I personally am constantly asking why. It’s probably my most asked question, followed by how. I was born curious. Answering that question and explaining myself is something else entirely. I suppose I might as well turn my curiosity on myself for a change.

I started blogging for one reason, but keep doing it for another.

I do these art projects. I love a good project. They get me up in the morning, give me purpose and help direct me. When I’m engaged in a creative endeavor, I seem to navigate life better. I can overlook or sidestep less appealing aspects and concentrate on something bigger than my day to day life.

Blogging was suggested to me as part of launching my latest project. Ten blog posts. A website. An online presence. These steps seemed and still seem pretty daunting compared to writing and illustrating, but I was up for the challenge.

Thirty blog posts and one scrambled, yet existing, website later, I’m definitely challenged, but it is helping me define why I wrote both my books. Also why I’m still engaged. With art shows, I create a bunch of paintings around a theme, have a fun opening night, hopefully sell some and that’s it. Or I spend a few months working on a commission then deliver it. Or I complete the mural, class, kitchen remodel, home stage etc and it’s over. Creating a book is different.

Books seem to be their own slow moving evolution. From idea to rough draft through editing. Its a process. Illustrations are another undertaking, separate, messy, also time consuming. Uploading it all, formatting and more editing. It’s a lot of steps already, but then I need to find a way to send it out into the world. There is a reason and a purpose for doing so and I need to keep getting clearer and clearer about it. Why is it important for me to share with a wide audience? What prompted me to write in the first place? Who are my books for?

This is the second part of why I’m blogging. I am fine tuning these answers as I write. Im talking to myself. I’m remembering. I’m revisiting old art, recalling memories. mining my childhood for understanding.

The CPTSD is something I’m just becoming educated about. Trauma is a topic everyone seems to be learning about lately. Becoming trauma informed can be added to counselors and therapist’s titles after a certified training.

My personal experience with trauma comes from personal experiences. I didn’t know as much as I do now, when I wrote ‘Peaceful Hearts’ but it’s origin came out of a school shooting I was in. It wasn’t well known that a new trauma can bring up an old one, but I felt something was off with the intensity and length of my reaction.

What helped me was what my book suggests. Let feelings come up, and breathe slowly through them Long, deep breaths do in fact calm our physiology , and consequently our brains. It’s a proven fact. It worked for me. Years later after Sandy Hook, I was resigned. The book was getting completed no matter what. I wanted to alleviate suffering. That was my first and biggest motivation. Can it be done through the circulation of one short picture book?

I don’t know. I thought if any or all kids could learn this early on, it would be helpful. I know it would have helped me. It does now. I have some good stories of moms who did read my book every night and kids who started without prompting to use slow conscience breathing. I taught art to kids for years. I know they are smarter than some people realize. I know a three and five year old who would sit down together and breathe when they started to fight with each other.

Now that I’m familiar with the term dis- regulated, I see how disregulation affects anyone, old or young. After the lock down I witnessed a lot of attempts at regulation by many different people. Even dogs struggled. I came up with the idea of butterfly-breathing in response to all of us emerging from our own ‘cocoons’ after social distancing. I saw kindergartners the first day their masks came off. Sweet and heartbreaking, they faired better than the teens I knew, at least they regulated faster.

I see how important being regulated is in my own life. I want everyone to have access to a simple self regulation tool. A calm confident state makes everything better.

That’s why I’m blogging.

I thought there was a movie about a butterfly beating it’s wings on one side of the world causing a tidal wave some place else. I thought it starred Jodie Foster. All I found was an Ashton Kutcher movie about going back in time. Didn’t we already learn that going back in time and changing things would have consequences? Marty McFly went Back to the Future and messed things up for the better. I guess that worked out for him, but not so much for Ashton.

The reason I was looking was because I like the idea that if one person influences the world for good, that it has the power to change things across the whole planet. One person following their dream, using their gifts to help others can have a butterfly affect, in a good way. I believe everyone has gifts to share. I believe in the positive effect that one person can have. One kind word or action and how that spirals out and touches many…

When I had the idea for my butterfly breathing book, I thought about how teaching kids how to butterfly-breath could help teachers and kiddos everywhere to have many more positive experiences in the classroom. Also parents and children might have more calm confident moments at home.. I love all the butterfly metaphors.

I wish I could find the movie I’m thinking of. I’d like to learn more about the science behind the butterfly effect.

It seems from what I found on google, that the butterfly effect is used to show what can go wrong if one seemingly small change is made in nature. It can go both ways, though. Remember when they reintroduced wolves to Yellowstone Park? Many species came back and thrived.

I wrote these two little books about breathing and being okay with our emotions and life stages. My hope is to see them to go out and have their own butterfly effect and have a positive affect in homes and classrooms all across the world. I’ve seen the effects of breath to movement. I know how powerfully it can change a mind in a moment. I know how it can impact life over time.

I believe that small, even tiny changes, can have big impacts. I love that. I love it as a possibility.