Guilty Grasshoppers

I just listened to a podcast about pleasure and pain. I guess I’m a Hedonist. I’ve probably evolved into a more responsible one over the years, but I’m pretty sure I’ve always preferred pleasure.

I used to think that pain equals good and pleasure equals bad, which explains all the marathons and 5am gym attendance. And dieting… I even devised many creative ways to endure hardship and discomfort while making them a little fun.

Turns out, suffering was never supposed to be fun. And guess what else? Suffering is not the way to happy. Being good at suffering is not a real goal.

Pleasure, real pleasure is actually a good thing. I’m not sure when this occurred to me, but I’m glad it did! Even now I’m still letting go of the guilt. I may have spent way too many years feeling guilty for enjoying my life. I’ve always been the irresponsible grasshopper, to everyone else’s worker ant. That parable packed a punch for me. Ive felt properly guilty for having fun, but still I never could change.

It’s not that I haven’t worked hard, it’s just that I like what I’m working at and I work hard at what I love. I also REALLY bask in the good and seek out the beauty and wouldn’t you know it, my life is brimming with wonderful things.

Which I still feel I want to apologize for. Or explain away. Don’t get me wrong, things are not ideal, in fact lately, they are a long way from perfect, but every day I wake up to fresh possibilities. to a new ever evolving moment in life. I still feel lucky. I get to laugh. I get to smile and I get to bask and delight.

When I have a hard day or moment, I have a name for it. Its called dysregulation and I know it’s temporary. I know what kinds of pleasurable things I could opt to do to bump myself back into balance. Small pleasant actions taken on my own behalf move me toward regulation. I think I’ve always known this. Music, flowers, chocolate, a walk, a phone call, pizza…Not as distractions, just sometimes a little nurturing is in order.

Oh to go in the direction that I want to be going and enjoy the process. Oh to love all of the little things like walking on dew soaked grass in the early mornings. Sunsets, sand, beauty, fun…

I want to do some things. I’ve done a lot of things. I’m here on the planet for a limited time, I guess I would like to enjoy it. No more guiltily painting or drawing. I’m calling it ‘work’ and if that makes me one of the grasshoppers, Im good with it.

I’m sweeping guilt out of my life at long last and learning to embrace my love of pleasure. It’s okay to be this way. It’s okay to not be. There is room for all of us here. Going forward I welcome my Hedonistic pleasure loving self. I’m not the only one. Where ARE my grasshopper people?