Well. Hmm. I don’t try, I either do something or I don’t, but sometimes I really don’t feel like walking or going to yoga or eating decently.

I know it’s bad when…

It’s been off and on difficult here for so many reasons, but I usually rally and do the things that I know will help me in the end.

Some days or weeks do feel extra hard and this has been one of those. I won’t go into why, but there are some disturbing energies wafting around in the incessant November wind lately.

And speaking of the wind, I do not enjoy walking in it. It’s cold, it’s blowing in every direction, and it makes it feel even colder.

I hope it will blow some of the energy away, but mostly it just swirls it around.

The leaves are pretty, dancing across lawns and roads, and flying down to the earth from nearly bare trees.

I wonder if in a few years I will look back and wonder how I managed. The days are so long. I wonder if what I’m doing is what I should be doing. I mean, I’m here, I’m doing it and there doesn’t seem to be other choices, but man, I wish some days that I could go to sleep and not wake up until it’s over.

Instead, I get up, go to yoga, go to work, go walk, make a healthy snack, keep moving, keep smiling, keep looking for the joy, tiny instances of joy and love that occur in every single day. Even the extra charged and extra difficult days have tiny moments of grace woven in. I’ve learned to look hard for them or make them up myself.

Today, I made soup with root vegetables, carrots that I went out and pulled from my garden, onions and garlic from a neighbor’s garden, locally grown sweet potato.

Someone at yoga said that it was a good way to ground myself, so I gave it a try. Andrea Boteceli blasting in the background, it was a glimmer of light in an otherwise trying day. Yoga was too, light, sweet, another bright spot. I’m so grateful for these.

Joe Walsh

I don’t tend to run into celebrities. It’s never been a thing with me.

But a long time ago my first husband was in AA with Joe W.

He came home one day from work and said we’re going to a bar.

Part of the reason I’ve lived this life is that if I doesn’t ‘feel’ off, even if it sounds off, I tend to be curious enough to show up.

That’s how I ended up in a tiny bar in Encinitas three feet away from Joe on guitar. Then later being introduced. It was a weeknight. The only people in the audience were guys in the program, Joes family and a few stragglers.

I remember no details about this impromptu performance, except that I was witnessing pure talent like right there! Talent, years of practice and more bravado then anyone else in the room, (which if you know anything about the AA demographic, is saying a lot).(sorry for the generalization, I’m sure there are plenty of super humble people in AA too, not so much that night though)

It was sooo cool.

remind us to live in the moment and have some fun.

They get us up and out of the house. They make us go for walks. They make us laugh.

On this cold windy November Sunday, I pass many people walking their dogs through a shin deep swish of leaves. Hair blowing in every direction, the dogs don’t care about a chill in the air. It’s good to be out even when the sun isn’t. It’s nice to appreciate the beauty of the day.

We hit a rough patch with problems around the house. Stress over things that I’m not stressed about, but others are, is stressful! Things I would normally not think too much about have given me many bizarrely and unexpected grief filled moments. So much unpredictable oddness.

As if the week wasn’t already energeticly charged.

I leaned heavily into yoga. There’s a wonderful studio and community here. They offered lots of little extras this week. Very much appreciated. Just like pets and windy fall days, and the beginnings of problem resolution.

I’m trying to answer this question because I feel it has a nice message for me today.

I’ve spent money on expensive things before. Lots of times. However I rationalized, I made it make sense. I’m usually pretty frugal and I know it’s not things that will lead to ultimate happiness, but there comes along something, every now and then, that FEELS like happiness.

I indulge myself because, ultimately, I want to give to myself the feeling that I am worth it.

I am worth something.

I am worth more than the every day grind of frugality.

Name that expensive item that I am worth. Is that the question for me?

Did a set of pots and pans help me feel worthy? Did a pair of boots? Is it really true that I felt worth for a little while? If so, for how long? Was the experience worth it?

I must have, and it must have been, but I’m ready for a new question. Can I send myself feelings of worth in other ways? In more lasting, authentic and meaningful ways?

It’s only when I’m feeling off that my worth even comes to mind anymore. Of course I’m worth expensive footwear or kitchen equipment. I don’t need to prove this to myself.

Or do I? Proving worth is an ongoing internal dialog and decision managing system.

My choice to seek joy. To stay open and loving towards everything and everyone is because nothing is worth closing over. Nothing is so important that my state of mind should be sacrificed for. Nothing is worth letting myself be miserable over.

Not one thing. As things try, I am committed to reminding myself of my worth by standing firm and not allowing it. It’s not an item, it’s an action. And I know for certain that I am definitely worth every effort in this direction.

Cheers to openness.

It was commissioned by my favorite nonprofit #kidsforpeace to kick off Kindness Week during lockdown. It was a difficult time.

To see it today, was a surprise. it was more evidence that love is the only response.

In the end, love wins.

Love.

Wins.

It does. Seeing this in action, in the face of everything, is something I hardly have words for.

Kindness, joy, love. I’m watching whole communities doubling down.

I’m overwhelmed. In so many directions. By kindness. By love.

By comforting communities extending light and love to each other. There is strength in that.

I’m seeing it.

I’m feeling it.

I love a good podcast to walk to.

Lately I’ve been grappling with understanding energy. High frequency vibrations which I prefer and lower ones.

You know how twenty people could say something positive, but you get stuck on the one negative comment one person says? Well I guess that’s because lower frequencies have more weight. They stick.

Usually if there’s a disturbance causing pain coming from outside which then gets stuck, it’s because its stuck on something already inside that is being held instead of let go.

If I can get myself to let go, I could be rid of that one thing forever.

Only there are millions of low frequency vibrations out there and inside of us. We don’t get rid of them with distractions or justification.

The suggestion is to feel the discomfort, observe it, let if wash on through until we feel free of it. Then do that again and again and again.

This is I think what was said on the Michael Singer podcast I last listened to.

I’m exhausted just thinking about it. The price of freedom sounds steep.

I do like the concept of relaxing my shoulders. Relaxing my heart. Relaxing into emotion, breathing and letting go.

I’m considering a series of paintings based on the concept of staying open…

I’m doing a lot of painting and not feeling that in-the-flow feeling. In other words I don’t like anything I’m working on

I hope to maybe like something soon…

Meanwhile relaxing and not closing. Or least attempting

Ahh the angst of art

I’ll probably return to just looking for joy for now.

The Untethered Soul again…

I’m attempting to wrap my head around this concept : If I recognize pain as nothing more than ‘disturbing energy’…

He, (Michael Singer, the author), is talking about emotional pain.

If I can get my heart to relax and stay open, when it very much wants to close,

I will be free.

Untethered

When I first read this book many years ago, I think I skimmed over some chapters, preferring to avoid pain, even reading about it.

The idea sounds simple enough while I’m reading, but then suddenly I find myself being ‘energetically disturbed’, and closing, and thinking and trying to figure out how to feel better, and nothing seems to be working.

When I found myself rereading this chapter for the sixth time. Reading what I highlighted, highlighting more, I got the much needed reminder to relax my shoulders, relax my heart, feel the pain without judgement, without justifying and without pacifying myself.

Just letting it bubble up. Breathe and let whatever I can, go. If I can stop fearing the pain, or trying to avoid it. Just feel it, and let it wash through me, I can be free.

This is a tall order. It’s uh, what my first book is about. Strong emotion is how we know we are ‘energetically disturbed’. Breathing through strong emotion is the fastest way to have it wash through and dissipate. It’s the fastest ways to be free of ‘energetic disturbances’ Holding on will affect my own energy and everyone I associate with.

I wear a necklace that reminds me that I want to keep my heart as open and as full of light as possible. My personal circumstances haven’t been ideal, never mind everything that’s happening in the world. I have been studying this heart staying open concept for some time.

It’s HARD

When the book was reviewed in a book club I attended, a few people took issue with how flip the author sounded. They felt he didn’t address large issues or how this applied to REAL problems. Real suffering.

I think we all agreed that we wouldn’t probably recommend it to someone going through a hard time.

But for me, it has been helpful. Falling back, observing my thoughts, feeling my feelings. Doing my best to relax my shoulders and heart and to stay open and loving.

Emotions can run high. They can feel overwhelming. Their job is to let us know when we are energetically disturbed. Just like physical pain alerts us to something being wrong in our bodies, these are our alert systems.

Even so, I want to stay open. I want loving energy to prevail.

Not closing is my new goal.