No, I don’t want to ‘Relive’

Sure,

I have many wonderful memories.

As I look back on my life, through pictures or just reflecting back, I really have had a wonderful life.

I’ve had my share of George Bailey-all-is-lost- moments, but as the years march on, I can’t help but be grateful for all of it.

The hard times, the fun times, the sad moments and the boring ones. All my fears and shortcomings. All my mistakes and mistaken beliefs, every day in sequence, I’m glad for it all.

Would I go back knowing all I know now and change anything or appreciate things more as they were happening?

Nah,

I think the way it happened was the way it happened. Neither good nor bad. Some days I wish I’d lived less fearfully, made choices from a different stance, but it was all part of what shaped my life and me. Everything I’ve experienced has shown me, me. That’s how I see it today. (Subject to change of course depending on, well, plenty of things)

About a month into my ankle recovery, I started a crocheting project. I had nothing in mind but to relearn how to make a basic granny square. There was some yarn left over from G’s grandmother in the attic., decades old in an array of colors which I didn’t choose.

Online, I found many different patterns for granny squares. I got a little obsessed with them, learning new stitches, making up my own patterns. Soon enough I had a little pile of squares.

I decided to join them all together, but with what color? How could I possibly unify this hodge podge collection of yarn?

Once I’d decided , still making little squares, I (with my broken ankle) somehow got to Michael’s to find taupe yarn No surprise that the closest to my imagined color was not available. I had to settle on something else.

I was not excited about my project or in any way optimistic that it would turn into anything but a sad amateur attempt (and a terrible color combination) of a ‘throw’.

My favorite activity turned into listening to books or talks while icing my ankle and crocheting. Even sports on tv was a nice back drop to my new ‘hobby’.

In fact, I was actually enjoying sports more. I suddenly was curious. What’s a walk off win? What’s a slider? I googled how it was decided to retire the pitcher and go to the bullpen. Hmmmm

Don’t even get me started on my latest book ‘Quantum Revelation’.

So after bordering my squares and laying them out, G’s mom was suddenly invested. She found more bits of yarn. Used something called a ‘press cloth’ to flatten some of the squares. When I started joining them she wondered about all the loose ends. Ugh. I told her I needed to weave them in. We discussed the size and shape of the eventual ‘blanket’. G had some good laughs at me in the recliner, icing and crocheting settled in and ready to watch the next Bruins game.

Who was I becoming? How was this throw creating itself? If I’d never met my left handed friend, if she didn’t have a terrible crochet teacher, if I hadn’t broken my ankle, if I wasn’t the type to get obsessed, if I didn’t need a ride to yoga, if if if, there would be no pile of squares, no listening at length to quantum theories, no interest in the World Series, and likely no endurance feelings about watching TV. Oh and no sitting comfortably in the recliner…

Laid out, my squares had all kinds of problems. When I pulled one corner to straighten one side, the rest of it needed to be pulled. These squares were a weird metaphor for everything. Affect one part and the rest is affected. As I decided on how they needed to be arranged, several possibilities presented themselves, I was aware that others existed, but I found one that worked for me. As I joined them, they straightened out each other. As they became one, they became something better than what they were as squares and certainly more than the yarn I started with.

It occurred to me that facia in our bodies was probably like the web of energy that we exist in. (similar to my crocheting). My broken ankle has affected other body parts, similarly one strong energetic happening in one place often has affects in completely different places. Tug one corner…

How could I want to relive what has already happened when I have so much more to learn and experience?

I needed these lessons and a few others. A way for me to learn made itself up and occurred and keeps occurring. Am I paying attention? I hope so. I think I am…