We made a quick decision to move to Connecticut to help G’s aging parents. In the wake of the his brother’s passing and then aunt, his stepfather’s worsening emphysema, G would say he didn’t have a choice. He insisted that I did.
I decided to leave California and go with him. We are married so as much as he didn’t want to make me go, I felt it was important that we stick together.
Within a month, we had packed up and left our home of 25 years. Neither of us knew what to expect.
Some not so fun times followed.
There were months of less than comfortable circumstances. We spent long days at multiple hospitals. There were so many clashes, plus months of unusually cold rainy weather. (which for the NE, is saying something)
It was tough in so many directions and didn’t let up. Just a long stretch of hard.
Here’s the silver lining
I learned some important lessons. I learned that I didn’t have to understand anyone or anything or even have anything go my way in order for me to keep my heart open. I learned how to control my own energy under some of the least favorable conditions. I learned to be quiet and let everyone and everything be. I learned how to find joy and stay positive no matter what any day brought (often quietly to myself). Some of my best moments were from the hardest days when I managed to keep my own spirit upbeat or rallied and came back from a downward spiral.
There was pending death, lengthy and mistake ridden emergency room visits, the oddest conflicts over so many surprising situations, then actual death. If it was something we couldn’t plan for, it happened. If it could be planned, it changed. Emotions ran high.
This time, as we journey back across the country after our lovely CA reprieve, there is a little more knowing of what to expect
This time, I understand that my mood is up to me. My energy is my own business (as is every one else’s, THIER business). I understand that I don’t have to wait for a good moment to feel good. I learned how not to be a victim of my circumstances.
These were big lessons.
I felt and saw the advantages of staying calm and letting things go.
I had ample opportunity to practice and as tough as it was, I’m truly grateful for the understanding that I gained.
Learning and practicing energetic awareness under those conditions was my boot camp. Learning to focus on and regulate my energy was an odd gift
In the past I mostly tried to hold on until things shifted and got better.
Living in perpetual negatively and daily stress felt like I had no options. News went on at six am. Problem after problem strung together into a constant loop of discontent. The days were just so long.
But I managed. I got better at catching myself earlier and earlier, I got better at getting back to fine. I even got to feeling better than fine. By the time we left, I felt like I had cracked the code.
Thoughts of returning are all over the place.
Still, as we journey back across the county, I’m feeling less confident. I’m out of practice and slipping back to worry filled sleeplessness.
I find myself falling into dread over going back. Big waves of dread and fear.
Hmmm
I guess,
I wonder how this is going to work out really well for me.
Peace Kit 