Details

(Heres a one I never posted from when I first broke my ankle)

Time has slowed down for me.

Details are more obvious when I’m not rushing. Lately rushing is a distant dream.

Its been such a weird gift.

I like being busy.

I like moving fast.

Whenever I first arrive in CT, I have to really adjust to the slower pace. In the beginning, I had such impatience over slowing down. Every time I was jarred out of my fast flowing woosh of energy, into what felt like painful waiting, minutes ticking by slow, slow, so s l o w l y, I could hardly stand it.

How was I supposed to get through a whole day at this pace, much lesss a whole season!?

Now, here I am learning to walk again. Speaking of slow, I’ve taken slowing down to a new level.

This has me noticing all sorts of different things. Important things. I am right here in every space filled moment, giving myself my full attention.

Apparently I have some fear.

Fear.

hmmm.

I don’t like to dwell on it, but well, it turns out, fear is a thing.

Instead of rushing past, not dwelling, kind of ignoring it, there is another way I’m learning.

I can stand and face fear, which I hate to admit , is an on going part of my life. Fear can really follow me around, so instead of pretending it’s not there,

I’m learning that I, single handedly, can calm myself. I don’t need anyone to come along and make things safe. I don’t need to ignore it or block it out by being busy and moving quickly. I can actually confront fear and calm myself.

This is a detail I have been paying attention to. I don’t even need to figure out what I’m afraid of. Now that I’m slowed down, and noticing, at the very first sign of fear (often it’s a tiny sick feeling), I just start deep breathing, asking myself what I need, how can I help, giving myself words of reassurance. It sounds a little crazy, but

It feels like I’m laying a new foundation. Adopting a new stance.

I have officially given up trying to be fearless.

Instead, I’ll be looking for ways to feel safe whenever I feel the first inkling of fear. So, slowing down and navigating safety, that’s the detail that I’m giving attention lately.

A strange little gift. From a really bad fall. And a really weird life situation.