Some days, man.

Can that many things go awry in less than a single hour? I probably needed coffee.

Was this a test?

Oh I know

I’m being dramatic.

I’m reading a book about inner energy and maybe cosmicly cued. Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Just little things. Nothing major.

I read this:

If you want to feel your own inner energy, then you have to stay open. No matter what happens.

Closing to and because of, various kinds of things is a habit. One that we can actually learn to change.

Oh

I kind of know this, but I also know it’s pretty hard at times to even know there’s a choice to be made.

I used to argue for my limitation around this a lot. How am I supposed to choose in the middle of my knee jerking reaction?!

Well, armed with this freshly imparted knowledge from reading ‘Untethered’ I let the little glitchy morning details go. I listened to some music and moved on. We went to get some delicious sounding bread, only when we saw it, it was too many days old, so we bought apples and a cute squash that looks like a pumpkin.

My day meandered in and out of good and not so good.

We put the motor back on my boat and after a good long idle, went for a spin. This ended with stalling and G having to row back.

It wasn’t over though.

Second try, something about water in the gas feeder tube thing, maybe. When that was eliminated, all went fine.

She’s back and what a great boating day it turned out to be!

I’m calling today a success because I didn’t let one single thing get to me enough to squeeze shut my inner energy circuits. Not one.

I think I’ve changed my mind about a lot of things over the years.

As I gain more knowledge and experience, my mind sees things from a different perspective, so I change, then my mind does.

Change, something that’s in the air lately, (with Autumn, a new moon, the equinox and all), has not always been my favorite thing. All the discomfort, I don’t relish even the idea of it, but whatver we do as humans to hang onto all things comfortable, I’m well aware that change happens. How else would we evolve? (if only there WAS another way)

Today, I’m revisiting how I feel about change. I’ve been an observer in an immersion situation of sorts. It’s a little like being a bystander but at the same time getting pulled in often enough, that I feel my own energy affected. Here in summer town, out of towners are the ones enthralled with the changing leaves, most of the residents are less than excited for the weather that’s coming. Changing colors is a reminder no one wants to acknowledge. I get that, but I’m trying my best to stay an observer for now.

Which is the reminder I got from a book I started reading today. It’s a book I’ve read several times at different ages in my adult life and loved each time. Honestly, it’s as though it’s a new book every time.

‘Untethered’ by Michael Singer, is probably the best written explanation of how our minds and consciousness interact. He beautifully explains how our vibrational energy doesn’t come from food or sleep, but instead from not pinching it off. (which we do when we let our minds talk us into all different things. He tells a whole story about the exhaustion caused by one bad event, then how it can disappear when a really amazing thing happens. His stories are simple and relatable and truly help illustrate complex concepts.

Today I’ve decided to change my mind about change. I’m doing my best to sit back and observe my thoughts on the subject.

Oh I’m out of place alright.

But I’m getting used to it.

It’s funny, all the years I moved around as a kid, I always got used to my new surroundings. Looking back, most of where I ended up, I was out of place, still, I went to school, did chores, made friends and existed fine enough.

Being adopted, I always felt like I was out of place at home, since it was all I knew, I just accepted it as normal.

It wasn’t until much later that I would find myself feeling like I fit in. Moving away, I was devastated. I chased the fitting in feeling for a big chunk of my life, even so, I spent whole decades in non-me situations.

We are getting ready to go back to California. (my home planet) for the winter. G has work, I have the gallery opportunity, on top of kids and grandkids, friends, familiarity.

Today, I have a huge appreciation for this experience and every other out of place circumstance I have landed in over the years. Even though I really really didn’t love the time I spent in Western Canada, talk about a fish out of water, that place was as far away from sunny beaches and flowing energy for me as could be. Even so, I made friends, skied, lived through those dark winters…it was already getting dark walking home from school. I tried to keep swimming, but my hair actually froze into icicles while I waited to be picked up. The dark mornings, the kids I couldn’t relate to, the teachers. Oh my! I haven’t been back since my parents passed.

Still, I am glad I figured out how to manage, how to do pretty well even. Maybe fitting in isn’t as important as I thought it was.

I’m saying this now. After I’ve made friends and found really good yoga, figured some things out. When I was new here, I was constantly uncomfortable.

I’m not all the way comfortable now, but I’m figuring out how to be upbeat dispite all the little out of place reminders. I’ve learned how to play down things that don’t help me, at least most of the time.

I’ve had some challenging moments even very recently, but oddly, Im in a moment of thankfulness. It’s good to feel discomfort, they say. Discomfort is how change feels. Its growth. I usually prefer to stay still and not grow, I’ve changed enough, haven’t I? Maybe.

(Nod to Glidna Radner, and the whole SNL bunch)

Every morning, every night.

It IS always something.

We haven’t yet put the motor back on the boat. We’re close to it, but then-

a sink hole was discovered. I can’t make this stuff up.

Not only can I not predict anything, but how or what implications will follow are always a surprise.

A big hole beside and under the stairs that lead down to the dock revealed itself when a bush was removed.

Much discussion surrounding this topic ensued. Finally a concrete specialist was called. The neighbor was concerned about her yard eroding away with each winter storm and wanted to put up an additional wall. Her property borders our dock access and her house is the closest one to the water. She was the most upset about the hole with good reason, but it was weighing heavily in the air here as well. Erosion. It’s a thing.

The concrete guy said the hole was an easy fix. (and not caused by storm erosion, he said it was run-off) We spent less than ten minutes being schooled by him and agreeing to his plan before heading back for supper.

His truck remained at the neighbors until well after dark.

Today was lawn day so when I arrived home from work, there was the buzz of that, along with the the sink hole energy. There is an ongoing discussion about trees that need to be raked under. Whether it’s leaves or flowers, there is always talk of cutting these down, (because of the burden of raking). Today, G’s mom was about to call to have this beautiful tree removed, but then the concrete guy arrived and pulled her attention away.

As a weird miracle, the price of fixing the hole was around the price of removing the tree. This means the tree gets to live another year! We have promised to rake. I did it last year. I don’t remember how terrible everyone claims it was and will be. Like that one football player said about golf, you have to have a short memory for some things.

I’m not trying to make sense of all this, but there is a part of me that is wondering what I’m learning here. I mean, there has to be something, right?

I haven’t heard what the neighbor will do. She wanted to put a cement wall between her property and this one. Since aesthetics are never considered, (at least none that I understand), I can only hope there will be permit hold ups. Since we aren’t talking about something lovely, it might be approved in record time. I’m hoping the concrete guy has other ideas. Otherwise a giant cement wall will be standing awkwardly beside our cute beach.

It’ll be fine. However this drama plays out, life will go on. The best part is that as of today, the beautiful tree gets to change and lose its leaves and live!

(I was told that it’s just my opinion that the tree is beautiful, that it’s really not). (Did I mention my lack of aesthetic understanding already?). So I took a picture of the side that is less full, the side that, I was informed, made it ugly. (still, in my opinion, its beautiful).

I am ever Alice after she fell down that rabbit hole. Does anyone know what that book was actually about? I think I might be living whatever the theme is, and I have no idea…

Yesterday was a good day.

I went to yoga after coffee, came home, meditated, then painted most of the day away.

I talked to my good friend about all things art and gallery.

Later, G and I took a spin around the cove in my boat so I could check out the leaves. Bright reds and yellows and oranges are stating to dot the plethora of dark green. I like having a day to day, front row seat to watch the seasons change. It’s so perfectly dramatic.

The hydengas I waited for so long to bloom, have turned from brilliant summer blue to a grayish violet color which I’m loving right now. The air is crisp in the mornings, cool enough for a jacket on our evening walks. I do love fall. We are setting up to have a cozy studio/ kitchen area which is coming together nicely.

I’ve heard this advice, make the things you love big, the things you don’t, small. Play up what’s good in your life, give limited attention to the less favorable aspects. The theory is that what gets attention grows and what doesn’t falls back.

I have been experimenting with this concept for awhile, but its a good reminder for me right now. I want to throw down some good energy on art. On making the most of a wacky life circumstance. On making my days as sweet as I can. Life is as weird and limiting as ever, but I’m committed to making each one as good as I can, because, well, it makes the most sense for my brain right now.

There was a knock on the door.

No one hears well or expects a 7 am caller.

Finally they answer. Its neighbor Pat.

Syl calls to me that G is running down to the dock. I’m just out of the shower so I dress quickly and follow him. Wet hair flying.

It’s the Belle Andie. She under water. Even worse her new motor is submerged.

This is terrible.

G runs back to the house to get the key for the lock. (the motor is new, well was, and we were warned of the dangers of it being stollen, so a lock was fastened on) It was hard to put on above water. Taking it off is, well, not easy.

G is mad. Syl is crying. I’m now hiding out because when feelings come on strong, I just want to stay clear.

Now

The motor is in the back of the truck waiting for a boat place to open that can flush out the salt water.

G and Syl are arguing about which place to take it. G and I are wet from getting the motor off and hauling the boat to shore, my feet are freezing.

I’m sad that my boating days are now over, it was just last night that we enjoyed a beautiful trip around the cove. It sad that we won’t get to do this anymore, but it is just a boat, motors have to have this kind of thing happen once in a while. I mean they go on boats. In water… Again I know nothing.

No one was IN the boat when she sunk. It happened early this morning at high tide. I’m sorry to be all Pollyanna about this, but we are all fine, there was no danger or suffering. Just the end of some fun, plus some worry about the motor. (Which I clearly don’t know enough to be distraught about)

I’m waiting to hear what the neighbor who used to own a marina has to say about our now hosed off motor.

G took it to a place to be taken apart and flushed out. (Everyone had the same answer)

Back at the dock, we bail. And bail. And bail. We pull our little boat out of the water.

Towel dry the sandy inside. Then push her back into the water. No one can figure out how the small leak managed to sink and submerge her in less than twelve hours. Neighbors have gathered. Everyone is trying to figure out where the water is coming in.

Finally, it’s decided that water is bubbling in from under the motor plate board thing. G recalls the motor jumping and slamming into the back of the boat when he put it in reverse the last time. A small slit has been found that can easily be patched.

The motor will be fine according to the boat experts at the place he dropped it off.

So good news! My boating days aren’t over after all.

That’s where I’m headed. But where is that exactly? What direction?

I’m at a turning point, I feel that, but which way do I turn? Which way am I going? Which way do I want to go? Hmmm…

I went to yoga

Where I was reminded not to over think it, to let go of expectations, to trust, to show up and let things play out as they do.

Which was the best answer for me today. Its what I did. I worked on my art for several hours. Have I forgotten how challenging it is to get out of my way, to allow things to be as they land, reserving judgement. To truly not like or dislike, anything, At least for this session.

Trauma seems to be a well used word lately.

Teachers, business owners, HR, nearly every kind of employer or employee is being trained and informed about ‘trauma imformed’ behavior.

It seems that trauma affects all of us. I guess being human, it makes sense that we can’t get through a life without traumatic experiences.

An interesting subject, on one hand, it can explain a lot about why anyone acts the way they do. It can explain better our own selves. Why am I acting this way? Ohhh trauma triggers…

The downside is, that it’s a good excuse for not trying too hard, as in: What’s the use, I have a trauma condition…

Which can’t be a helpful stance

Can it? I mean it’s good to give ourselves and others a pass, to veiw with a compassionate eye.

I think we have other options too.

With all the new research and understanding, my hope is that we can treat ourselves and our fellow humans better, but also have more skills for regulating.

I know I want to continue to learn more and to amend some of my life views, (the ones that get in the way of calm confidence). Times when I wake up off, or get triggered by something unexpected or even unknown. I’m always seeking more awareness. More self understanding, more other people understanding. Always more self understanding.

I wrote my book ‘Peaceful Hearts’, a few years ago. It came out of my triggered reaction to a very televised school shooting. I didn’t yet know anything about triggers. What I remember is not being able to stop watching the horrible scenes on repeat as they played across my computer screen or how sad and sick I felt. The worse I felt the harder it was to drag eyes away. The affects stayed with me for weeks. I didn’t feel this way immediately after the shooting at our school, the one I was actually in, years before. I even went to EMDR afterwards to help me get over the dread of going to work that I felt after a long weekend or week break. I wasn’t the only one who got stomache aches as I drove up.

My friend’s son, who was on the playground at lunch the day it happened, struggled to stay at school for lunch for years afterward.

No one was talking about trauma back then. Many parents and teachers struggled with strong feelings, random fears, even anger, for quite awhile. Many refused to talk about it. EMDR was a new, unique therapy that many of us tried with pretty good success.

But these triggers…

I wrote and illustrated ‘Peaceful Heart’s’ long before I knew anything about the term ‘triggered’. I just knew I was affected and so were others. Here was an event, long since past, affecting us so completely. I was trying to just find some peace for myself.

It’s interesting that now, I don’t expect to ‘get over’ the traumatic events of my life. Years ago, I would have felt shamed for not being able to ‘just move on’. Instead, I now understand that these experiences never go away, but that I can live peacefully, triggers and all, anyway.

Even though things are recorded in my brain and body, I found some helpful tools that work.

Awareness, breathwork. Yoga

Having ‘Peaceful Hearts’ come to me, was as though the future was handing me a bit of help across the years.

Lately, as we as a society, become comfortable discussing harder things, Peaceful Hearts, which talks about emotion and breathing and feeling, is selling out.

Things you can’t predict.

For me anyway.

Change is not just coming, it’s here.

After passing the year mark of my blog and website, the wordpress prompt questions are repeating and won’t let me answer.

The temperature has dropped significantly. Leaves are turning from green to orange to brown and landing all over.

I have to change up my daily routine. It’s too cold to dash outside barefoot, my garden is waning. It’s time to turn inward, to set up my mornings to paint.

It’s time for me to start finding productive artistic success. It’s time for me to get down to work. I’m ready to get a new series going.

I’ll keep blogging, but I’ll be turning my focus to visual art as the seasons and everything else changes.

I admit that I’m a little excited about change. I’m used to it. I like where things seem to be going.