A Kindness Trend

What’s the oldest things you’re wearing today?

I have this necklace charm that I’ve been wearing forever. I got it as a place holder for a charm I was trying to replace several years ago. At the time I was living in a town that wasn’t a fit for me, and chose it as a reminder of where I was hoping to end up (near the ocean).

The charm that I have never been able to replace was given to me at a workshop thing I found myself in on the recommendation of a therapist. It was something I would never ordinarily sign up for.

He said it would be the equivalent of four years of therapy in four days. A bargain and a promise of accelerated healing? Yes please, sign me up!

I was trying to be fixed in those days. It was all about the what’s wrong with me puzzle. That’s how I ended up in a room full of twenty strangers, sixteen of us there to become better. The psychologists, after introducing themselves and having us introduce ourselves, told us to pair up. Everyone besides me and one other older man, enthusiastically found partners We ended up with each other because neither of us moved. He was there reluctantly at the request of his family. I was there reluctantly, but hoping for a new fixed me.

We endured the four days, all of us getting to know each other, extremely well, probably too well. Group therapy it seemed, really bonds you.

At the end of the weekend, we did all feel transformed. The man I was paired with was a jeweler. He made everyone a silver necklace with a charm of a sun on it. He said the sun was because of me. Something about me made him think of sunshine. He wanted everyone to remember sunshine as we returned to our lives.

This was a moment out of time that I will never forget. Me? Sunshine? I just spent four and a half days crying more than I ever had in my life. The weekend was brutal. I didnt recommend it to anyone. The pain people have in their lives is huge. We literally wept for everyone. Yet, everyone agreed, I was sunshine.

I had never heard this before. Ever. At that point all those years ago, I was fed up with being told I needed more confidence, I had bad self esteem, I was too sensitive, I was a problem. I was in therapy because my then husband said I was getting in the way of his therapy. It was annoying and (like Instagram), puzzling. If I could have changed who I was in the confidence department, I would have, hence the terrible weekend workshop.

What I got, was not expected. The people, not the therapists, told me I was something different than I knew myself to be. That was a gift bigger than any I’ve ever been given, the necklace, also an awesome gift, reminded me of that. I lost it running my first marathon. It broke and fell off the chain.

I never found a sun charm as cool as the one we had all been given, I settled for a silver sand dollar to remind me that I belonged near the ocean. That’s what I still wear.

I think sometimes people need helpful compliments that tell them who they are.

Maybe everyone does. I try even to this day to do this. If I see something positive about someone, I try to articulate it as best I can and TELL them. It’s hard to see yourself.

I grew up in a family that didn’t see positives and certainly didn’t tell people if they did. Instead, my family was more like the social internet that points out failures or offers criticism. Uh yeah, no wonder I had limited self esteem.

It’s so much more helpful to say something kind and positive, or hear it, but I guess no one understood that back then. Even teachers mostly didn’t. Pointing out what’s incorrect, was more the method.

If only helpful encouraging mirrors could be held up. If only that could become a trend…

I think everyone needs a good social mirror. Again, kindness changed my life. It can do that.