When I was a kid everything made me nervous. I worried. I feared. I worried about everyone and everything. My little daredevil brother. Oh man. If it was dangerous, he tried it, if he could get into trouble, he’d do it anyway. Me? I would get nervous.
Grown up people in costumes always made me nervous, especially if there was excessive make up involved. One time, Seseame Street did a thing for my kindergarten class. I was completely freaked out by Big Bird. I think my mom had to come get me. Overly made up people…yikes! (the Big Bird costume had a hole cut for a face which was painted yellow and not fooling anyone. The two faced big yellow bird was unnerving for four year old me.
Getting lost. I was born with no natural sense of direction. GPS changed my life. I still feel grateful for it every day.
Shopping, public speaking, tests, grades, teachers, authority figures, obvious untruths, wierd energy. That one still freaks me out. I can still lose sleep over weird energy…
I had no idea that I was so anxiety ridden as a child, but now I can see plainly why I’m all about breathwork and why. I think kids could benefit from it. I could have for sure!
I want to paint. I have this idea to go by the fabric store that I keep driving past to see if they sell canvas at a decent price. Or maybe I’ll go get one of those four packs of stretched 16×20 canvases they always have on sale at Michael’s. Somehow, this is taking over my thoughts. How can I find a way to do this? If I justify the whole thing by thinking I need to for filming on Instagram, well, still thinking…Maybe I’ll check out getting a YouTube.channel. If this kind of justification continues, I’ll be painting in no time.
I need to keep posting a reel every day for 40 days. Since I want to make it fun, painting will help. Plus I’ll learn about filming in the process…
See? I’m practically painting right now…I won’t go into any of the logistics or obstacles because I’m not in the mood to thwart my ideas…
It’s been a few days of trying to gather all the pieces of the demolished dock. Dig some out of the sand, float them back to the property. The neighbors dock made it through winter storms because of it’s deeply set poles.
The dock guy knew how to detach and maneuver all the parts. Today it was just G and I at high tide pushing and pulling the wet heavy wood up onto what was left of the beach.
Later when the rain stops we will be spreading mulch on the flower beds and adding mushroom fertilizer to the garden soil.
Also we might get to pull a shrub out using the jeep wench thing. I’m a little excited about this. The woody plant will leave a nice space for the lilac bush we bought for Gs mom the other day. I’ve never seen the wrench thing in action or helped pull out a shrub.
I’ve only been in New England for three days and already a chainsaw has been nessisary twice. I don’t know why, but this stuff feels a little fun.
A walk. Yesterday was one. It was pretty cool as the sun was settling, a walk with the pink and orange back drop was perfect. Sitting all day in a hospital can be draining…relief that all is well in the end and the worst thing is that the Red Sox lost to Cleveland.
How? Well. I’m trying to learn how to use it. I appreciate all the promises I hear, that of if I just do this one thing or this other one thing, it will all come together perfectly. Hashtags, algorithms, templates etc…
Part of me thinks I will never fully understand any of it. Actually I’ve accepted this. I don’t fully understand the art world either, but here I am. Now art and social media have invented a new world which I admit is inspiring and fascinating, but at the same time, puzzling.
I have a clear goal, though I diverge and digress regularly, (my ADD perhaps?). I like to think my goal is still evolving. Ultimately, I want to get the message of my books out to the people who can use it. Breathe. Regulate. Live well.
As I find ways to appreciate and find joy in my not always ideal life, I hope others get the feeling that its possible. Life is a wild card. It delivers what it does, but luckily each of us has an inner guidance system that we can learn to depend on. I don’t not believe in trying to influence our environments, I just like knowing that if everything falls to pieces, we have ourselves. We have our own backs. We can breathe and let things settle, before deciding and acting. If we can find a bit of peace in our own heads, we can forge on with a lighter step, To me this can make all the difference. Bringing a calm, collected self to any situation will only improve it. We’ve all seen the opposite.
I hope I can ‘use’ social media to bring that message to everyone who needs to hear it. I can always use the reminder myself, so I guess I’m using social media to help me as well…
We are back and Spring is here. It’s a little cold, there was still frost on the grass this morning, but the day is sunny and beautiful. We are shopping for flowers. G and I are both artists. He loves to garden. I might, I’m about to find out. I know I love looking for plants! We both have an eye for landscaping and enjoy a big show of color.
Even as we drive, with leaves only starting to emerge on the trees, flowering bushes are everywhere! It a bonanza of color. You hear about the leaves in the New England Fall, but rarely do you hear about Springtime.
Its so beautiful. It’s a bit chilly, there’s some wind, but the sun is warm. There are patches of flowers everywhere! Blossoms on fruit trees, Pink flowering trees, that I don’t know the names of. Purple, yellow, pink bushes, do they even have leaves?
We filled the back of the jeep with tulips and pansies and a lilac bush. We hunted down the best prices in colors we could agree on. Our first big chore is to help with yard work. Planting and weeding and fertilizing. Between flowers and potential vegetables we are excited.
Blue skies, blue water around every bend, and green green grass. Planting season is about to start and from here, it looks like fun!
Last time we arrived just as summer was ending. The weather was warm. It rained, but there were plenty of sunny days left for us to enjoy. Fall didn’t disappoint. Beautiful displays of color, everywhere. Even with a record rainy month or two, we had some fun adventures. We also knew our usefulness in the overall situation.
Last time we arrived we didn’t know what to expect. I really didn’t, but we knew our help was needed.
Last time we arrived, I felt a little lost for a while. I wasn’t sure where I fit. I was an extreme newbie to the area and truly couldn’t wrap my head around a lot of the cultural mindset. Why were we watching the Red Sox lose night after night? We did all hear as they went from second to last to last place? Still we had to sit on the couch and watch every game to the end. There was disappointment each time they lost. I did know a little about Boston sports, but I guess not enough
The emphasis on work was another thing. It took me some time to figure out that it did not matter what you did or the speed of job completion, what mattered was staying busy. I think to win the game of life you just drag out all work so that there is no free time during daylight hours. morally this is the most correct. Free time should not exist during the day. Free time is for watching sports. After five o clock or possibly after landscaping chores are finished on a weekend. Work should not be enjoyed. That’s another thing. For it to count as work, you shouldn’t like it or try to be terribly efficient at it. I was the kid who hurried through everything so I could go play, no wonder this frustrated my parents
I had to learn that discussing worst case scenarios is common conversation. Solving is not the objective. Never offer hopeful suggestions. I have a feeling it might be rude. No one is looking for a problem solver. If you think of a solution, keep it to yourself, trust me,
Status quo. This goes along with the above mentioned. Change is not a welcome thing. Life can be lived as if no time has passed since 1972. A few things may throw wrenches into this practice, but for the most part, it’s preferable. Many things will not make sense even keeping that in mind, but it was good to remember as I navigated things like style and procedures.
Ah proceedure. I didn’t get too far in my understanding on this subject. Proccedures are a thing. People know them. I figured out that in order to learn you have to pay close attention. Proceedure is not explained, it seems both perplexing and ridiculous to the New Englander, to be asked about any of the many tasks I watched being carried out. Also, inconveniently, there is a correct way to do everything and anything short of that is wrong, and subject to ridicule. In the form of taunting, like grade school. I know.
Laughter and lightness. This will only be tolerated on sunny days and or after five, The bar scene can support a small measure of it, but don’t get carried away. Yoga people, some of them, can handle it, Quiet sarcasm is a good bet, you can laugh if it’s directed at you. Crying is not permitted. Be careful. If it’s not expected (from me), it might come off as serious. Feelings, though better not acknowledged, might get hurt. Off color humor? Best to go case by case with this one.
I have a small working understanding of how to exist in New England. It does fly in the face of most of my CA mindset. It’s no wonder they are suspicious of Californians. I’m no longer offended by this. We have altogether too much fun. Life is too light and way too fast. I appreciate the slower pace. I understand the seriousness of things. I get how weather and losing sports teams can really bring you down. When sunshine is in short supply, you appreciate it more and try not to waste a moment of it. I like how quality is important and good old fashioned pride plays out in the business world. Services and restaurants reflect this in a very good way.
When we arrived this time, Gs mom had fallen within two hours of our arrival. She wanted us to go directly to the house to check on her husband. He was extremely concerned. The neighbor brought her home from the ER before we even sat down. She was bruised but nothing broken. Much relief for all of us.
As the days continue we’ve had small and big tasks to help out with. I’m better at knowing what is and isn’t expected of me. Yard work has been fun so far. The area has only advanced in its charmingness. The excitement of Spring is contagious around here, which is fun. I mean, well, I think it’s fun. Much new work is on the horizon, so I’ll try not to get excited…Apparently I enjoyed cutting the lawn a little too much last year…
Plus, I decided to do something that I want to do. I started a new painting. It’s rough. It’s on a piece of wood I found in the attic, I found my paints, I set up my tripod, Im feeling inspired. This one thing changes everything for me.
Describe a random encounter with a stranger that stuck out positively to you.
I’m pretty sure something will come to mind.
I can think of a handful of funny, or wacky, but positive? Hmmm
They had these empty shelves…
Ok. When I was in Kenya the first time, I met a handful or young teenagers. It seemed that that age group was the most interested in me painting the giant mural. We were only there for a week. One of the girls I will always remember. She asked me about my family, my parents. I told her they had passed. She said, in the most compassionate way I’ve ever heard, “Oh you are an orphan like me.” My parents were older, and I didn’t think of myself as an orphan, but I saw how this had bonded her to me. She would often come over and take my hand and smile at me.
When it was time for us to leave, I asked her what she might want from America if I could send something back. She didn’t hesitate. “A book.”
A book.
I mentioned this to one of the retired teachers I was traveling with. She mentioned it to the other retired teacher. We had all been told in different ways that books were in short supply and that it was a universal want.
Before coming back, a book drive was organized by these two teachers. I shopped myself for books with strong women characters. That one young girl inspired a huge outpouring of giving. We brought enough books for two schools to have libraries and for every child to own their own book. Who doesn’t want to donate books to children? I never saw my young friend again.
My second trip was two years later. I searched and asked, but no one knew Shw was probably married was what I was told.
A random stranger who became my friend for a week, she doesn’t even know that she inspired two libraries, several very moving encounters over owning books and the kindest of literary generosity . I will never forget her.
I loved Margi. She was a talented artist with the right amount of confidence. She knew where she stood on every issue and she easily stood her ground if you didn’t agree. I met her years ago when we had studio spaces next to each other. The spaces were part of a building that had a little theatre. The theater company owned the building, and rented to us. We became the intermission entertainment. Eight or ten of us bonded. We were like family for years. For some of us it was our first art friend circle outside of college.
Margi, Crystal, Trish, Bill, Michael, Phylis, Laura, and Marsha. That was our core group, artists came and left, but our group was golden. Or so we thought. Slowly, over time, we all mostly drifted off and were replaced. Recently, the theatre was renovated, Margi was one of the last of the originals. The new building did not include spaces for artists studios, sadly.
Seeing all the artists from that time and later was sweet. Everyone associated with art hung out in one spot whether they knew each other or not A few strangler musicians joined as well. It made me think about artists hanging out on their mother ship, which artists don’t always do, but we should. A group of artists is funny. Used to being the one weird one in the crowd, it’s good to mingle and have someone genuinely interested in whatever unusual brush stroke or drawing technique you care about. It’s nice and only a little weird.
Margi wanted her ashes spread where wild horses run free. Hence my latest obsession with where wild horses are. I love this one detail so much
That was Margi, but it could be me or Crystal or any of us. We were all wild when we were turned loose inside our studio space.and maybe not so much during the other hours of the day. We sure did have some good laughs!
I woke up in the night after the memorial with the song by The Rolling Stones in my head. Just the one lyric over and over.
I thought about Margi and the little girl in first grade who wouldn’t stop coloring and myself and all the artists who I know and knew and love. All very different, but the one thing that we had in common was that. Wild horses couldn’t drag us away. Art for some of us is simply that big.
Margi is and will be missed. She was a force in the art world, truly in all of our worlds. She knew exactly how to be an artist. Among many other things, I always loved that about her.
Our travel days are long but short. Someone said to me when I had little kids that ‘the days are long but the years are short’ which in hindsight I totally see. This stretch of time is a sped up version of that. Sort of. Maybe not, but it’s how it feels because both of us are doing our best to play down our anxiety about returning to the adorable East coast town where we are heading, which makes the time go by annoyingly fast…
Stalling as much as we can, while knowing we are needed back there, so taking a direct route, but, it’s like that. Meanwhile enjoying the changing landscape and small towns we pass one after another. We’ve also looked for the healthiest most interesting places to stop and eat and stay. This has been more miss than hit, but that’s travel. We both appreciate the adventure of unknowns.
Cool old building
We have crisscrossed the county a few times, so it’s fun to take different routes, stay in places we’ve never heard of, see some of the country we haven’t already seen before.
Every so often we get a text from Gs mom, which triggers one or both of us to have a small panic attack, but generally we are chill. At least on the surface.
I watched an episode of a dog training show. They were working with a pet owner who was very calm and chill even though his dog was one everyone on the show was especially cautious around. He nearly bit several times. The dog they explained was protecting the owner and was anxious and vigilant about doing so. Somehow the dog sensed the guy’s fear under his facade of calm. ( I think animals are so interesting in how they cut through and know stuff )
The owner explained that he had been bitten pretty badly once, but being the man in the family had to give the sense that everything was ok. It was pointed out that sometimes we need to calmly assert ourselves. We need to calmly take charge when things are not right, especially in safety situations, and lead with calm confidence. My daughter was just talking about something like this with parenting. I have a little nagging feeling that this might be what is coming up next for me.
I have a not well defined role in this coming up scenario, so there’s no telling how any of this will go for me. My goal is to stay appreciative and busy and to honor my own preferences. Even when challenging, because erasing who I am can’t be an option.
Meanwhile, we are nearly through Columbus, Ohio, heading for Somerset, PA where I’m hoping to see something Amish. A farm maybe…
Peace Kit 