Since Spring and Winter merged this year in New England, it should be no surprise that its 46 and raining again.

Gray skies, wind off the sea, rattling windows, the whole thing.

It’s Memorial Day weekend. According to my weather ap, summer isn’t even around the corner. No summer weather is coming soon for us.

If things were slightly different, I wonder if it wouldn’t be so bad.

I don’t mind the rain. I love many rain related things, I appreciate the green and the flowers. The fresh smell…

For a few reasons rain is a weird challenge here. Strange that in a place that has such diverse weather patterns, weather is so affecting of everything and everyone.

I find myself constantly wondering what can make this better? What can help us get through the next five days? I never have this amount of attention on weather usually.

I worry about everyone. I can’t believe my own relief and gratitude for just making it to bedtime.

What the heck? Its 3:36pm. So many long hours lay ahead. Too many gray and rain filled days.

Conflicts are harder. Every part of my situation is so much harder in this weather. I wish I could hibernate until the sun comes out, then troubleshoot through the rest of what’s already difficult.

Mental health, man, I am feeling compassion for anyone who struggles. The general climate of everything, of life on planet earth, all of it, feels lousy.

And now its going to rain for two weeks.

Cold. Wind. Rain.

Straight.

No summer

In the middle of all this rain-thought, I went to yoga.

And stayed.

What happened to my brain there was the exact miracle that I needed.

I stopped thinking about the weather. I stopped thinking about the plight and struggle, the conflicts, the worry.

I stopped thinking.

For a little while I just breathed and moved.

There was the reminder that we are more than this humaness. We are much more. For a small part of the day, energy shifted and lightened. The rain kept falling, but everything felt suspended. Paused.

Until I got back in my car. Checked plans. Returned to the ‘real world’

Which had not shifted or changed. Had instead, if anything, taken a worse turn.

I am left maveling at the mind phenomenon that I experienced. No real thing changed. Nothing popped up for me to look forward to. No fun. No better circumstances…

Plus, it was fleeting. I quickly returned to the mire, but there was something good bookended by its opposite. Something amazing in the middle that has me wondering once again, about the power of my own mind.

I was tricked into looking in a different direction, for one short moment, I got relief.

I am not new to the this. I feel like I have been studying mindfulness and mind science for years. For some reason, today, I got a different perspective.

I hope I won’t forget this. The sweetness of relief, the depth of discomfort. The shifts of energy back and forth and back.

I saw how real the ‘real world’ can feel and be. How thoroughly convincing and absolute, life can appear. I saw how nothing came along nothing changed, only my focus. I saw how impossible it seemed and was! But then wasn’t. I guess I needed a strong dose of what isn’t helpful to sandwich the extreme contast of what is, so I could really experience the difference.

Epilogue: The rain finally stopped. Its 7pm on Monday night. I am enjoying a rare moment in the sunshine sitting peacefully beside my partially planted garden. Temperatures climbed to 64 which feels as miraculous as anything. Moods shifted. The weather ap changed its forecast. A measure of disgruntledness lingers, but feels less all encompassing. I can sidestep. Ony a few more hours until bedtime.

Here is my little painting on the wall in a little gallery in New London.

I have my toe in the door.

Its not easy to break into a new art scene. Plus the pandemic changed everything, art is no exception.

I was pleasantly surprised that all four of the local area galleries were putting up shows when I visited. One was very new and we were lucky enough to have the director show us all around.

Another director encouraged me to submit for an upcoming show. The cause was good, I liked the theme, so I did. She also invited me to sell my books there.

Friendliness all around.

I’m making friends with local artists, I set up my studio space. I’m teaching classes. I’m even doing some interior design work.

I guess hiding out in New England, for me, has run its course.

I heard a good story about an owl recently and the message was simply : you don’t have to hide, instead, be big!

Timely humorous.

I am learning to notice. I am learning to appreciate little things that often get overlooked because they are wedged between obvious noticable problematic things.

This is my new super power.

Yesterday was one of those days. Cold, gray, Monday. No one seemed to be in a good mood. Even at yoga. I think the weather is starting to get even the toughest New Englander down. Its almost June, but still in the 40s and 50s. Days of rain and wind and gray. On top of the rest of whats on the news…

Yesterday, a portion of road closure, rerouted me through a beautiful forest scape. Both sides of the road, trees for as far as the eye could see. At long last, I noticed, that the leaves are back. Bright green and bursting to life, pops of pink and white flowering bushes and trees interspersed in wide tall swaths of green.

Spring has bonanza moments here. As nature wakes itself up, birds are everywhere calling to one another long before dawn, carrying foliage, building nests. A mother fox lives down the road with her four adorable babies. Bunnies, squirrels, badgers. It’s practically a Beatrix Potter story. And exactly that magical.

I kept looking at the trees. Only a few weeks ago, lifeless sticks, now swaying as if dancing, while tiny unfurowing leaves flutter in the wind. Its kinda breathtaking, something you have to notice to appreciate, but once you do…

Nature can be magical.

I don’t like to give advice, but I wish I’d given myself this a long while ago.

Something like, if it feels uncomfortable don’t do it or if you can’t avoid, wear a warm coat

Stay out of the wind, and when you can’t wear a hat.

Don’t cross paths with wolves or coyotes or get into conversations about them.

If its none of your business, don’t talk. If it becomes your business, let the other person talk first (you’ll know).

Go to yoga even if its fake Easter. Do your asigned part, but also take care of you. Be helpful if needed, stay within the peramiters. Dress as if it’s actually Easter.

Sometimes being right and quiet is the best way to be right.

Being right in some (most) cases doesn’t matter at all.

I’ve learned the hard way. It took a few years. Im not sure why, but I get it now. Put the oxygen mask on youself first. Its a metaphor for life.

I now spend most of my time here doing things I like doing. I got a job teaching, I walk with a friend, we laugh, I do a ridiculous amount of yoga, I even have my art in a gallery, my books in a handful of establishments. Instead of enduring, I’m sidestepping. Instead of trying to blend in, I decided not to.

Weirdly, even when others are spending their days doing things they don’t want to do, and disliking it every step and in every conversation, I give up any guilt for being happy. Also weirdly, if I’m happy, I tend not to be part of problems.

Here’s the yoga term I just learned:

“Ahimsa”.

Its a Sanskrit word that means do the opposite of harm. Not just do no harm, but actively do good. Uplift, inspire, encourage, love, show kindness, invoke joy. Nurture, heal, help…

As my yoga teacher suggested, we start with ourself!

AHIMSA!

is what I ask whenever I’m having a particularly rough moment.

Often I can’t see any good solution, but I never want to decide there isn’t one because I know there is a vast intelligence out there working out much bigger, much harder problems than I’m probably having.

I trust that time, combined with me letting go, will adjust perspectives and usually move things.

Asking that one question is helpful because it keeps me from starting on the all-is-lost-downward spiral that I may otherwise be about to fall into.

Sometimes, I even remember past issues that felt insurmountable, then gently played out into better than I could have imagined scenarios.

I have several examples, but here is one I’m experiencing right now:

Back on the east coast, many of the issues we endured previously have resolved and been replaced by good things. On this first day of May, I already have a fun new position teaching cooking class and meditation. My book is being sold in three separate locations, I dropped off paintings ready for hanging in a gallery, yoga is even better than it was, I just today got my keys to a studio/work space.

Its starting off in a completely different way than other years.

I had to let go of many things, many concepts, many beliefs. I had no choice but to let time do its magic. Plus I think I had lessons I needed to learn. How to care differently for one thing and how to disern what truly matters.

A lot can change as the years pass. Asking good questions is one way for me to find some perspective and remember there are possibilities I wouldn’t have thought of.

In most people’s world, not a big deal.

Plus the sun is out. No clouds just bright and clear.

How am I dressed? I’m quite sure it doesn’t matter since I have on my warmest gigantic coat.

Ugg boots are not warm enough, really how practical is suede when it rains, (this happens unpredictably often, even if its not mentioned in the forcast). My coat has a hood. This is very practical. Plus I have no shame.

Yesterday I was walking behind two girls without coats. My hood was zipped and buttoned around my neck. Hardy, these New Englanders weren’t bothered by the cold wind blowing relentlessly off the water. (Directly into our ears). Not even a little.

Me? I can’t look at the weather ap without feeling depressed. Walking in 36 degree windy weather isn’t my favorite. Neither is knowing its going to be like this for at least ten more days straight.

Thankfully its not going to rain every day.

Thankfully I just have to get myself to yoga.

Thankfully, I know I will acclimate.

Thankfully I made it through this whole long day…

Am I?

Its a more typical early Spring New England day, today. Aka: rain/wind/cold and gray

We had wacky summer weather for most of the week since we arrived.

Its only been ONE week! That alone is something to take in.

The gift?

I have yoga! Every day. My arms are feeling it, but so is my brain!

Breath attached to movement is good for so many things.

Stress for one thing. Staying focused.

I am so much more chilled out than I was when I first got here.

My first full day was rough. I skipped yoga because the class was advanced and my ankle had just driven across the country. By bedtime I was completely overwhelmed. So much all at once and nothing real to do but worry about things that I truly don’t usually worry about. (No yoga for me for at least two weeks)

By 2 pm I was already depressed.

Six days of yoga and meditation and I am light. I’m calm. I’m fine.

The weather forcast is bleak, Morale is down. Problems are multiplying. News is unavoidable.

BUT

Im managing.

I’m regulating.

I’m okay.

Plus I know I’m lucky.

I didn’t go to yoga the first day back.

I wish I could bottle the affects if a good yoga class and pour that into my coffee.

It must be the combination of breathing consciously, moving, stretching, community and over all good vibes. I leave better than when I came in, everytime. Not really distillable.

My life is used to yoga. Its not like going to the gym.

I think the gym is good, strength training is important, you just don’t get the complete whole mind/ body/ spirit treatment there and I seem to have gotten myself accustomed to having it.

Plus I find the yoga experience resets my mind when I get knocked out of alignment. If I need to regulate my nervous system, again yoga. Its a pretty well kept secret, that little magical reset.

I feel somewhat optimistic today. There will be fun. Joy is always around here, even if I have to search for it a little.

I’m okay. Two classes later and i really am.

I’ve been circling this querying process for a little while.

I’m not unfamiliar with most of it. I’ve attempted writing a query letter (several actually). I’ve researched agents. Ive participated in workshops. I even signed up for the query tracker app.

I have had many thoughts and several conversations about publishing. Both traditional and self and even managed the Amazon KDP thing.

Tradional publishing is a long shot.

Even worse, it feels tedious and time consuming to research agents and fit a query letter to their very specific specifications. I have abandoned my efforts part way in, over and over again for no other reason than sheer intimidation. Blame it on my ADD, I have yet to complete this whole process!

Its very much a maze that I havent figured out yet. Find an agent who is open to picture books who isn’t closed to submissions, who I can find on the app, who accepts emails and attachments, but likely prefers sample spreads pasted in the body of a very limited word count email. My clerical and tech skills are always challenged.

The main warning you hear is: don’t get anything wrong. Prefection shows you did your research. anything less than perfection becomes trash. Agents are very busy and don’t have time to bother with writers who can’t follow directions.

Uh.

Is direction-following in my DNA?

I know people do this. It doesn’t even sound hard…but…well

I decided to attempt some low stakes practice. I wrote a picture book, story boarded it into the right amount of spreads and edited it down to under 600 words.

For whatever reason, throwing the manuscript I spent years working on, to the wolves of what sounds like impossible odds, is harder than floating this one I tossed off in one day.

So here goes nothing. According to research, my story about an octopus who is appreciative and curious has the right arch and the right beginning, middle and ending to fit traditional publishing.

Now lets see if I can follow through and complete the maze…

I woke up tired.

I’m heading to yoga, I don’t feel like going.

Or really doing yoga at all.

What I feel like doing is going back to bed.

Its 10 oclock, so that isn’t going to happen.

But I want to.

My foot is sore. This discourages me.

I think I want to sit and do nothing.

All day.

Its only 10 oclock.

(I did put on my shoes and drove my tired self to yoga)

Then I worked, hung out with friends. The day unfolded and I forgot about feeling tired and discouraged.

I listened to this famous TED talk about body language.

One of the last things she says is

Dont fake it until you make it, fake it until you become it.

I’ve been on a long ankle healing journey. I’ve been pushing my ankle to do more than it has in a while. I want more from it. Then I pay. Then I push, and pay…

Apparently I’m in the “remodeling stage” of ligament healing. There are many small balance and strength and propioseptor muscles, facia and blood vessels that are busy becoming stronger.

Meanwhile,

I am being taught a giant lesson in patience. Patience for myself. This is a life lesson for me.

I have plenty of patience for other things, but my own limitations drive me crazy!

What I seem to be getting is a crash course in, listening to my physical body. Slowing down and paying attention to the falable human me has not held my attention over the years.

Now, I’m in constant communication with my balance, flexibility and strength. I haven’t taken one step in months that hasn’t notified me of how I’m doing.

I feel like I will never take effortless walking for granted again.

In this, I see a gift. I have never been more aware or thankful for walking in general. I’m incredibly grateful for all the healing my ankle has been busy doing. Every incremental improvement is noticeable. I can easily sit crosslegged now. Stairs get easier every day. I can wear any shoe. All the yoga poses I couldn’t do, I can with no discomfort now.

The extreme contrast of being hurt has taught me to feel a lot of gratitude for being well. For healing. Even for the slowest parts of my progression. My set backs have made me curious. They slow me down. They cause me to pay even more attention.

They get me to take care of me.

I’m weirdly in a season of extreme appreciation for something I could never have imagined feeling thankful for before it all happened.

Someone once said that you can’t know whats good or bad until a lot of time passes. Sometimes the things that seem like curses are blessings in the end.

I’m still very much in the cursed stage, but I’m pretty sure that the outcome is going to be amazing.