My mind can trick me into believing things. Sometimes it can be very convincing and start me thinking that things are not going to be okay. When this happens, I need a strategy to trick it right back.

The last thing I want to do is to let it get away with it. I KNOW that I can’t predict the future. Most people can’t, but my mind likes to pretend otherwise. It doesn’t help when I read those quippy quotes about believing or not believing because my mind can, at times, be cunningly pessimistic When I’m off balance and dis regulated, my mind left unchecked, will start right in on me. At the worst times, it wants me to believe the worst things!

I used to be gullible. I used to spend long sleepless nights worrying incessantly about the pessimistic future my mind would invent for me.

Now I’m onto it. When I challenge it, my mind might try to scare me with some misremembered evidence from the past. I counter with positive past evidence, because there is that too. It’s pretty obvious which is more helpful, but my mind, though it might be trying, is often not helpful .

I have learned that I can separate and observe the mind chatter with all it’s theatrical inventions and not become caught. I can let go and NOT believe. (In yoga they call it monkey mind, and if you know monkeys, they are clever little tricksters)

I can question the logic, I can suggest other possibilities. I can use my imagination to invent a favorable future. I can actually trick my own mind into considering and believing some good possibilities. Did you know that if you stand with your arms open wide for two minutes that your brain will think it’s more confident.? Or that smiling will fool your brain into thinking it’s happier.

I’m only suggesting that if my mind can try to make me feel sad and afraid and terrible, it’s only fair that I counter with tricks that help me feel better. Feeling calm and confident makes more sense. It makes me more productive. It helps me be more open to enjoyment and fun. I have a better chance for positive outcomes when I’m not sidelined believing my nay-sayer mind.

I don’t know why my mind chooses to worry when I’d rather be falling asleep. Even if I did know why, it wouldn’t probably stop. I’ve been a habitual worrier since childhood. For years I didn’t know that I had any power over this. I used to think thoughts came from what was happening, what happened or what was about to happen. Now I see that I have an internal commentator who swings the ‘facts’ into meaning all kinds of things, (not unlike some popular news stations). If my unconscious ‘agenda’ is to scare myself, then of course worry makes sense, but if I want to show up calmly confident, I need to pay closer attention and sternly question my monkey commentator. When she isn’t being helpful, it’s time for me to be strategic.

If I’m going to have a treat, and I am, it’s going to be the best one for the moment. I’m not just talking about sweet snacks. In fact, As I let myself include larger non food related treats, I think what I choose actually helps me define me. It has helped me to better know who I am. Where I used to crave, sometimes in a sad or tired way, starchy sweet treats pretty much daily, I now try to spread out and elevate the things I treat myself to. I even choose adventures as treats that I look forward to.

I’ve never been a billionaire, but if I was, I likely would have done most of the same things (maybe in more style, but I don’t regret the gritty finagling I had to do on my tighter budget)

My more memorable treat experiences, have taken me quite outside my day to day comfort zone. Going to the opera comes to mind.

I didn’t know a single fellow opera fan. I treated myself regularly to listening to Pavorotii loudly in my car, alone. Venturing out became a whole thing. I ended up talking a friend, her son, my son and four additional teenagers into taking part in an opera out reach program. It was affordable, (the kids were free) ended up being educational and adventurous in ways I couldn’t have predicted. Opera is a weird thing, I’m well aware, but I love it. Going to a live performance was breath-taking and fun. Even the kids had a good time.

It’s fun to have something to look forward to. It’s fun to include other people. Sometimes treats even become celebrations, but they don’t have to. A simple well steeped tea, sipped lazily by yourself can be a luxurious treat.

Life has plenty of treat options. As I look around ideas just pop up. What do I like? What do I enjoy? What gives me pleasure? A trip to the grocery store for ingredients to make a delicious supper or a dessert can be a treat. A trip to a craft store, or thrift shop or book store. Often other people’s ideas are treats we wouldn’t have thought of

My treat today is a less that successful fishing trip with some people who like fishing a lot. After a fairly successful garage sale, I found it relaxing. The overcast day had a gentle breeze blowing, the sound of water lapping the shore, pleasant company, I didn’t know fishing was a nice treat and a great way to unwind. I would never have thought of it on my own!

I’m hoping to be open to more and more ways to be treated, because there is nothing like a good treat to help me feel satiated and regulated and ready for more of what life has in store for me!

Traffic. Yikes!

Just the thought of it can bring up stress. We all have stories of how particularly bad traffic messed up our day.

Rushing and traffic is a terrible combination. Commuter traffic, no one’s favorite.
Here’s the thing, traffic is just another experience in life. It means whatever we make it mean. I’ll not say you can make it pleasant, but I will say you can make your own personal experience of it better or worse. I frankly, love knowing this.

I used to believe that life was always throwing itself at me and I, like a dodgeball player was either getting bombarded or running, always running, trying not to be ‘out’. I would see others sailing through and wonder what I was doing wrong.

It turns out, it was all in the chatter in my head. What I say to myself about things like traffic, is what I now notice. I can always frame anything to make it sound better to ME. I’m the only one who needs to hear my better self talk. I guess that’s why they call it self talk. If I can distract myself with some positive thoughts or just find something absurd or funny, I can shift the way I feel, if only slightly.

On the way to yoga I sometimes find myself rushing. It is a bit of irony and if I think about it, silly. I could leave earlier, but if I’m going to be late, I CAN relax about it. Traffic on the way to me rushing to yoga is one big cosmic joke if I can see it. I now just try to yoga-breathe through the traffic and red lights. Also a bit funny…

One day I was not rushing home AFTER yoga and a guy hurrying through the already red light from a different direction hit me. My bumper and front wheel well were ripped off but I was fine. If I had been rushing I would have been T-boned because I would have been further into the intersection. Here I was putting through the green light, feeling calm and regulated and though it was inconvenient, I and everyone else walked away without a scratch. Our cars were fixed and life moved on…

I easily could have thought my way in many directions. I’m glad I didn’t.

If I could go back in time, besides buying some good stocks, I would advise my younger self to keep making new friends. keep nurturing relationships and make bigger efforts to stay connected. In other words, reach out more.

Friendship is important. It’s different for everyone, but whether its a few close friends or a ballroom or a stadium full, we all need some other people in our lives.

I know this, I get doses of lovely friend moments that truly warm my heart. Friends have made big, HUGE differences in my life, repeatedly. Still, I sometimes isolate. I become a loner easily. Art is a one person activity, I might be an introvert. I sometimes get self conscious or down and to interact seems too hard. I tend to not reach out. It’s a lot of things. Probably related to CPTSD…

I know I can do better. I love my friends. I always come home happy whenever I’ve spent time with them.

Social anxiety is a thing. Covid did not help with that. Not only did we emerge from the lock down with it, our pets did too.

I didn’t need a pandemic for a fear of interaction to develop, Is there a phobia of not being liked? From the earliest age, my whole being seemed to brace for rejection.

A real state of regulation feels like calm comfortable confidence. That was news to me. Social interaction, or anticipation of it, I learned, can feel dis regulating for me. This little nugget of information has made all the difference, because now I know to take steps to regulate.

One day I had two big social events back to back. They both felt scary and unnerving, plus I had to show up alone, no safety in numbers for me that day. What I did was give myself the luxury of time.

I decided to approach it as though I was a celebrity getting ready for a party or event. No one wants to see a celebrity rushed or disheveled or noticeably awkward in their clothes. So I spent time choosing an outfit that I felt completely comfortable in. I got a pedicure, watched a favorite show, took a long shower, spent time on my hair and make up. Meditated, drank ice water, listened to music, pampered myself.

Basically I didn’t let myself get dis regulated by worrying. Before I knew the term, I was learning and practicing regulation, I managed to get into and stay in a regulated state for the entire day.

I was able to fully enjoy seeing old friends. I felt relaxed and lucky to know each one of them. By taking some measures to enjoy getting ready, by not allowing myself to get stressed or feel rushed, by encouraging myself toward good feelings, I managed to have a better social experience than I unusually do. I set myself up for success. I set up my day so that I felt good, so when I showed up I felt good, so while I was there and when I left, I felt calm and completely confident.

That one little experiment helped me realize how much I contribute to my own experience. Knowing how to infuse some positive vibes into any situation is like a super power I didn’t know I had. I still get a little jolt of anxiety when a social event comes up, but I know what I can do to help myself feel more excited than fearful. Hello Marvel, what’s my super hero name now?!

There’s a story about Abraham Lincolns first and second wives. His first wife lived in their house with a dirt floor. She was promised a real floor, but lived for years until she died, on dirt. His second wife took one look at the dirt floor and refused to move in until a real floor was built. Which it quickly was.

How often have I shown up as the long suffering first wife? Ugh! I’ve gotten better! It took me a few years to know what I wanted. There’s a line in a Tom Petty song that says “we didn’t know what we were looking for” I sure didn’t.

If I see myself lumping it, Im getting better at catching myself. But then I have to speak up, take action, do something different. Essentially be uncomfortable. I don’t know why I’ll sometimes take long term discomfort over making some waves. This is something I need to ponder.

Confrontation. Stepping away. Not budging. Hmmm

I moved into a place without a hooked up stove and an oddly placed refrigerator, but was promised the kitchen would be built. It was in progress. It looked and sounded like it would be easy and quick. During our four years, we helped remodel other people’s whole kitchens. Yet the tiny one in our rental, moved at glacial speed. I can’t say why every part was a struggle. We pushed for somethings, but there was always a reason for stalling. The stove sat for all of the four years just taking up space. We acquired a hot plate, a butane camping stove and a nice convection toaster oven. We managed. Then our rent was raised and raised again (nearly doubled). It’s so interesting how I found myself being the first wife.

If I’m going to curate the life I want, and in many areas I had, why did I settle on something as important as my surroundings?

Our land lord is nice! I don’t think she didn’t like us, She was struggling with finances and health issues. The thing I realize now is that I needed to handle things differently. I aim to be the person who is responsible for me which includes being GOOD to me. The time I spent discouraged, frustrated, feeling powerless and like the lowest of priorities did not feel good. At all. It was demoralizing. How did I do that every day for most of four years?

Looking back while going forward, I see a lesson coming into focus. We didn’t want to or know how to move, but life finally moved us. Again I see how I need to get better at paying attention. I need stand-up-for-myself practice.

I did a painting years ago of an abstract woman bent backwards over a house of cards, broom in hand, abstract man contributing to her backwards posture. I named the painting ‘Stand Up’.

Much pondering and some practice needed for sure, but is this all about staying aware? Do I need to focus and pay better attention to myself!? Always a work in progress, I’m hopefully moving faster then that kitchen…

I know this at the very least, I won’t move in again anywhere, unless there is a working oven.

Something I decided to practice is regularly listing things I’m grateful for. I do it before I open my eyes every morning then before I fall asleep every night. It doesn’t take any time and I don’t have to search for a pen and paper. To keep it simple, I just think of as many things as I can. It’s a mental exercise.

What I’ve found is that this helps me start my day in a better mindset. Not that things don’t happen throughput the day or that I remain grateful no matter what. I still become dis regulated at times, but now, I don’t go into my day or to bed in an exaggerated dis regulated state. Thankfulness makes the hard things smaller and the good things bigger. Believe it or not this makes a big difference in the overall quality of my life.

It’s easy to forget or take for granted the good things in life, especially when problems are big or many, or I get busy and caught up, or upset.

I’m not trying to be Polly Anna, or maybe I am. She had some tough circumstances and chose quite deliberately to find things to be glad about anyway.

Gratitude is many things. One important thing for me is that it’s regulating. Also, if I’m having trouble finding anything to be thankful for, it’s a sure sign that I’m in a dis regulated state. Sometimes I’m so dis regulated, I can’t tell. I try to slow down and pay attention. I’ve been working on this for years, thanks to yoga. I hope I’m getting better at it, but life still gets me wound up.

I’ve also been a student of gratitude since I first read the above quote. I know it can be helpful in a very powerful way when I use it.

One more tool in my toolkit. Habits take time and focus. Good habits have worked to my advantage, especially long term. Good habits like regular gratitude, have put me on the right track for a more regulated life. Since I’m not searching for constant happiness, I’m super grateful for more and more regulated calm confidence and peace. More content happiness is a welcome by product (which I’m thankful for).

Life is made of ups and downs as well as some straight sections, none of which last. I’m coming to the end of a five year down, with many fluctuating ups and downs in the middle. I can tell you it hasn’t been easy. Most of what made up this time could be best described as struggle.

After a stretch of optimism, starting a company, writing a book, painting some nice series’s, buying a home, renting a live/work space, showing my work in Manhattan, Living on both coasts, traveling to Europe and Africa, grand babies being born, life was not perfect, but it was a daring fun adventure. When it all came crashing down, followed closely by a worldwide pandemic and almost 2 year lock down which dramatically affected my household. My husband and I work in peoples homes. We design and remodel and help people decorate both homes and office space . I also stage homes for sale. We couldn’t work from home, we mostly couldn’t work at all. Even 2 years afterward we haven’t caught up and now prices are soaring, our rent, raised twice, is nearly double. We work seven days a week and never even go out to eat anymore.

I tell about these two different life experiences because they are what I’m talking about. Nothing lasts forever. Life is constantly changing. This is one thing we can count on.

Some of life feels like we are on top of the world. Other times feel like we are on the bottom. Even in a day or week we can rise and fall with whatever is happening in and outside of our homes. In some places they will say if you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and it will change. If you can train yourself to wait, life is like the weather, always changing. Even in Southern California, where seasons aren’t a thing, we still have rainy years and dry years. Cloudy marine layer and sunshine. Hot dry Santa Anna’s and sticky wet humidity. Change happens. If we are ready to take it on, we are happier than if we fear it.

A regulated person is able to take ups and downs more smoothly. A person who knows and accepts the nature of change has confidence that they will be alright. They know they can regulate their state when necessary. Ride the highs and lows of life better because they are not at the mercy of feeling bad, they know they can change their state, even be content while still engaged in struggle.

I did this. I had many happy regulated times while struggling through Covid, rising costs and even losing my business. I have improved my ability to move out of dis regulation faster and that has given me confidence and a measure of peace.

I’m just pointing out the obvious. Life takes many turns. You may not know what is up ahead, but you do know yourself, if you know what gets you regulated, you know you can take steps toward regulation at any point. You have that power to use any time you want.

Another good reason to practice soothing regulating tactics when low times come along.

When I first wrote my book ‘Peaceful Hearts’, I titled it ‘Wild Hearts’.

It came from the idea that wild hearts can’t be broken, even if they feel that way. Someone later looked at my book and was very adamant that hearts can’t be broken. I’m pretty sure she was too young to have been in love, or to be a heart surgeon or a trauma councilor.

Is it possible that our hearts are broken over and over and then mended again and again? Maybe this is the uniquely human experience. Like the Japanese broken pottery Kintsugi tradition, put back together with gold. Not only is the vessel stronger, but it becomes more beautiful with every golden seam.

Could our broken hearted moments be opportunities for metaphorical golden repair? Our opportunity for light and strength to fuse us back together?

To be able to celebrate the repairs, we need to practice the repair process. As we do so, we can only get better at it. Regulating ourselves back to a peaceful state is a skill we can be constantly honing.

I used to spend more time and energy on my disregulation. I’d think more dis regulating thoughts, worry, blame, concentrate on what was wrong, why it was wrong, the unfairness, the woe. I had long explanations, and if I didn’t, I would spend days wondering where I went wrong and generally get myself to feel worse and worse. I thought this would help me to feel better, I also had the notion that if I figured it out, I would never feel depressed again. I truly believed that there was a fix and I had to find it. I could then stop making giant life errors and be in a constant state of peace and happiness. I read a lot of self help books that promised exactly that.

I wrote Peaceful Hearts because I lived with toddlers. They tend to run through all their emotions over and over all day long. Some amount of time would be spent helping them regulate. I saw my daughter-in-law, a yoga teacher, remind her little ones to breathe when they were upset. This helped us all. Everyone in the room would start paying attention to our own inhales and exhales.

I wished I knew about breathing when I was younger. I learned the power of breath in my yoga classes, and had the ideal to spread this magical breathing tool to everyone, yogi or not, by creating a simple bedtime story.

It’s interesting how it’s expected that babies and young children melt down, then as we get older, emotion is something we expect should only be positive. It is a sign of maturity to control our behaviors, I support that, but I think it’s less helpful to expect older children and adults to never have negative emotions. We all do. Is it helpful to pretend we don’t or shouldn’t?

My new thinking is that getting knocked out of balance by emotion is normal and will keep happening for as long as we are alive. People, situations, weather, traffic, every day there are potential triggers. Every moment we meet the world in a different mood.

Better to accept dis-regulation and then start moving toward a more comfortable state as soon as possible. This makes way more sense to me now. Peaceful Hearts is a book about regulating the self through less positive emotional states by breathing consciously. It was meant to be read over and over. I didn’t know the terms regulate and dis regulate when I wrote it, but it works. Its what I wrote it for. Same with my new book Beatrix Butterfly. Butterfly-breathing is another breathing technique for regulation.