I’ve been circling this querying process for a little while.

I’m not unfamiliar with most of it. I’ve attempted writing a query letter (several actually). I’ve researched agents. Ive participated in workshops. I even signed up for the query tracker app.

I have had many thoughts and several conversations about publishing. Both traditional and self and even managed the Amazon KDP thing.

Tradional publishing is a long shot.

Even worse, it feels tedious and time consuming to research agents and fit a query letter to their very specific specifications. I have abandoned my efforts part way in, over and over again for no other reason than sheer intimidation. Blame it on my ADD, I have yet to complete this whole process!

Its very much a maze that I havent figured out yet. Find an agent who is open to picture books who isn’t closed to submissions, who I can find on the app, who accepts emails and attachments, but likely prefers sample spreads pasted in the body of a very limited word count email. My clerical and tech skills are always challenged.

The main warning you hear is: don’t get anything wrong. Prefection shows you did your research. anything less than perfection becomes trash. Agents are very busy and don’t have time to bother with writers who can’t follow directions.

Uh.

Is direction-following in my DNA?

I know people do this. It doesn’t even sound hard…but…well

I decided to attempt some low stakes practice. I wrote a picture book, story boarded it into the right amount of spreads and edited it down to under 600 words.

For whatever reason, throwing the manuscript I spent years working on, to the wolves of what sounds like impossible odds, is harder than floating this one I tossed off in one day.

So here goes nothing. According to research, my story about an octopus who is appreciative and curious has the right arch and the right beginning, middle and ending to fit traditional publishing.

Now lets see if I can follow through and complete the maze…

I woke up tired.

I’m heading to yoga, I don’t feel like going.

Or really doing yoga at all.

What I feel like doing is going back to bed.

Its 10 oclock, so that isn’t going to happen.

But I want to.

My foot is sore. This discourages me.

I think I want to sit and do nothing.

All day.

Its only 10 oclock.

(I did put on my shoes and drove my tired self to yoga)

Then I worked, hung out with friends. The day unfolded and I forgot about feeling tired and discouraged.

I listened to this famous TED talk about body language.

One of the last things she says is

Dont fake it until you make it, fake it until you become it.

I’ve been on a long ankle healing journey. I’ve been pushing my ankle to do more than it has in a while. I want more from it. Then I pay. Then I push, and pay…

Apparently I’m in the “remodeling stage” of ligament healing. There are many small balance and strength and propioseptor muscles, facia and blood vessels that are busy becoming stronger.

Meanwhile,

I am being taught a giant lesson in patience. Patience for myself. This is a life lesson for me.

I have plenty of patience for other things, but my own limitations drive me crazy!

What I seem to be getting is a crash course in, listening to my physical body. Slowing down and paying attention to the falable human me has not held my attention over the years.

Now, I’m in constant communication with my balance, flexibility and strength. I haven’t taken one step in months that hasn’t notified me of how I’m doing.

I feel like I will never take effortless walking for granted again.

In this, I see a gift. I have never been more aware or thankful for walking in general. I’m incredibly grateful for all the healing my ankle has been busy doing. Every incremental improvement is noticeable. I can easily sit crosslegged now. Stairs get easier every day. I can wear any shoe. All the yoga poses I couldn’t do, I can with no discomfort now.

The extreme contrast of being hurt has taught me to feel a lot of gratitude for being well. For healing. Even for the slowest parts of my progression. My set backs have made me curious. They slow me down. They cause me to pay even more attention.

They get me to take care of me.

I’m weirdly in a season of extreme appreciation for something I could never have imagined feeling thankful for before it all happened.

Someone once said that you can’t know whats good or bad until a lot of time passes. Sometimes the things that seem like curses are blessings in the end.

I’m still very much in the cursed stage, but I’m pretty sure that the outcome is going to be amazing.

I also crashed this abstract figure drawing class.

I have been doing a little painting in between all the busy-ness of being here in in California. Smaller canvases.

Its funny how I sometimes stumble into things. (as if some unseen force knows me better than I know me)…

I randomly wound up in a class about color theory.

I have many reasons why NOT to go to a class about the color wheel. Luckily, I didn’t think, I just went.

And it was fun. Helpful.

After all these years in the business of art, I still need the reminder that this is who I am. There are days when I forget. At younger ages, I often gave up art. Decided to try something else, only to be dragged back by some serendipitous encounter. My first college major was not art. I have rebelled against my own nature often enough over the years.

Still, I’m open for a session where we are there to just paint.

Some days, I guess I’m meant to be painting…

My ankle feels better also. Probably from resting it. Quiet moments with paint, I’ll try to remember…

I have many things I’m working on at the moment, which I like. When I’m busy, I’m pretty happy.

As an artist, it’s important for me, to have at least one thing I’m working on that is my own.

After time off of this particular project, I decided to circle back. It happens. There are times I’ve nearly given up on something only to revisit it with fresh eyes, a new perspective and a jump in motivation. My first book is a good example. Many parts of getting it to completion were things I didnt know how to do. Lots of those things were hard and technical and I needed help with. When I came back, I was more ready to do the hard things.

So it is with this book. I worked so hard on making it into a perfect PDF. Its formatted, spelling and punctuation are flawless. The spreads all work and flow. But now I have to pour my efforts into query letters and selling. You know, the hard part.

I once heard an interview with a famous author who said she knew her book was good, she knew it would sell, but she also knew the hardest part would be to get it published. Several rejections later, which everyone knows is typical, she was right.

Page count, word count, hooks and precision. Here we go…

The story without cover or notes is 32 pages. Thats the right amount, but I have much to work on. So much.

for hours already this morning. I never know when a flow state is going to hijack me.

No complaints here.

I suddenly realized my feet are cold, actually I’m suddenly aware of my whole body feeling cold, probably a good idea to get dressed and have a hot cup of coffee.

This full body lack of awareness is a weird artistic super power. Drifting into this state is sheer brain peace. Its hard to describe, but trust me, it feels like a connectedness to a easier relm.

Its not cold outside. There is a Santa Ana today in California so I might just sit outside and warm up. Funny to be brought back by the sensation of cold on this spectacular morning.

When I bump out, its back to the cold ‘real’ world. Only. Which one is really ‘real’? What is truly cold? Checking the clock, its been three hours?

I’ve been thinking about peace again lately. This, not surprisingly, has once again worked its way into being a central theme for my paintings. These days when unpeaceful thoughts or conversations cross my path, my new habit is to look inward. And then like a subconscious nudge from I guess myself, it flows out onto paper or canvas. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I kind of enjoy that I am (surprised).

I generally would not have the conscious thought “Today I think I will paint a hand.” but this morning an open hand found its way into my painting, it kinda became my painting and I love it.

Its such a gesture of love and openness and gentle nurturing. I appreciate the little reminder that we are all more than what we think we are. We are powerful in deeper ways. Love is the strongest vibration. Love is safety and peace. Nurturance. It might be the perfect way to feel peace. Prehaps we could all enjoy a little nurturing now and again. I might offer that to myself since, well, I painted it…

Sometimes these prompts are funny.

I am no authority

Just in case I come off as one…

I have no elevated snack advice.

I love popcorn and chocolate and pretzels especially those peanut butter filled ones, and nuts. Um

I wouldn’t describe myself as a regular snacker, even as a small child, I liked a meal. I had a wide pallet and always ran around so much that when suppertime came I was hungry. Plus I was one of those that drank from the hose and didn’t go home all day. You know THAT generation.

When I had my own children, there was a lot of inbetween meal eating, I felt like I was always either making food or cleaning up after. I was a vegetarian for a couple of decades and definitely felt hungry more often. So in those days, I made a lot of bread and biscuits and healthy cookies, tofu-pudding etc…yeah. Don’t worry, I relaxed my health-kicky snack making when they were teenagers. (but we can all appreciate the horrors of being the brown bread hippie family)

My adult kids still chide me about our 90’s version of health foods, but what can I say, I was doing the best I could, homemade granola by the feed bag and all, whatever, it was an era🤷

These days I don’t seem to have the same need for snacks. If I slow down during the day, I love my hot tea and heavy cream, which I know, is not a snack, and I’m not recommending, because ginger tea is (I’ve been told) NOT a crowd favorite! Nor is warm coffee or really any warm drink. Off trend. So Sorry ice coffee friends, I might be still in the dark ages, and by today’s standards, a lousy snacker, but I think we can (mostly) all agree on chocolate ?!

I had to think about this one.

I looked up the definition and origin of the word. It sounds serious.

If you are on a mission you are going forward, you are focused on an outcome, you eliminate distractions, completion of the goal IS the goal.

Im not sure I have the personality…

When I was fifteen my family joined a religion that required all young men and any girls who turned twenty-one before getting married to serve a ‘mission’. The objective was for these young people to dedicate two years to preaching and sharing this church’s teachings with the world, thus baptizing new members in different countries.

When I learned of this, I was self aware enough, (at sixteen), to know that I was not cut out for any of that. I, having spent none of my life wanting to be married, actually rebelling at it and not being the least bit interested in any domestic duties, decided marriage was my only option. The church was a force, and so were my parents who bought into it completely.

Truth was, I wasnt cut out for either option, but someone else’s mission, that for sure wasn’t me.

So what about a personal mission?

Still.

I know there are enough people out there executing life with precision, completing missions left and right. I have only the utmost admiration for them. I tried for years to be one. I am no David Goggins. I know me.

If I had a purpose, it would be something like, remind myself that there is joy, there is laughter, there is fun. That self regulation is possible always, that everyone is going to be and do life their own way, that I can always return to a peaceful state internally. I can absolutely affect my own state no matter what happens. We all have this power, I’ve been lucky enough to have had to practice it.

A

lot.

I want my mission to be: get ‘Beatrix Butterfly’ published.

So that a handful of kids can grow up knowing this power. I think it can fortify everyone. Self regulation is a superpower anyone can benefit from.

Beatrix sweetly teaches this.

Some days ought to be celebrated. Often they are ordinary, unplanned and not even exciting. A regular day. Just randomly perfect.

I dont even want to explain why or how. If I could put something on a billboard, it would be that, because too many days like this have probably passed by me uncaptured, unrecorded. They may be lost in my memories because nothing dramtic anchored them.

A billboard can send out a remonder. Hopefilly I’ll pass it often and remember. For no one reason, today was the best.

Hmm

I do a lot of yoga. I have a daily meditation thing that I change up quite often. I prefer to stay present, but I think my tendency is to think about the future more than the past.

I also like to plan projects and give myself things to look forward to. I guess that is the answer, I think more about the future.

I do like to remember fun past moments. I love a good reminiscing conversation, but whats next, is enticing and interesting for me, always.

If you’ve been following my story, you know that I am spending time on both coasts these days, due to an ever changing aging parent situation.

You might also already know a few things about the challenges we’ve faced.

Currently, we are back im California. which for me being a more connected artist here and having this personality, feels like my home planet.

I have come to love and appreciate New England. I found amazing yoga and wonderful new friends there.

I have to say, you’ve probably already guessed, but this reprieve, this moment right now, is probably the greatest gift I could ever recieve!

A break!

Between the weather and the stress, oh my! The shift in energy is impossible to ignore. I am slowing coming back to myself. It feels like I’m thawing out. Things are moving! The moon is full, the year is new, life is starting to flow in the way that I’m used to.

The can-do-its-all-good mindset is replacing the impossible-heres-a list-of-whats-wrong attitude that I’ve been getting better at navigating.

Being home is a breath of fresh air. And a splash of sunshine. Long beach walks, design projects, family, friends, time and a place to paint… truly the greatest gift anyone could ever give to me!