Laundry

Switching from summer clothes to sweaters and cool weather clothes.

Why?

Just dragging out summer as long as I can. This little town is a summery place even with it’s New England vibe. No one is excited about putting their boat away for the season. I want another ride in mine.

Hopefully tomorrow…

What if there was only one question? Do I want to be happy?

That’s where I’m at in the book (“the untethered soul”) right now.

What if I choose to live by this choice no matter what? No matter what happens. No matter how my day plays out? No matter who or what I encounter. No matter what energy or mood I’m surrounded by. No matter WHAT, I decide to be happy. How do I do that?!

The answer is both simple and complicated. Here’s my take-away :

Relax. I have to learn to relax through disturbances. Be an observer of the me that has the feelings, the happening, the circumstances. Know that it’s a temporary disturbance. If I relax through it it will disapate faster. If I hold on, ruminate, go on about it, (the author calls that clinging), it will stay longer, and cause me and maybe others suffering.

Oh suffering…

This reminds me of giving birth. I learned this concept in a strange but strong way, I just never applied it toward emotional pain.

My first time through giving birth, I was young and afraid. I got to my threshold of pain and cried ‘uncle’! As in give me ANYTHING to stop this PAIN! I tightened, I braced. It got worse. It already was getting worse, and I was becoming more and more terrified.

Doctors and nurses took forever to discuss and prepare (or so it seemed). Somehow I remembered being told to relax my muscles into the pain. This took every bit of my concentration. By the time a needle was in my arm, my baby was born. What I learned in that little stretch of time, was that if I could relax my body, (this took extreme concentration), and hold on, the end of the pain was coming. So when that moment came in later births, I knew. With each birth I got a little better at relaxing into intense pain, knowing it was going to pass. With or without the medication.

Who could predict this was a life lesson that I would be thinking about all these years later? It applies though. I tell myself every time things feel dyer that it will pass. That it’s passing. That it’s almost over. It just never occurred to me to relax. Sometimes I ruminate, but I know it isn’t helping, I know that trying to convince anyone of my side, is not going to help. I try to distract myself. I have learned this part well, but it’s hard to remember lessons in the middle of intense disturbances.

I do still cause myself, and probably others to suffer. Certainly not purposely.

I think I behave like an ant when my hill is knocked over, running around doing anything, anything to make whatever it is, stop. (even as it doesn’t seem to work)

What about relaxing into it? I’m fascinated that this never occurred to me until now.

Relax. Hmmm, interesting suggestion. I learned in labor that fighting and bracing against the pain getting worse, did not help, that for me, it actually made it worse. Works the same way with any pain? Really? I have a strong will and the super power of overriding my thoughts, (you train for and run enough marathons and you get to know this about yourself). Birth for me became a very mental situation. This was a gift not everyone experiences. We all have different gifts, but I think the real gift for me is the metaphor.

For a generally happy person, I’ve weathered some tough things in life. I’m always thankful for any insight about how to manage better.

I’ve been around long enough to know that Happy is not simple, given the choice, it’s my preference. Still, I fully respect not choosing it, because some days it doesn’t feel like an option at all.

What would I try if I was certain that I would succeed at it?

I changed the words of the prompt.

I’d be open to try a lot of things. Success aside, I think I kind of am anyway.

What if we took success out of the equation. What about just trying to try ?

A headstand? Who cares if I am successful at a headstand?

Can you tell that I’m hung up on the part that motivates us to try or not try do anything because of success or fear of failure?

If I had only done the things I’m good at and knew I’d be successful at, my life would be pretty void of many of my best things. In fact I failed at most of the coolest things I tried. This is a pretty weird realization.

Do I have regrets? Maybe but mostly, I don’t.

I would love to be successful, I do enjoy success, who doesn’t?

But would I trade a life of only success at things I know I can succeed at, for the one I’ve had? Weirdly, I would not.

I’m not sure what that means. I also wonder about adding the word yet.

You never know. Sometimes you spend time toiling away, before you meet with success. How do any of us know that success isn’t around the corner. Or that under a different definition, you already have been?

On this day, so many years ago, a man walked onto the elementary school campus where I was teaching. It was lunchtime for first, second and third grade. I had a break between classes and was checking out some temporary partition walls for an outdoor art show the following day. I was alone in the media center when our principal ran by saying to shut the door, we were locking down, there was shooting.

I heard it, but we had construction going on for months, so it didnt register as something other than a nail gun. I left the media center after a few moments of silence when I saw the second grade teachers run past. They were off campus and managed to get back on before the police had a chance to stop them. We all ended up in the office. The majority of kids ended up in one classroom. Two children were airlifted to a local hospital. Parents stood helplessly waiting in a park across from the school.

That moment turned into hours of lockdown, then months and years of PTSD.

For our whole community.

I think all these years later, the thing that sticks with me is the fact that the experience affected so many people for so long. The aftermath of what happened AFTER is one thing you hardly hear about.

We were wrecked. Everything changed. Nothing ever went back to the innocence of before. And no one wanted to talk about it.

Rarely do you hear about a community several months afterward. We had therapy dogs on campus for the rest of the year. Parents stayed with their kids for weeks on campus, unable to leave them. Some teachers were edgy and fearful and suddenly angry all the time. Eight foot fences went up. Rules changed. Our beautiful open school, became its own fortress. No more riding bikes or playing basketball on weekends. It was forever locked.

Life changed. We changed. Since that day hundreds, probably thousands of schools have also had shootings. I wish this one thing could completely stop.

Yesterday was a perfect weather day. Warm, not too warm, Sunny, a little breezy, not windy. Blue sky. Picture a perfectly beautiful, Halmark movie set day.

Today right on cue, is gray and raining. Lightning, followed directly by thunder. It’s honestly looking like movie set rain pelting the road and windows.

Things like taking out the trash, morning commutes, outdoor plans (like raking leaves) are affected.

My chance to practice some of the ideas I’m reading about in The Untethered Soul are all around me. The news is blasting stories of hurucanrs, wars, shootings and more weather. Concern is amping up in many directions.

So here I go.

Letting go. Letting go of everything that might be affecting me personally. I confess the rain doesn’t affect me the same as everyone. I like some rainy days. I enjoy the coziness and drama, but what DOES affect me are the moods of others.

That’s my thing to let go of.

I wrote Peaceful Hearts about this very thing. I love that I am revisiting this concept so many years later. Watch and feel the feelings come up. Let them come all the way up, breathe through them, don’t get lost in any thinking about the feelings, and then let them go. If I don’t get involved in my thoughts about the feelings, they will be easier to allow and let go of? I know this. I’ve done this, but, what a great reminder.

It’s as if I’m living a life that sets me up to practice every day. Oh wait, not as if, maybe this is the point? Of life? To keep our energy flowing dispite disturbances? Hmmm

Probably partly anyway. I’m doing my best to not block or close off my own joy.

Some days it feels impossible. Other days it works easily. I can never predict.

Some days, man.

Can that many things go awry in less than a single hour? I probably needed coffee.

Was this a test?

Oh I know

I’m being dramatic.

I’m reading a book about inner energy and maybe cosmicly cued. Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Just little things. Nothing major.

I read this:

If you want to feel your own inner energy, then you have to stay open. No matter what happens.

Closing to and because of, various kinds of things is a habit. One that we can actually learn to change.

Oh

I kind of know this, but I also know it’s pretty hard at times to even know there’s a choice to be made.

I used to argue for my limitation around this a lot. How am I supposed to choose in the middle of my knee jerking reaction?!

Well, armed with this freshly imparted knowledge from reading ‘Untethered’ I let the little glitchy morning details go. I listened to some music and moved on. We went to get some delicious sounding bread, only when we saw it, it was too many days old, so we bought apples and a cute squash that looks like a pumpkin.

My day meandered in and out of good and not so good.

We put the motor back on my boat and after a good long idle, went for a spin. This ended with stalling and G having to row back.

It wasn’t over though.

Second try, something about water in the gas feeder tube thing, maybe. When that was eliminated, all went fine.

She’s back and what a great boating day it turned out to be!

I’m calling today a success because I didn’t let one single thing get to me enough to squeeze shut my inner energy circuits. Not one.

I think I’ve changed my mind about a lot of things over the years.

As I gain more knowledge and experience, my mind sees things from a different perspective, so I change, then my mind does.

Change, something that’s in the air lately, (with Autumn, a new moon, the equinox and all), has not always been my favorite thing. All the discomfort, I don’t relish even the idea of it, but whatver we do as humans to hang onto all things comfortable, I’m well aware that change happens. How else would we evolve? (if only there WAS another way)

Today, I’m revisiting how I feel about change. I’ve been an observer in an immersion situation of sorts. It’s a little like being a bystander but at the same time getting pulled in often enough, that I feel my own energy affected. Here in summer town, out of towners are the ones enthralled with the changing leaves, most of the residents are less than excited for the weather that’s coming. Changing colors is a reminder no one wants to acknowledge. I get that, but I’m trying my best to stay an observer for now.

Which is the reminder I got from a book I started reading today. It’s a book I’ve read several times at different ages in my adult life and loved each time. Honestly, it’s as though it’s a new book every time.

‘Untethered’ by Michael Singer, is probably the best written explanation of how our minds and consciousness interact. He beautifully explains how our vibrational energy doesn’t come from food or sleep, but instead from not pinching it off. (which we do when we let our minds talk us into all different things. He tells a whole story about the exhaustion caused by one bad event, then how it can disappear when a really amazing thing happens. His stories are simple and relatable and truly help illustrate complex concepts.

Today I’ve decided to change my mind about change. I’m doing my best to sit back and observe my thoughts on the subject.

Oh I’m out of place alright.

But I’m getting used to it.

It’s funny, all the years I moved around as a kid, I always got used to my new surroundings. Looking back, most of where I ended up, I was out of place, still, I went to school, did chores, made friends and existed fine enough.

Being adopted, I always felt like I was out of place at home, since it was all I knew, I just accepted it as normal.

It wasn’t until much later that I would find myself feeling like I fit in. Moving away, I was devastated. I chased the fitting in feeling for a big chunk of my life, even so, I spent whole decades in non-me situations.

We are getting ready to go back to California. (my home planet) for the winter. G has work, I have the gallery opportunity, on top of kids and grandkids, friends, familiarity.

Today, I have a huge appreciation for this experience and every other out of place circumstance I have landed in over the years. Even though I really really didn’t love the time I spent in Western Canada, talk about a fish out of water, that place was as far away from sunny beaches and flowing energy for me as could be. Even so, I made friends, skied, lived through those dark winters…it was already getting dark walking home from school. I tried to keep swimming, but my hair actually froze into icicles while I waited to be picked up. The dark mornings, the kids I couldn’t relate to, the teachers. Oh my! I haven’t been back since my parents passed.

Still, I am glad I figured out how to manage, how to do pretty well even. Maybe fitting in isn’t as important as I thought it was.

I’m saying this now. After I’ve made friends and found really good yoga, figured some things out. When I was new here, I was constantly uncomfortable.

I’m not all the way comfortable now, but I’m figuring out how to be upbeat dispite all the little out of place reminders. I’ve learned how to play down things that don’t help me, at least most of the time.

I’ve had some challenging moments even very recently, but oddly, Im in a moment of thankfulness. It’s good to feel discomfort, they say. Discomfort is how change feels. Its growth. I usually prefer to stay still and not grow, I’ve changed enough, haven’t I? Maybe.

(Nod to Glidna Radner, and the whole SNL bunch)

Every morning, every night.

It IS always something.

We haven’t yet put the motor back on the boat. We’re close to it, but then-

a sink hole was discovered. I can’t make this stuff up.

Not only can I not predict anything, but how or what implications will follow are always a surprise.

A big hole beside and under the stairs that lead down to the dock revealed itself when a bush was removed.

Much discussion surrounding this topic ensued. Finally a concrete specialist was called. The neighbor was concerned about her yard eroding away with each winter storm and wanted to put up an additional wall. Her property borders our dock access and her house is the closest one to the water. She was the most upset about the hole with good reason, but it was weighing heavily in the air here as well. Erosion. It’s a thing.

The concrete guy said the hole was an easy fix. (and not caused by storm erosion, he said it was run-off) We spent less than ten minutes being schooled by him and agreeing to his plan before heading back for supper.

His truck remained at the neighbors until well after dark.

Today was lawn day so when I arrived home from work, there was the buzz of that, along with the the sink hole energy. There is an ongoing discussion about trees that need to be raked under. Whether it’s leaves or flowers, there is always talk of cutting these down, (because of the burden of raking). Today, G’s mom was about to call to have this beautiful tree removed, but then the concrete guy arrived and pulled her attention away.

As a weird miracle, the price of fixing the hole was around the price of removing the tree. This means the tree gets to live another year! We have promised to rake. I did it last year. I don’t remember how terrible everyone claims it was and will be. Like that one football player said about golf, you have to have a short memory for some things.

I’m not trying to make sense of all this, but there is a part of me that is wondering what I’m learning here. I mean, there has to be something, right?

I haven’t heard what the neighbor will do. She wanted to put a cement wall between her property and this one. Since aesthetics are never considered, (at least none that I understand), I can only hope there will be permit hold ups. Since we aren’t talking about something lovely, it might be approved in record time. I’m hoping the concrete guy has other ideas. Otherwise a giant cement wall will be standing awkwardly beside our cute beach.

It’ll be fine. However this drama plays out, life will go on. The best part is that as of today, the beautiful tree gets to change and lose its leaves and live!

(I was told that it’s just my opinion that the tree is beautiful, that it’s really not). (Did I mention my lack of aesthetic understanding already?). So I took a picture of the side that is less full, the side that, I was informed, made it ugly. (still, in my opinion, its beautiful).

I am ever Alice after she fell down that rabbit hole. Does anyone know what that book was actually about? I think I might be living whatever the theme is, and I have no idea…

Yesterday was a good day.

I went to yoga after coffee, came home, meditated, then painted most of the day away.

I talked to my good friend about all things art and gallery.

Later, G and I took a spin around the cove in my boat so I could check out the leaves. Bright reds and yellows and oranges are stating to dot the plethora of dark green. I like having a day to day, front row seat to watch the seasons change. It’s so perfectly dramatic.

The hydengas I waited for so long to bloom, have turned from brilliant summer blue to a grayish violet color which I’m loving right now. The air is crisp in the mornings, cool enough for a jacket on our evening walks. I do love fall. We are setting up to have a cozy studio/ kitchen area which is coming together nicely.

I’ve heard this advice, make the things you love big, the things you don’t, small. Play up what’s good in your life, give limited attention to the less favorable aspects. The theory is that what gets attention grows and what doesn’t falls back.

I have been experimenting with this concept for awhile, but its a good reminder for me right now. I want to throw down some good energy on art. On making the most of a wacky life circumstance. On making my days as sweet as I can. Life is as weird and limiting as ever, but I’m committed to making each one as good as I can, because, well, it makes the most sense for my brain right now.