Happness is something I’m becoming a student of. My own happiness that is. I have learned a lot about the importance of knowing my own personal energy boosters.
It doesn’t take much. My morning coffee makes me very happy. Grandkids. Anything involving them, one FaceTime call… Friends. Yoga. Music. A good joke. One witty person. a smile, a kind word. Chocolate. A delicious meal. A good movie.
The little Niatic yoga studio. Every event there seems to leave me smiling. Last night they had a ceremonial cacao (chocolate) and Kerton solstice/holiday special. It was very well attended and very fun.
Work. I love the people I work with. I love being busy.
These are some of the things that make me the most happy.
The last fun thing I did was going to Chester for a birthday date.
I love this cool town. It’s all decked out for the holidays and looks completely Halmark movie magical. (they actually filmed one there). It’s the town that was bought up by an artist and restored, one building at a time.
We have been wanting to try out this one restaurant for awhile, but it’s small and very popular. Reservations are usually booked out, which is partly why we were still celebrating a week later. It was a beautiful evening and everything was amazing! The wait was very worth it. Lights aglow, cue a light snow, New England can be VERY charming…
I’m still trying to wrap my head around where I am.
But I wonder
Did I ever stop and try to picture my future life last year?
Because last year at this time we were driving back and forth to two different hospitals. Our eighty seven year old patient was facing surgery or death. (both really). The weather was miserable. We limped through the holidays with little to no festivities, or warmth, or light. It was a heavy time. If I recall, we were still trying to figure out how to get along. Television blasted at all hours, nothing made sense, sadness prevailed. I missed my kids, my friends, my life…
This year, is different.
Well
I mean, some things are.
We still don’t know what our ultimate plan is. We are leaving for California soon.
In some ways, I have figured out how to exist here, dare I suggest even thrive? I’m actually going to miss things in this life.
Speaking of picturing my life, I think I’ll devote a little time to picturing next year.
One thing we will have is our own space. This odd transition time will open up. Grandkids can visit. Next year we will have more choices.
The other day, I made a weird decision to do a little baking. In so many ways it was a debacle, reminding me once more, that things are still far from ideal. 
I’m glad though. I needed a pause. I probably needed to remember that I’m still straddling, I’m still taking each day as if it was an ocean wave. I have a little more idea of what to expect, but not entirely.
Next year, I picture way more fun. Way more beauty. Way more flow and ease. Way more me and way more of my own choices reflecting light and joy outward and bouncing back into my home, my life, my relationships.
I am putting those little candles in every window. ( it’s a New England thing). Putting up outdoor lights, baking for the neighbors while listening to music (not heated discussions about the last piece of confusing mail). G says we will put lights on our dock. We will make everything festive and lovely and we will definitely pack more fun, more joy and way more cozy contentment into to our life.
I will travel back to California for a lot of December. Kansas too. I will love the season. I will love many more things about my life, because
My favorite little town has a Holiday parade every year. It’s my own real life version of Stars Hollow (from the Gilmore Girls which if you’ve never heard of it, is a show that was inspired by it’s creator’s trip to CT. It seems to be trending all these years later, as are Harlmark movies. At least that’s what I’m seeing fun being poked at lately)
Turns out, I’m in one.
Last night I parked and met a friend and we walked to the yoga studio”s potluck on the parade route. We checked out a nearby ‘salt cave’ business before hanging out at the studio. After it was dark and the parade was under way I got a text that G and his mom were at the ice cream shop. Yes, it was 28 degrees. I meandered through the crowds and met them, then we all walked back to the cozy yoga studio for the rest of the parade. Yoga friends and their families mingled inside and out.
Fun that I’ve gotten to know this place and the community a little.
Fun that there was a bonanza of Christmas cheer and festivities in my favorite New England beach town.
I’ve stretched and shrunk and spent chunks of time in less than ideal conditions. It’s been more fish-out-of- water time for me than time spent fitting in.
I’ve also had some really surprisingly wonderful experiences along the way.
I’m learning how to squeeze the most joy or fun or enjoyment out of every moment when I can.
And to find or extend grace to everyone (myself included) and everything when I can’t.
Life is short. I try every day to fan my own flame of internal love and open heartedness. Some days it’s all I’ve got, but what Ive learned, is that it really is enough.
I learned that I CAN be happy. I don’t need to wait until every thing is good. On hard days I try to remember that they won’t last forever, that tomorrow is always one night away. And even if I can’t remember, a new day always does come along.
What I’ve learned, is that I can do this. Comfort loving me, can even thrive when I’m uncomfortable. What is surprising, is that I found friends and fun and meaning and inspiration and love and joy.
And light!
I’ve found these things for myself. I don’t need anyone to approve or agree or understand. I’ve actually learned how to not care what others might think or judge me for. THAT lesson alone, is huge.
In all my Alice in Wonderland stretching and shrinking, I have learned to BREATHE and relax my shoulders and heart. I have learned to surrender. I have learned to honor the part of life I’m in now. Like Rocky said in that last fight in the original movie, “It’s not so bad”
Tell us about your first day at something — school, work, as a parent, etc.
Heres one.
First day, first grade.
On my first day of first grade I fearlessly got out of the car and walked up to the doors alone. For whatever reason, I was arriving after the kids were already in classrooms and since my mother had been on the phone to this new school a number of times there was no reason to schelp my brother, herself and I all in.
I was quickly taken to my classroom. It was very different from my old one, which was at a very strict Catholic school run by very old nuns. My personality clashed there and after a full year of behavioral calls home, (this was kindergarten), my brother and I were going to try public school.
Kids were sitting on the floor when I arrived. Not in desks. Where were the rows of desks!? Well, there was one boy who seemed to be sitting in the biggest desk I’d ever seen. With bike wheels! His leg was in a giant white cast sticking straight out in front of him. I had never seen anything like this before. Plus there was that scary hospital smell that my brother came home with after his eye operations. We didn’t get pencils or paper. We just sat there on the ground looking up at everything. Which from my perspective made everything look huge and me feel very small.
I lasted a little while, but soon tears were running down my cheeks. I quickly completely melted down. We used this term with my first granddaughter. She became incredibly self aware at two and would announce that she was melting down only a few tears in. I, at four was light years away from this level of self awareness, and soon became inconsolable. They had to get another grownup to escort me to the office and then called my mom.
My mother, who was used to these school calls home, was angry. She’d hardly just dropped me off. What had I done already?!
They didn’t know.
After several questions, everyone concluded that I was freaked out over the kid in the cast and had to be switched into another classroom.
There, I got a desk in a row with a pencil and a paper and I happily made it through the rest of the day.
I wasn’t a kid who embraced newness. I was mostly freaked out by things not fitting what I had gotten used to. I spent all of kindergarten getting used to everything that made no sense to me at all. I thought school was a waste of my time. Not recess and lunch, or the occasional art project, but the sitting part. I got used to it, always made the most out of recess breaks, and walking home. I preferred the outdoors.
Inside had too many rules and way too much grown up energy.
Looking for solstice ideas on Pinterest, I came across this reference to a story about a raven who tricked a guy who was hiding all the light in the world. (I looked it up, it’s a native Canadian legend myth story).
According to the lore from north western indigenous people, the raven executed a complicated plan to capture the light that an old man had hidden away. The world was pitch dark up until this.
As we head for the longest night of the year, while I am still getting used to living in the NE, I am more aware than ever that it’s only 4pm and already getting dark. Add in the gray sky of rain or snow and its no wonder that stories about light and darkness are told.
Darkness affects so many things.
As does light.
Light can’t exist without dark, but at these times when the balance is tipping to darkness, one needs to hold onto the hope that it won’t always feel so extreme. The cold and dark won’t last forever. There are warming activities and ways to comfort ourselves.
Just like storms don’t rage forever, winter ends. Darkness is interrupted by dawn. This story was one of patience and endurance and magic. The guy who hid the light did so out of fear, which I thought was interesting. There was something he didn’t know and was afraid to find out. Raven played a long game. It took some clever ‘out of the box’ thinking to trick the old man to open a series of boxes. The box must be symbolic. I didn’t look it up yet.
I braved the rain and the wind and the dark and the possible wrath of not being home for dinner, to go to yoga at 5pm. (pitch black sky) I learned there that in the yoga tradition the opposite of fear is wisdom. We did some back hip stretches to release fear because sticky fear energy can settle in the hips.
I don’t know how true that is, but it was a lovely class with crystal bowls and metal ones placed on the body so our cells could absorb the vibrations. I filled my cup with ginger tea afterward and drove back through the dark and storm, feeling quite wonderful.
Some things we don’t know until we know. I’ve had many fearful worry filled life experiences over the years. Becoming wise to new information has given me courage at times to power through. It may have been just what I needed to chase away darkness and or fear. We sometimes say we’re in the dark about something, meaning we don’t know about it. Denial is another form of the fear of knowing something. I love this concept of light and wisdom being the opposite of darkness and fear.
Today was a tough one. I had had a lonnngggg lousy day. I was wanting to change my energy and raise my vibration a little. I’m glad now that I was feeling out of sorts enough to be motivated to go. If I was feeling fine, I would have stayed in. Weird how things work out.
The right amount of dark made me venture out to find a little light. Good to be tricked. I appreciated this clever twist.
If you didn’t need sleep, what would you do with all the extra time?
Wow.
None at all?
When I was young I could happily forgo sleep to do things I wanted to do. I chose other things regularly. Nocturnal art. Deadlines, quiet uninterrupted nights, how else was I going to get stuff done?
I remember when I was a fiber artist, I put a whole spinning wheel together with a sleeping baby on my lap long into the night. I then had to try it out at three am because when else did I have? My babies weren’t the best sleepers, there were constant chores and obligations, with four little kids I was mostly running around keeping them fed and safe and the house from being distroyed I do get the question because in those days sleep was in short supply and if I could have, I would have skipped even more of it.
It’s just that now I have more time and I dearly love to sleep. After years of not, I really don’t want to exchange my sleep for any other activities.
It’s been raining all day. It’s not quite freezing, but it feels like it.
It’s dark. I decided to make soup, which meant I had a handful of obstacles to overcome. Supper is at least an hour away, maybe two. I cut myself. We blew a fuse.
You can see where this could go.
But here’s what’s good.
My soup. It has carrots from my garden, mushrooms, squash (that was one of our Halloween decorations, not the regular orange type pumpkin). Something we got from a local farm.
We are going to make cookies tomorrow. G and I. I made a playlist of holiday songs by Ella Fitzgerald and Frank Sinatra, Some Bing Crosby, all old school.
Yoga has been fun. It was nice to see everyone after my trip. My birthday was nice.
I’m reading some good books. I’m staying mostly warm and dry. I think I’m better at being here than I was last year. I have fully made peace with not understanding or knowing things. If I forget, I try to remind myself that it’s not my circus. It’s okay. Some things really don’t make any sense and they don’t have to.
I’ve learned to breathe through any discomfort and to trust that it will be fine. Sometimes better than fine. We have warm soft bedding. The bathroom is painted and getting updated. I still love my little job.
Last night I got a text that yoga was cancelled for this morning.
It’s going to rain all day. There might be flooding and 65 mile an hour winds. Schools will be letting out early because of the storm.
I’m fully disappointed. No yoga, no walk.
This is how I know how much I love the physical activities I’ve chosen these days. I’m BUMMED!
Years ago, I went almost daily to a gym. I ran or jogged most days long or short distances. I thought I loved running.
I initially did it for my mental health, after getting a late (I was grown with four kids), diagnosis of ADD. I researched a little and opted not to take medication, but to exercise instead.
I was a weird choice. I get that, but it made sense to me at the time. I spent more than a decade making myself do a lot of repetitive exercise. It worked, or seemed to, on a day like today I would be heading out, alone, and returning soaking wet.
Instead, I’m genuinely bummed that I can’t go to yoga.
I guess the extent of my physical exercise today is running errands with G. Home Depot and Lowe’s are kind of big. I may get some steps, but no strengthening or balancing or real exercise, and it won’t be as much fun.
Yoga, fast walking. I look forward to these. My day always goes better afterward. I may brave the storm and do a quick walk, though being wet and cold isn’t enticing me…
I hope everyone has some form of movement that suits them.
Peace Kit 