.

Understandable reactions to things. I tell myself this all the time. It was the only way I thought there was to react, so that’s why. Learning I have choices makes a huge difference for me.

Someone will say the wrong thing, I will say the wrong thing. I won’t mean to, but it happens. I don’t know why I thought I could prevent things from happening. I wasted many years trying or avoiding having to try. Yeah, hiding out wasn’t my best plan either.

Acceptance. I did rage against that for sure. Who wants a terrible cup of coffee? No one. But if one is served to me I have some choices. I don’t have to drink it or take it with me. I don’t have to complain or whine or let it ruin my day. Oh, I can do any of those things, including never ordering coffee again. I could switch to tea! Or I could leave it or toss it and go find a better cup somewhere else. It might cause me to explore a new area or try my own version. I never know what one experience will hold. The one thing that I now know that needs to be accepted, is the one fact. I was served a cup of coffee. What comes of it is up to me.

I do better accepting everything and everyone for what is. It’s not always easy. I may not ever completely understand, I now know that its okay when I don’t prefer this or that. Someone else might find that coffee to their liking. It’s okay that I don’t. I can try to understand or I can just let it be and move on. Always, I know to take the best care of me. Not deciding that there’s anything wrong with me or them or the coffee, is a choice. Being offended is also a choice. Staying in any state is a choice I used to not know I was making. I like knowing I can change my state.

I like knowing that I have some choices. I like knowing that the most important thing is that I look after myself. I like knowing I can take a moment or several moments to feel how Im feeling and then decide how I want to proceed. I like knowing about choice and actually, Im glad to be lead in different directions.

I’m less afraid as I learn to trust myself. For so long, I wanted the world and everything around me to change for the better. Now I see that what is, is less important then my response to it.