Right Now

Hospitals, man. A world within a world. It’s a little microcosm of busy ness. It’s so contained that it makes navigating a little easy. You go in, you figure out the laws of the land, you go in again and again, every day there are changes, but there’s a structure and a rhythm. We are all grateful for that.

A lot can change from one day to the next. I have to also be respectful of the other characters who I am in this surreal hospital world with. Oh and let’s not forget that no one is comfortable. It’s cold. There is way too much waiting. Way way way too much waiting.

So my worst part of today is the general feeling of being blamed for the extra waiting. Yes my worst discomfort is from my childhood. My adult brain understands how tension and stress make people upset and how blame does happen, but how do I end up in the role of blamee? Ugh.

I desperately want to avoid this happening again, but as I type, I realize there is no avoiding what I didn’t cause in the first place.

Probably my best recourse is to stay neutral, let it go. If I wasn’t intuitive, I would be oblivious. I only need to endure this chill for a little longer, but oh the waiting. The excruciating waiting.

Our patient was last on the roister today. A new doctor, more changes. While our patient is the same. Finally we were able to escape. My sensitive porousness feels the utter sadness. It’s no secret that it’s a sad space this CCU unit. No one visits the other rooms. It’s slowly starting to sink in that this might be more of a stay then they originally led us to believe. No one seems to know.

It’s been a day of dysregulation, more like a full week of it. l’m sipping warm tea and walking as much as possible. Breathing deep long breaths when I remember to. There is no predicting what tomorrow will bring. Is there ever?

A cooked meal, resolved drama, a warm bed, things to feel grateful for right now.