All I Need…

All I need is a little excitement. A small incentive to keep putting one foot in front of the other. All is well, all is good. Our next leg is coming up soon and I am tired. I don’t see rest as a possibility, so my only choice is to power on.

Sometimes I don’t enjoy being intuitive. It’s hard to bump against awkward energy. I sometimes can’t find words for how I feel. For years I just thought it was my imagination. Those old days when I was told I was ‘too sensitive’ if I had strong feelings. I can remember even after I grew up and had kids other parents smiling and pretending no one was sad or mad or upset when they clearly were. Now when I walk into a room or up to a person, I at least don’t think I’m crazy or wrong, but I still need to work through how I feel. It’s my choice to feel and move through my feelings and find my balance.

This is not easy. Practice doesnt all the way make perfect. The only easier part is that I know what it is. I recognize the feeling, I know how to balance. I know a thing or two about breathing. It’s just that initially, I always feel every bit as bad, every bit as uncomfortable and dis-regulated. I’m no stranger to depression or discouragement but they are not states I want to stay in.

So here I sit in the sunshine. Here I sit looking at the water, listening to waves crash, birds call to one another, soaking up some vitamin D and trying not to ask any questions that I don’t want to hear answers to. All is well. The weird energy can’t reach me on this windy expanse of beach. Im good. Im breathing. I’m looking for what I AM grateful for.

It will all blow itself out soon enough. I know enough not to hold out for something to come along and change. I know I don’t actually need any outside occurrences to save me. I can save me. I can balance me. I can breathe and remember the things that I’m grateful for and wait patiently for my new thoughts to bring new feelings.