Monsters?

What have you been putting off doing? Why?

Shall I make a list?

I’ll stick to this one project. I want to find a printer who can print as nice a copy of Beatrix as the printer in California did. Why haven’t I yet? I’m worried.

Will it be expensive? Will I like the quality? Will it be difficult to explain what I want to them? Will they be able to upload it? Will I be able to send the file? I’m just writing randomly here.

I also need to put a new card on Etsy and pay my delinquent twenty cents. ( yes $.20 !) What if someone really bought a book? Would I know what to do? Will I get it in the mail in the right amount of time?

I want to try that Blaze thing. I told myself after I did 20 posts I’d do it, maybe when I write something ‘good’, maybe when my website looks better, maybe when I feel like I know what I’m doing…

I want to add this to Instagram and Facebook. At least I think I do. Do I have thick enough skin? How will I be when people don’t like me or my book and/or both? One time some well meaning person (who I’d known for a long time) wrote in the Facebook comments something about me having no self esteem. Whether or not it was true at the time, I was utterly embarrassed and blocked her. I felt bad but yeah…

Isn’t it always some kind of fear causing me to procrastinate? After writing out what I think I’m afraid of, I see that I can probably talk myself through most of these easily. Nothing is too scary here.

Again this has been a good exercise. I like figuring out this whole thing as I go. Taking a moment to pause and consider what might be in my way has been helpful.

When I was a kid I was afraid there was something scary under my bed. I would stand against the wall on my bed and take a running leap to jump as far across the room away from my bed as I could. I was sure that whatever I was afraid of would try to grab my ankle. One time on my way back to bed after jumping and going to the bathroom, standing inside my doorway planning my leap back onto my bed, I did the unthinkable.

I turned on the light. The switch was right there, I had to reach up, but it was for me, at five, an act of utter defiance and bravery. My parents ran a tight ship. When your light was turned off you were not allowed to turn it on. We had no night lights. If you weren’t sleeping you were pretending to sleep. It was just the way it was. I boldly flipped that switch and walked over to my bed, and LOOKED UNDER IT!

How many long nights did I lie there fearing, waiting until I had no choice but to leap that leap? Maybe I was still four. I don’t remember, but I can clearly picture what was under my bed that night. And more importantly, what was not!

Thanks for helping me sort some things out! Who cares if someone thinks I have no self esteem? I do so? I’ve figured out a lot to get this far. I can trust. I can find a printer. It’s all working out perfectly… is what I’m telling myself today…