Like closing my heart

As in: no, I refuse to let this interfere with my life.

That’s the main goal really, being authentically, unapologetically, calmly, confidently aligned with a better me.

No I will not let the energy of discontent rule my day or ruin it.

Inwardly, I am saying no very often because by saying no to closing my heart, I am saying yes to openness, compassion and love. Enthusiasm. Fun. Ideas. I’m saying yes to how I want to feel, how I’ve chosen that I want feel. I choose every morning that I want to feel open, and stay open even if something or someone pushes my buttons. Especially when.

Sure things come up. Complications arise. Problems need to be solved. I guess I decided that I want to move through life’s glitches with love. Fear has not been completely helpful, anger isn’t always a good option. so I decided on this new approach.

Yesterday I got a text that I was scheduled to go into a third grade classroom to begin a collaborated art project. I’d had a couple of meetings, but they were general, I was still trying to comprehend what my client was hoping for. The project is intended to be auctioned at a fundraising event. It’s high end, there are many variables, many unknowns, I still have several questions. As unprepared as I was, I was going in…

I got the text Monday night that Tuesday at 10:20 was best time for the teacher. It was late.

This is reminiscent of my son waking me up one morning needing a costume right now. For history day. For school. Oh and can I bring snacks and attend a performance at ten o’clock. Today. Costume before 7:45, snacks made and me dressed to meet up with teachers and other parents by 10. Three other kids to get to two other schools. Yes that did happen, (I’m sure I’m not the only one)

So Monday night, I set the phone down and came up with a project.

Tuesday morning at 4am I was figuring out how best to involve twenty-three nine year olds. At 5:30 over coffee, I was mixing paint…

By 8:15 I had already met up with my kids whose kids attend the school, walked with them to drop off where I connected with the school liaison and was assured there were paint brushes.

By 8:45 I was on my way home from Home Depot with supplies., (no time to wait for Michael’s to open).

By 10:05 I was at the school, signed in with my volunteer badge searching for the paint brushes.

Two hours passed in a messy blur. Afterwards, I wiped down the tables and cleaned the brushes. I still had a whole day’s work to navigate. I wasn’t sure if the wet paintings were going to work themselves into something that my client would approve of. I was covered in paint and sort of exhausted.

Today, after washing my hands about a million times and showering, paint is still stuck to my fingernails. I am scheduled to help with another project at another school.

I have at least eight other pressing things to take care of today, but wow, did I just navigate the impossible yesterday!?

Can I tell you?

It fell together perfectly, seamlessly, and turned out to be pretty fun. (I was about to feel the tiniest bit guilty about how fun this crazy art life that Im living is, but stopped and relaxed my shoulders, took some long deep breaths, and let the utter gratitude for all of it wash over me

All because I’m saying no.

And yes

Do I have any?

Am I hiding some secret skills, you might be interested in?

I love this prompt question.

Because

Oh, I DO.

I am learning to conjure them when I want because like most super powers, they are all over the place, showing up, not showing up, causing concern, little measures of embarrassment, you know how it goes.

First I had to be surprised, then accepting, and now I’m dedicated to practice.

As I practice, I learn. And wonder, how will I use my power for good? You know, for all the world? Humanity, peace, love. What about saving lives?

For now I can barely use it for my own good, but I’m getting better. Stay tuned because I’m pretty sure I’m figuring it out.

Future blog post about secret abilities coming soon…

I went to Kenya on a whim. An opportunity presented itself, and I uncharacteristically said yes, when my new friend Jen asked, my answer was yes, I would like to go to Africa and paint a mural.

I surprised myself, and everyone close to me. Vaccinations, malaria pills, visas and plane tickets, I navigated all of it by myself on the East coast, without a car, while my fellow travelers got ready in CA. I rejoined the group eventually, and we all flew out of LA

Some choices change you. I didn’t go with that in mind. I went for reasons I am still not clear about. I went with an organization called Kids for Peace to help finish a school they had helped school children raise money for and then had built in a tiny remote town in Kenya.

I designed and painted a giant mural in five days for the multipurpose room. The entire village hung out in the one room while we worked. There was so much love, so much awe, so much going on, I still don’t have words to express the beauty of the experience. We then were taken to a locally run massi safari camp. From there I caught a small plane on a tiny airstrip in the middle of wilderbeast migration back to Nairobi. Stayed in a luxury hotel, kissed a giraffe, and flew back to Boston.

This was the beginning of my association with Jill and her non-profit, Kids for Peace. I delivered on deadline. I had a band of Kenyan kids helping me, hanging out for hours. I was a teacher back in CA, so art and kids were something I was comfortable with. Everything else was a crazy out of my comfort zone experience. I have stories!

All of these years later I still can’t believe I did that. G who at the time was furious with me, loves that I went, and then went a second time.

Jill is a maverick. She makes big things happen in the world. Being a part of anything Jill is doing is the biggest and best adventure anyone could ask for.

That’s how it started. Jill and I have since shared many fun experiences, who knew art would make me so adventurous!

In good ratio.

My greatest teacher all along turned out to be my life. It’s not the answer this prompt question might be looking for. Truly, I have had some great teachers who really impacted my scholastic self concept at key moments over the years.

But looking back over a full and busy life, it is experience that I’ve learned the most from.

Sorry to bore with all this artist talk.

Being an artist in this century is a constantly changing steep learning curve. Seeking a fulfilling beautiful life along side, provides continuous opportunities to learn. There are no clear rules. My friend once said “It’s like the Wild West out there! You just kind of make it up as you go along.”

Isn’t this true of life in general for some people? Art or no art, I think that I would always be outside the box, making it all up.

Life has taught me to be okay with this. I spent most of my younger days trying to be in a box, THE box, the one everyone seemed to want me in. I was often upset when it proved to be too hard. Life showed me gradually over time, that it was perfectly fine to be a person such as myself, even if it made others worry or uncomfortable.

My way, my approach, might seem strange, (hence all the well meaning advice) but life showed me that it’s really perfect for me to live intuitively. A younger me thought I had to change at a basic level, an experienced me understands that its so much easier to work with myself. To be on my own side.

When I finally accepted that I was an artist, like it or not, it wasn’t like everything fell seamlessly into place. Life didn’t play out that way. At some point I also had to also learn that I wasn’t a victim of any of it.

I learned this one lesson over and over and am still learning, I am not, and never have been a victim of my circumstances, of life. Life is a patient teacher, even though it marches on, hardly waiting for me to catch up. Life won’t give me lemonade. Lemons yes, but it’s true, what they say about what I make of it, another important lesson. (Knowing me, I want lemon squares instead, anyway).

Today I am surrounded by sold and favorite paintings of mine. A fleeting moment for me to take in.

Life is teaching me something about this part as well.

I wonder how this is going to work out (in my favor)?

Hmmm…I wonder… has become my latest response.

How will this new issue play out?

Because life hasn’t stopped tossing me challlenges. The other night, I had five separate concerns weighing heavily on my mind, making it of course impossible to sleep. My brain jumped around for hours as I tried to breathe and relax. I KNOW it doesn’t help me to ruminate. I KNOW to direct my thinking, I even know HOW to, but life man, it’s tricky.

I ended up watching comedy bits on my phone at 3am because that was the only way to distract myself and lighten my mood.

The next morning nothing had changed. I had those same complications and a full day. I did not feel like getting up. I managed to bribe myself out of bed with breakfast (which I rarely eat).

My thirty minute meditation yielded maybe two minutes of calm. Maybe.

In my hurry to my first appointment, I had somehow forgotten about the giant painting still not fitting in the back of the truck. Too big, heavy and awkward, I couldn’t remove it by myself, so there it still was, accompanying me on a slow journey across town. (no freeway today)

I probably forgot about the painting because of the first miracle. Which was tiny, but unexpected. The pending resolution of one of the five, the second biggest issue.

The next miracle had nothing to do with anything. Neither did the third.

Then, this unexpected thing happened.

I SOLD THE PAINTING!!

I was late for my lunch event, because of the painting and parking. I wasn’t hungry at all, thanks to breakfast, plus I’m pretty sure I arrived disheveled, my makeup a little cried off, (thank you, miracle number two), not to mention, no sleep.

Of course I was in an amazing frame of mind. I’d witnessed four miracles and it was barely noon.

I’m now wondering how it all happened. I was there, but I couldn’t tell you…

I was at a prestigious art gallery opening the other day and got the opportunity to chat with the artist. The show spanned years and obvious periods for this artist, probably twenty to thirty paintings altogether.

I asked him a handful of questions, but the one that I remember was:

How did he get all his paintings from Los Angeles to San Diego? His answer: he drove them himself, in his van.

He was an older artistic guy, not a mover. It’s not glamorous, but moving around art is part of it. I’m actually really enjoying having a little truck. It’s been very handy.

This giant painting however, does not fit! It’s a bit of a bummer. It doesn’t fit the house it was intended for, it’s too big for me to move by myself. It’s too big to drive across the country to my daughters (who would gladly take it). Its even too big for the gallery.

It’s actually one of my favorite paintings. One that I didn’t set out to paint, but seemed to announce itself. A swan. Such a perfect symbol.

So size.

That’s what’s wrong. I really feel this painting has a home somewhere, but where?!

I’m reluctant to put it back in storage, though I have to.

The less practical side of creating art feels like it’s breathing down my neck today. No one understands why I made such a large painting. I don’t. It just sort of happened. It’s done now, too late for the regret I’m feeling…

Again I get to practice keeping my heart open. (because a giant painting that doesn’t fit, is not worth closing over).

SO

Lots of deep breathing. And a tiny measure of wonder, as in, I wonder how this giant problem will play out…

L U C K Y

Lately, things seem to be working out pretty much in my favor.

It’s been such a funny constant that even when things look problematic, I think to myself, well, however this rolls out, it’ll come out good for me. Weirdly, it has played out like this several times.

What if this is my new normal?

We landed back in CA, love our home here, love our busyness, love that so many fun opportunities keep presenting themselves, our departure keeps getting delayed…

What is happening?

I did decide back in December to change my mind about some things. Somehow the concept that I am not at the mercy of outside circumstances, that instead, I can decide to influence my own mood, sunk in. I realized, like I read in The Untethered Soul, nothing is worth closing my heart over.

I wonder if that made this difference? I’m not saying it’s all easy, it’s not always roses. I’ve had plenty of chances to practice, but I will say that I’m improving.

Apparent improvement feels lucky to me

There was this book that I read.

It made a convincing argument that if you wanted to be an artist, you had to be a confident person.

I was young.

I wanted to be cool, and confident, and an artist…at least I thought I did. I mean who didn’t?

All I knew for sure was that I was ‘good’ at art. It felt like an impossible distance from my assessment of myself to what the book seemed to be suggesting, though.

I guess that’s how it became my impossible quest. I NEEDED to be confident. I wanted to be. According to the book, it was necessary.

Art in college was competitive. The instructors pulled no punches. Even if I could keep up with raw lucky talent, we all were encouraged to compare ourself, our work, while being pushed to do new, never done before assignments and then criticed. My own small measure of confidence was chipped away at. I emerged feeling like less of a potential artist than I did going in. Definitely less confident.

Finally, after years of living with this stumbling block, someone suggested to me that confidence is a state, not a personality trait (as I had always thought). Everyone has confident moments doing things they’ve done a million times. We all get better at certain things and become confident while doing them.

Some people seem to have a natural tendency towards bravado. They give off confident vibes. (many teenagers master this). They seem to know before they actually do. This fake it ‘til you make it persona used to fool me all of the time. I believed for a good stretch of my life that most everyone was better than me at most everything, and if they weren’t, they believed they were so strongly that it didn’t matter. My skill or knowledge was easily trumped by another’s bravado.

When I finally understood the state of confidence, I had had enough experience to step back and really see this. Bravado or confidence could be conjured. I too could create this state of mind anytime, anywhere. In fact, I already had.

Lots of times. Without realizing it.

This shift in perspective changed everything. Where I once believed that I could never BE an artist, sure I could do art, but not as an artist, I finally saw that I actually was one all along.

It seems pretty silly now, this little distinction, but it is interesting how self assessment can play a powerful role in how one approaches the doing of things.

What activities do I lose myself in? Easy question. Anything creative, art related. Research. Staging. Hours fly by in minutes. Is that losing myself? Or finding?

I like this question because it hints at the idea of flow state. The falling out of time state. What happens when we lose awareness of our physical bodies, or things around us and we collapse fully into whatever we are focused on.

When I was first ‘diagnosed’ with ADHD I read a lot about the condition. One of the things that stuck out was the constant mention of what was referred to “hyper focus” Ironically, people with ADHD have two tendencies. One is to jump from thing to thing (multitasking is born of this). The other is to over focus on one thing. I felt like they were onto me, and yes, those are my super powers.

Things weren’t moving fast enough for anyone to see these traits as good back then, but luckily the pace has picked up and I don’t even think about ADHD as anything more than a possible like minded community.

It’s not an affliction for me because, I accept it’s down sides and have learned to play to its strengths.

Sure I rarely sit still, my attention span is what it is. If I’m bored, l start thinking about something else unrelated or jump ahead in a conversation. I geek out on random subjects and can’t stop my intense curiosity. My brain is at times in overdrive.

But do I understand and fully embrace FLOW.

It’s how yoga became a thing for me. Yoga gets me into a flow state every time. I can arrive with a head full of racing thoughts and leave one hour later detached and calm.

Doing art was how I used to achieve this mind space, but it didn’t always deliver. Art can be stressful at times. It has its sticky not very zen moments. Bringing something new into the world is labor. Yoga gave me practice and consistency. I got better at dropping in. This has helped me so much with doing art as well.

I know with certainty that I can close out the world and get an art project started or finished. I have my own little hacks. I have control now over this flowing. It used to show up by accident, (so it seemed). Conditions had to be right etc. Now I create the conditions. You might have guessed that slow breathing is how it starts, getting my parasympathetic nervous system onboard.

The middle of a project has many variables, decisions, and moments of uncertainty. It’s a whole thing. I have learned to relax, walk away, take breaks, sleep on it, basically try different things when I’m feeling off.

So yeah. Most of the time I lose myself doing things I’m captivated by. Art etc. I love when I lose track of myself and time.