We made a quick decision to move to Connecticut to help G’s aging parents. In the wake of the his brother’s passing and then aunt, his stepfather’s worsening emphysema, G would say he didn’t have a choice. He insisted that I did.

I decided to leave California and go with him. We are married so as much as he didn’t want to make me go, I felt it was important that we stick together.

Within a month, we had packed up and left our home of 25 years. Neither of us knew what to expect.

Some not so fun times followed.

There were months of less than comfortable circumstances. We spent long days at multiple hospitals. There were so many clashes, plus months of unusually cold rainy weather. (which for the NE, is saying something)

It was tough in so many directions and didn’t let up. Just a long stretch of hard.

Here’s the silver lining

I learned some important lessons. I learned that I didn’t have to understand anyone or anything or even have anything go my way in order for me to keep my heart open. I learned how to control my own energy under some of the least favorable conditions. I learned to be quiet and let everyone and everything be. I learned how to find joy and stay positive no matter what any day brought (often quietly to myself). Some of my best moments were from the hardest days when I managed to keep my own spirit upbeat or rallied and came back from a downward spiral.

There was pending death, lengthy and mistake ridden emergency room visits, the oddest conflicts over so many surprising situations, then actual death. If it was something we couldn’t plan for, it happened. If it could be planned, it changed. Emotions ran high.

This time, as we journey back across the country after our lovely CA reprieve, there is a little more knowing of what to expect

This time, I understand that my mood is up to me. My energy is my own business (as is every one else’s, THIER business). I understand that I don’t have to wait for a good moment to feel good. I learned how not to be a victim of my circumstances.

These were big lessons.

I felt and saw the advantages of staying calm and letting things go.

I had ample opportunity to practice and as tough as it was, I’m truly grateful for the understanding that I gained.

Learning and practicing energetic awareness under those conditions was my boot camp. Learning to focus on and regulate my energy was an odd gift

In the past I mostly tried to hold on until things shifted and got better.

Living in perpetual negatively and daily stress felt like I had no options. News went on at six am. Problem after problem strung together into a constant loop of discontent. The days were just so long.

But I managed. I got better at catching myself earlier and earlier, I got better at getting back to fine. I even got to feeling better than fine. By the time we left, I felt like I had cracked the code.

Thoughts of returning are all over the place.

Still, as we journey back across the county, I’m feeling less confident. I’m out of practice and slipping back to worry filled sleeplessness.

I find myself falling into dread over going back. Big waves of dread and fear.

Hmmm

I guess,

I wonder how this is going to work out really well for me.

One thing I loved was that when I hung out with Rose the other day, it was for as long of a time as possible. We all left it up to Rose (or bedtime).

She texted in the morning, she was dressed and waiting at 7am! Nice to be five minutes away.

I picked her up, right away she chose what we would have for supper. The whole day fell together bit by bit. We had breakfast, we shopped. We painted, we watched a show, we played cards, we did a craft that we saw on Pinterest, we made cucumber sandwiches and tea for lunch. She wrote a whole story about the giant swan painting that was at the moment overpowering my living room. She decided we needed to make an activity basket.

We met Grandpa G at storage. Rose picked out a few things and wanted to see the outfit I wore as a baby. In the box, we also found a necklace I wore at her age, I found a necklace that was given to me when I was four. We wore our new (old) necklaces home.

After our BLTs, G insisted on gelato. We luckily returned her home in plenty of time.

When the kids were little I would happily babysit for hours, we kept so busy, the time always flew by.

Oh the open ended time to hang out with my favorite people. It’s the same with my daughter’s kids and my other son’s three year old. When I’m there, rules and lunch hours are flexible. Grown ups get time to get some things done, kids and I get to have fun. It’s a positive gift to get this open ended time with these guys.

Time is short. You blink and they grow up. I’m utterly thankful for every moment I get to spend with my grands!

California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas and Oklahoma

Today Kansas.

Getting a late start this morning, but slowing down feels good. This little town of Boise, Oklahoma has had some good surprises.

Amazing Tacos at a family run restaurant, Awesome dinner! Oh my!

Does Triple D know about this place? Very authentic, very generous portions, AND then

a comfortable recently upgraded hotel. Ahhh

A good nights sleep! A leisurely morning. The best

This is a good question for today.

It’s a perfect question for an ironically perfectly sad day.

Sad because we’ve had such a wonderful time here and now it’s time to go.

Sad because my kids are in the middle of tough things. A breakup for one…yeah, hard things.

Sad because even if I stayed, I couldn’t fix any of what they are going through.

Here I am weirdly thinking of happiness while I’m sad.

Five things in no order

Number one is an every day thing that I wish I did more often

A pedicure. A badly needed moment of self care, (I count driving myself ) Pure bliss. Foot massage, leg massage, pretty color

Number two is listening to my favorite music. Loud. In the car.

Three is a walk on the beach

Four: spending time with the people I love

Five might be a good meal

I have several other things, but these came to mind first.

This painting came to me as I was reflecting on the folktale called ‘The Raven who stole the Light’.

It’s a pretty simple story, one that survived generations of retelling, but is packed with metaphors for everyone and anyone in all different stages and ages of life.

An old man has hidden the light causing all to live in constant darkness.

He hid it in boxes, one inside another like Russian stacking dolls. He hid it because he was afraid. He was afraid to see. He was afraid to know whether his daughter was beautiful or not. He was afraid of what either might mean. So he banished light for himself and everyone and everything in the world.

A long convoluted plan was carried out to trick the man and his heart into allowing each box to be opened, until light was returned to the world.

One day a clever Raven decided to steal the light from the man.

I decided to devote a chunk of time every morning to set up my mind (and heart) for a good day.

I’m working on setting up a routine of meditation and intention so I can get out ahead of myself. I change it up every few days, but I’m experimenting with my own energy, basically so I will keep my cool no matter what happens.

Im finding that if I do, I am more present, more intuitive, and can see things from different perspectives.

I have been able to keep my heart open, or quickly stop it from closing (because as I learned, nothing is worth closing my heart over) under some challenging conditions.

Oh the sagas of grown kids.

We are leaving California this week for Connecticut. It’s been a wild ride and I will miss everyone and all of it so much.

I want to continue my quest for calm confidence. For keeping my own peace, for feeling my own luckiness and love in the world.

So I decided to make a positive-seeking morning routine for myself.

I had the privilege of working alongside kids for this collaboration. After I explained the project and what it was going to be for, (Kids for Peace), each picked up a paintbrush and methodically followed directions to the T. Each gave a little pause and sent their peaceful intentions into their carefully created painting. Love infused art by children. Great kids, great project.

This past few weeks I’ve had the privilege of working with kids at a few elementary schools. The kids very dutifully put their hearts and souls into their work. I loved how these children instinctively brought the right amount of light and seriousness to our project. These hearts were created from their hearts with a big intention to send love out into the world.

Many thanks to Jefferson Elementary, especially Mrs. Dunbar and Mrs third and fifth grade classes.

What would I do for free? My friend put it this way. ‘In kind.‘

We have been working away at kid collaborations for weeks. They are for the Kids for Peace gala auction. I’ve already donated two paintings and sent over all the written information. It’s a tad more complicated with the gallery representation, but an honor to be featured.

I helped my friend at two other schools, on top of my two classroom visits. Now we have to put it all into projects. Literally hours of work. It was fun to have a friend to be exhausted and excited with. We have ideas.

Sometimes work I do for free is lovely and meaningful. Being with other high energy, good intentioned others, working towards a common good, is rewarding.

Kids for Peace was founded on ideas of children for how to make the world a better place. Cofounder Jill wanted to help children see how they can do real things to make the world better for others.

I’ll never forget the boy who raised $1000 for a rain catcher water tank for an African village in Kenya. He and his grandmother flew with the group to work on the school. He got to see for himself the people he was helping, in very real time. He said this to me on the bus one morning, “It was a lot of work!” He told me how he had to be at school early every day for months to collect and advertise for his cause. Seeing him standing in front of the giant water tank was one Kenyan experience I’ll never forget.

Cool to see so many people come together to help one boy see precisely how he made a difference. It’s one of the things I love most about Kids for Peace. Not to mention the families and children with the new school, or all the school children in chapters all around the world.

The other day I spent most of the day helping out with more gala related projects. Spending time with this focused, talented group was a pleasure. Truly, if you want to find quality people to hang out with, I recommend doing a little work for free for a cause or two that you believe in.

There is a book called “Your Brain on Art”. It explains how the brain works better when it gets to experience art. Lots of scientific findings showing how neural pathways are enhanced and healthier when art is introduced.

I’ve always suspected. When I taught I would often collaborate with the teachers so their lessons would have the impact of art. It would help kids remember. I saw so many kids who got into a lot trouble in class, settle right down and work on art. I saw how interested and intuitive kids were when discussing art history.

I’ve done many community art projects over the years in many different cities and counties. It’s always nice to see the fun and lightness of everyone participating.

How would I improve my community? I would bring more art opportunities for kids of all ages.