I’m writing a query letter for a literary agent. I did this many many long years ago after I wrote my first book. I sent it out to one agent after another. Nothing. Not one publishing house, not one agent would accept a new manuscript. It wasn’t exactly rejection, more like a waste of my time. It was one of those discouraging things I never tried my hand at again.

This is saying something since I have entered many juried art shows and competitions. Breaking into the art world? I’ve done some diswading things just being an artist, but man, the literary world is tough! Tough enough that I never tried again. I’m clearly no Jk Rowling in the tenacity department Yet here I am again…

That first attempt at a book became a gallery fiber art show. I did the illustrations in wool inlay felt. It was a intensive labor of love that sold and disappeared. Somehow, I fell in love with the process of writing and illustrating picture books. Go figure.

‘Peaceful Hearts’ seemed different. It all came to me in a moment. The words did, making art takes longer, but it fell together perfectly in a lovely cosmic way. Plus it was a soothing response to some ptsd I was working through.

That journey was all over the place. I had two small publishing houses very interested and willing to go forward with it. The glitch was that the sample copies of books they sent me both had washed out illustrations which were completely unacceptable to my artistic brain.

I found a publisher that would essentially do a hybrid self publication. I worked closely and for weeks with their head designer. I didn’t even know what a PDF was or what ‘dots per inch’ meant or why it mattered, back then. I didn’t understand the importance of an ISBN number or why when they accidentally left it off or didn’t asign me one, it would cause so many problems. Wow did I learn some important things!

(Note: never buy an ISBN number on the internet from some third party person who swears it will work, it won’t)

Fast forward to to today. I’ve spent every free minute filling out the online submission form and reading about, then writing a query letter. Twelve year old Lily suggested I use more ‘energetic adjectives’ , but said it was otherwise good. She wondered if I wanted to run it by her English teacher because she’s a real stickler for grammar and punctuation.

Coincidentally, the sample copy of ‘Peaceful Hearts’ soft cover from Amazon came. It needed some adjusting, but was otherwise a huge triumph. The girls helped me make corrections. It’s an actual hard copy of a book anyone can order and have delivered from Amazon.

I’m not sure why I’m about to waste my time and fry my nerves filling out this query form. Self publishing has lost much of its stigma over the years. Some self published books get picked up. You never know. I’m just following what feels like a next step. At the very least, I’m sure I’ll learn a thing or two, I always do.

We just drove down the coast from the Central Valley to San Diego. A beautiful drive if you don’t count LA. (sorry LA, traffic still sucks in a Tesla)

Tidy snacks, do they have those? We tried. We did pretty well actually. Did I mention that we were driving my daughter in law’s parent’s brand new Tesla? Only because it held a longer charge than their’s and we would only need to stop for one hour at halfway to charge one time. Did I mention it was a six hour start-to-finish drive with a two year old? Thats a lot of sitting in a car seat. Sandwiches wouldn’t work. (Have you watched a toddler eat a PB and J lately? It’s a whole thing). We stopped for breakfast, but in toddler time there are many long snacking hours before lunch.

They had an appointment at 12:30. I had my meeting at 2. Somehow lunch was a quick hello to cousins and a few cucumber slices when we arrived.

My meeting was at first stressful, (getting there on time), then lovely, and long. By 4:30 the sun was dipping, a marine layer had rolled in and I suddenly noticed that I was cold. We were sitting at first in the sunshine.

When it was over, I realized I was hungry, cold and my blood sugar was dipping. Breakfast was too early for me, and lunch wasn’t really lunch so as time started creeping towards five o’clock, no wonder I was getting a migraine. G to the rescue. He swooped in with grown up snacks and some tylonal.

Circumstances got the best of me. Despite all the great things that happened all day, I needed a warm bath, a good meal and an early bedtime. Some days, no matter how fun or perfect, need a little time to wrap my brain around., I’m still wrapping.

Today I started with meditation at 6:00am. I then dressed myself and a toddler, brushed my teeth, then toddler teeth, my hair, toddler hair. Clips for Hazel too. Coffee, toddler tea (warm water honey and cream) and breakfast.

Set up to paint and film. Painted, filmed (badly). Ever try painting with a twenty six month old? It’s hard enough to film my own hand painting. This activity took all of seven and a half minutes start to finish because she was all done and it was clean up time.

Next we worked on the KDP page which I’ve filled out fifty times already, but never with a toddler on my lap who is desperate to ‘help’

Then she wanted me to peel an orange. She ate about a third of it. Then she wanted a pear, ate three bites. Then we played with her doll house for another seven minutes. Then we sent emojis to Grandpa G. Then she wanted an apple, which there were none. She spent a full minute looking in the cupboard before announcing that no there weren’t any apples.

Tried to work a little more on the page. Somehow it was exasperating and she ran to the carpet and laid face down. We tried a little breathing. She popped her head up and was ‘all better’ so we decided to go to the park. We had to spend some time picking out shoes and putting them on first. This is a pic from yesterday. Shoes take longer than seven minutes. Every day.

The park was fun. Hazel got a good run. we all had a good run, back and forth at the corn hole court. Hazel was so well behaved she needed a treat. We crossed the street carefully and walked home.

Doll house play, Snack time, followed by sandbox time, ball playing with Hazel, and tree hugging ( I didn’expect that). More dollhouse and finally lunch. How many different things can we squeeze into a morning? By 12:30, I wanted a nap!

Nap time came and went. Then momma cooked dinner while Daddy and I ran in circles, played house and listened to Frozen songs. Some drawers were emptied, a snack was made and nibbled at. We worked on the cover and getting everything uploaded. (I was skeptical about making a print on demand copy of my first book after trying and then struggling to get the digital copies to upload, but my son wanted to see if we could do it) with his tech skill.

I changed a few things and reformatted it yesterday.

Right before we sat down for supper, we approved everything and hopefully a book called A Peaceful Heart will show up in Amazon.

Supper was delicious. No we could NOT play baby bird. Momma was a firm no. Bedtime at last. The grownups were all exhausted.

So yeah, a full day.

Toddlers move fast. Not only physically but emotionally too. My whole world is revolving around one adorable two year old who excells at outlasting all of us grown up people.

When we are too exhausted to do much of anything, she’s not. At the end of a busy active day, she has run-in-circles-energy, bursts of song lyrics and belly laughter to spare.

She also accerts her opinions, her preferences, her every want or desire, along side her protests and disapproval. She changes her mind, before and after she’s made it up. She will insist upon and then resist the same toy or snack, back and forth with dizzying speed. One moment we are laughing and in the next, frustration will overcome her/us. All

She is the tiny embodiment of more. More bubbles, more chocolate, more songs, more running while simultaneously squaring off with a firm no. NO! The sheer power of that word is not lost on this two year old. She’s been the easiest going of the lot, but wields just as firm a no as any boundary enforcing border patrol.

I love watching us all wear down as the day progresses. We all look at each other as we continplate bath time. Just wrestling our compliant little person into pjs seems daunting, but a bath too? We are talking about a very agreeable, helpful girl here. Her favorite part of every activity is clean up time, singing away, she is confidently effeciant.

We’ve just spent hours trying to decode what she has wanted, then not wanted, then needed. We have played and pretended and figured out that when she’s yelling ‘Momma’ it’s dinasuar momma she means and baby dinosaurs she’s play-acting out the drama of, not her mamma and not her own drama, though these do come up frequently enough to confuse us and keep us on our toes. We have tried to prevent climbing or at the very least spot her as she traverses dangerously. Ran with her in circles and danced again and again to Frozen songs. Today we attempted painting, on top of the many messy snacks and meals we find ourselves wiping up after. It’s been another full fun beautifully tiring day.

I love the speed of natural regulation she models. Her quick bounces through extreme emotions. I’ve spent most of a lifetime trying to master something, this little one seems to do with finesse. I’ve watched her fall, decide if she’s hurt, jump up and keep running. I’ve also watched her get hurt and insist on a tearful kiss on the toe, knee, elbow, a long hug and a carry, then get right back down for more running.

Maybe deep down we have a natural inclination to self regulate. Maybe we just need to awaken an ability we were born with, or uncover what experience has covered up. I don’t know. I do know I’m paying attention.