I have no idea. I guess I’m not that self aware.

When I started to type “I’m an open book…” G said you are not an open book!

So that’s my answer. I’m a mystery

As much to myself as anyone I guess!

Lazy days, I remember those.

Cozy warm moments in front of the fireplace. Curling up under a blanket reading or watching something inspiring. Painting as the hours slip by, blissfully, often completely oblivious to the passage of time. Wholesome deliciousness baking in the oven and/or simmering on the stove. Candles, music, oh comfort, oh beauty. Ah lazy, unhurried comfort…

This morning as the sun was coming up, the full moon hung low over the water. It was barely past 6:30. We dashed down to the dock to pull the boat out (because she keeps taking on water and we had forgotten to the night before).

Our breath coming out in little clouds as we ran, we couldn’t help marvel at the giant globe of moon straight in front of us, ribbons of light reflecting gold on the water.

Sometimes beauty surprises me. Sometimes I try to create it. Sometimes I seek it, like our scenic boat ride yesterday, or the tiny town of Chester we showed my brother.

I love that today, on this chilly morning, we were literally running toward a beautiful surprise moonscape.

I have traded in lazy days for days with unexpected marvels. Little things that take my breath away. Conversation, music, exceptional yoga, brilliant foliage, lovely landscapes. My time here is taken up with schedules and chores for now.

I have learned to pay attention. I know to give attention to the things that I love. I sift and sort for all things graditude . Love, Beauty. Light.

I miss the balance of having a unstructured days, but I take in my wonderful moments fully.

What Different Thing Could I Try that I’ve never done before?

How about monetary success? Would that be fun? I think so. It sounds a fun…

I’ve always gotten by. I’ve had a pretty charmed life actually. I’ve been lucky. I like work. I’ve volunteered, I’ve had paid positions since the age of fourteen. Even earlier if you count babysitting. But work and success haven’t equaled each other yet in my life. I’ve been working in the field of art for years. Things I’ve worked the hardest at, have not brought monetary success.

I’ve also tried freelancing and owning businesses. I’m pretty good at the research and development parts, but marketing and production not so much. I can produce, but I surely don’t enjoy repetition. Also, book keeping is not my favorite.

I love working. I enjoy being engrossed in projects and happily lose track of time while engaged in work. Lately, I’ve even enjoyed working at the laundry place. it’s the perfect way to get out and pass the hours. Folding can be very zen as my yoga friends pointed out, so true.

Before I die, it might be fun to actually be successful. Why not? At what, I don’t yet know, but I’m sure it will be something I both love and am good at.

For now, I’m helping my friend set up her new gallery and making some paintings to go in it. At the very least I alway get to do cool things. So far my eclectic privledged slice of life has been fun.

Widening my perspective, including more in, as in success, might be something new to try out.

Balance

Movement

Contrast

Focus

Variety

Unity

Rhythm

Harmony

If life was art and it sort of is, I need all these to keep my interest, to feel my best, so I can have a desire to keep showing up.

When I’m missing one, it’s like a wheel fell off. Then I feel off. If I have too much of one and not enough of another, it easily explains why one of my paintings isn’t working. Often enough, I’ve neglected one of these and well, there you go. My life, my art is not where I’d prefer it to be.

Today yoga was a lot of balancing poses. The class hit all of my principles. A little of this a little of that, in perfect harmony, with movement and contrast.

Sometimes a day will provide all of my principle boxes to be checked, but very often there are missing peices to my perfect puzzle. After reading The Untethered Soul, I’m trying to float my conscious back to the place of observer. Rather than trying to fix what’s off, I’m attempting to relax around any discomfort and let it go. I hope I’m correct in the understanding that as I do this, things will move and flow with more ease.

Im caught between letting go and still caring enough to feel bad. So I know I’m not really doing it, but I am observing myself not doing it, if that’s progress.

The one thing I might say is that as much as I practice and try and change my up habits, life continues to challenge and baffle me.

I once told someone many years ago, that I never live up to my own standards. (awkward suggestions followed, I tried to explain that it wasn’t a bad thing…)

I can and do improve, I’ve accepted my limitations, but what can I say? If I could, I would choose to be much more brilliant. I’d choose to be a much better designed me. As an artist, I want to create better art, always, so I guess I don’t see this as problematic.

Laundry

Switching from summer clothes to sweaters and cool weather clothes.

Why?

Just dragging out summer as long as I can. This little town is a summery place even with it’s New England vibe. No one is excited about putting their boat away for the season. I want another ride in mine.

Hopefully tomorrow…

What if there was only one question? Do I want to be happy?

That’s where I’m at in the book (“the untethered soul”) right now.

What if I choose to live by this choice no matter what? No matter what happens. No matter how my day plays out? No matter who or what I encounter. No matter what energy or mood I’m surrounded by. No matter WHAT, I decide to be happy. How do I do that?!

The answer is both simple and complicated. Here’s my take-away :

Relax. I have to learn to relax through disturbances. Be an observer of the me that has the feelings, the happening, the circumstances. Know that it’s a temporary disturbance. If I relax through it it will disapate faster. If I hold on, ruminate, go on about it, (the author calls that clinging), it will stay longer, and cause me and maybe others suffering.

Oh suffering…

This reminds me of giving birth. I learned this concept in a strange but strong way, I just never applied it toward emotional pain.

My first time through giving birth, I was young and afraid. I got to my threshold of pain and cried ‘uncle’! As in give me ANYTHING to stop this PAIN! I tightened, I braced. It got worse. It already was getting worse, and I was becoming more and more terrified.

Doctors and nurses took forever to discuss and prepare (or so it seemed). Somehow I remembered being told to relax my muscles into the pain. This took every bit of my concentration. By the time a needle was in my arm, my baby was born. What I learned in that little stretch of time, was that if I could relax my body, (this took extreme concentration), and hold on, the end of the pain was coming. So when that moment came in later births, I knew. With each birth I got a little better at relaxing into intense pain, knowing it was going to pass. With or without the medication.

Who could predict this was a life lesson that I would be thinking about all these years later? It applies though. I tell myself every time things feel dyer that it will pass. That it’s passing. That it’s almost over. It just never occurred to me to relax. Sometimes I ruminate, but I know it isn’t helping, I know that trying to convince anyone of my side, is not going to help. I try to distract myself. I have learned this part well, but it’s hard to remember lessons in the middle of intense disturbances.

I do still cause myself, and probably others to suffer. Certainly not purposely.

I think I behave like an ant when my hill is knocked over, running around doing anything, anything to make whatever it is, stop. (even as it doesn’t seem to work)

What about relaxing into it? I’m fascinated that this never occurred to me until now.

Relax. Hmmm, interesting suggestion. I learned in labor that fighting and bracing against the pain getting worse, did not help, that for me, it actually made it worse. Works the same way with any pain? Really? I have a strong will and the super power of overriding my thoughts, (you train for and run enough marathons and you get to know this about yourself). Birth for me became a very mental situation. This was a gift not everyone experiences. We all have different gifts, but I think the real gift for me is the metaphor.

For a generally happy person, I’ve weathered some tough things in life. I’m always thankful for any insight about how to manage better.

I’ve been around long enough to know that Happy is not simple, given the choice, it’s my preference. Still, I fully respect not choosing it, because some days it doesn’t feel like an option at all.

What would I try if I was certain that I would succeed at it?

I changed the words of the prompt.

I’d be open to try a lot of things. Success aside, I think I kind of am anyway.

What if we took success out of the equation. What about just trying to try ?

A headstand? Who cares if I am successful at a headstand?

Can you tell that I’m hung up on the part that motivates us to try or not try do anything because of success or fear of failure?

If I had only done the things I’m good at and knew I’d be successful at, my life would be pretty void of many of my best things. In fact I failed at most of the coolest things I tried. This is a pretty weird realization.

Do I have regrets? Maybe but mostly, I don’t.

I would love to be successful, I do enjoy success, who doesn’t?

But would I trade a life of only success at things I know I can succeed at, for the one I’ve had? Weirdly, I would not.

I’m not sure what that means. I also wonder about adding the word yet.

You never know. Sometimes you spend time toiling away, before you meet with success. How do any of us know that success isn’t around the corner. Or that under a different definition, you already have been?

On this day, so many years ago, a man walked onto the elementary school campus where I was teaching. It was lunchtime for first, second and third grade. I had a break between classes and was checking out some temporary partition walls for an outdoor art show the following day. I was alone in the media center when our principal ran by saying to shut the door, we were locking down, there was shooting.

I heard it, but we had construction going on for months, so it didnt register as something other than a nail gun. I left the media center after a few moments of silence when I saw the second grade teachers run past. They were off campus and managed to get back on before the police had a chance to stop them. We all ended up in the office. The majority of kids ended up in one classroom. Two children were airlifted to a local hospital. Parents stood helplessly waiting in a park across from the school.

That moment turned into hours of lockdown, then months and years of PTSD.

For our whole community.

I think all these years later, the thing that sticks with me is the fact that the experience affected so many people for so long. The aftermath of what happened AFTER is one thing you hardly hear about.

We were wrecked. Everything changed. Nothing ever went back to the innocence of before. And no one wanted to talk about it.

Rarely do you hear about a community several months afterward. We had therapy dogs on campus for the rest of the year. Parents stayed with their kids for weeks on campus, unable to leave them. Some teachers were edgy and fearful and suddenly angry all the time. Eight foot fences went up. Rules changed. Our beautiful open school, became its own fortress. No more riding bikes or playing basketball on weekends. It was forever locked.

Life changed. We changed. Since that day hundreds, probably thousands of schools have also had shootings. I wish this one thing could completely stop.

Yesterday was a perfect weather day. Warm, not too warm, Sunny, a little breezy, not windy. Blue sky. Picture a perfectly beautiful, Halmark movie set day.

Today right on cue, is gray and raining. Lightning, followed directly by thunder. It’s honestly looking like movie set rain pelting the road and windows.

Things like taking out the trash, morning commutes, outdoor plans (like raking leaves) are affected.

My chance to practice some of the ideas I’m reading about in The Untethered Soul are all around me. The news is blasting stories of hurucanrs, wars, shootings and more weather. Concern is amping up in many directions.

So here I go.

Letting go. Letting go of everything that might be affecting me personally. I confess the rain doesn’t affect me the same as everyone. I like some rainy days. I enjoy the coziness and drama, but what DOES affect me are the moods of others.

That’s my thing to let go of.

I wrote Peaceful Hearts about this very thing. I love that I am revisiting this concept so many years later. Watch and feel the feelings come up. Let them come all the way up, breathe through them, don’t get lost in any thinking about the feelings, and then let them go. If I don’t get involved in my thoughts about the feelings, they will be easier to allow and let go of? I know this. I’ve done this, but, what a great reminder.

It’s as if I’m living a life that sets me up to practice every day. Oh wait, not as if, maybe this is the point? Of life? To keep our energy flowing dispite disturbances? Hmmm

Probably partly anyway. I’m doing my best to not block or close off my own joy.

Some days it feels impossible. Other days it works easily. I can never predict.

Some days, man.

Can that many things go awry in less than a single hour? I probably needed coffee.

Was this a test?

Oh I know

I’m being dramatic.

I’m reading a book about inner energy and maybe cosmicly cued. Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Just little things. Nothing major.

I read this:

If you want to feel your own inner energy, then you have to stay open. No matter what happens.

Closing to and because of, various kinds of things is a habit. One that we can actually learn to change.

Oh

I kind of know this, but I also know it’s pretty hard at times to even know there’s a choice to be made.

I used to argue for my limitation around this a lot. How am I supposed to choose in the middle of my knee jerking reaction?!

Well, armed with this freshly imparted knowledge from reading ‘Untethered’ I let the little glitchy morning details go. I listened to some music and moved on. We went to get some delicious sounding bread, only when we saw it, it was too many days old, so we bought apples and a cute squash that looks like a pumpkin.

My day meandered in and out of good and not so good.

We put the motor back on my boat and after a good long idle, went for a spin. This ended with stalling and G having to row back.

It wasn’t over though.

Second try, something about water in the gas feeder tube thing, maybe. When that was eliminated, all went fine.

She’s back and what a great boating day it turned out to be!

I’m calling today a success because I didn’t let one single thing get to me enough to squeeze shut my inner energy circuits. Not one.