I wish I had gone to grad school. Of course it was art. No one would have thought an advanced degree in art would have served any purpose whatsoever, at least not in my family, (my patents and then husband). They may have been right, but I would have loved it! I loved all my art classes, the more advanced the better. I later took a few fiber arts classes after I had kids, but only because I was friends with the professors, I had no plan to keep going with school, I was busy with three little kids and a baby. I was also in an archaic marriage that didn’t support women doing anything outside of domestic chores and certainly not anything outside the home. My husband rarely ‘babysat’ for our own kids! It wasn’t his thing.

It was really a wonder that I did the things I did. Looking back, I marvel at everything I pulled off with four kids in tow. I stopped doing too much with painting, and one time, clay and a learning-to-walk baby, taught me that I needed a less messy medium. Fiber was the answer. I quickly taught myself to spin and weave and knit. I made inlay felt ‘paintings’. Dyes were my favorite. I had fun, my kids learned all those things as well. All my kids can knit and sew. So can my grand kids even though I’ve long since gone back to paint.

Oh to have taken some graduate school level painting classes! How different would my life be today if I had taken my art more seriously? In a different mindset, I might have gone all the way and gotten a doctorate. In art. I would love telling that story. Who knew I would be pushing at practicality anyway for my whole life.

A lot of things.

Not as many things as there used to be.

When I was a kid everything made me nervous. I worried. I feared. I worried about everyone and everything. My little daredevil brother. Oh man. If it was dangerous, he tried it, if he could get into trouble, he’d do it anyway. Me? I would get nervous.

Grown up people in costumes always made me nervous, especially if there was excessive make up involved. One time, Seseame Street did a thing for my kindergarten class. I was completely freaked out by Big Bird. I think my mom had to come get me. Overly made up people…yikes! (the Big Bird costume had a hole cut for a face which was painted yellow and not fooling anyone. The two faced big yellow bird was unnerving for four year old me.

Getting lost. I was born with no natural sense of direction. GPS changed my life. I still feel grateful for it every day.

Shopping, public speaking, tests, grades, teachers, authority figures, obvious untruths, wierd energy. That one still freaks me out. I can still lose sleep over weird energy…

I had no idea that I was so anxiety ridden as a child, but now I can see plainly why I’m all about breathwork and why. I think kids could benefit from it. I could have for sure!

A walk. Yesterday was one. It was pretty cool as the sun was settling, a walk with the pink and orange back drop was perfect. Sitting all day in a hospital can be draining…relief that all is well in the end and the worst thing is that the Red Sox lost to Cleveland.

How? Well. I’m trying to learn how to use it. I appreciate all the promises I hear, that of if I just do this one thing or this other one thing, it will all come together perfectly. Hashtags, algorithms, templates etc…

Part of me thinks I will never fully understand any of it. Actually I’ve accepted this. I don’t fully understand the art world either, but here I am. Now art and social media have invented a new world which I admit is inspiring and fascinating, but at the same time, puzzling.

I have a clear goal, though I diverge and digress regularly, (my ADD perhaps?). I like to think my goal is still evolving. Ultimately, I want to get the message of my books out to the people who can use it. Breathe. Regulate. Live well.

As I find ways to appreciate and find joy in my not always ideal life, I hope others get the feeling that its possible. Life is a wild card. It delivers what it does, but luckily each of us has an inner guidance system that we can learn to depend on. I don’t not believe in trying to influence our environments, I just like knowing that if everything falls to pieces, we have ourselves. We have our own backs. We can breathe and let things settle, before deciding and acting. If we can find a bit of peace in our own heads, we can forge on with a lighter step, To me this can make all the difference. Bringing a calm, collected self to any situation will only improve it. We’ve all seen the opposite.

I hope I can ‘use’ social media to bring that message to everyone who needs to hear it. I can always use the reminder myself, so I guess I’m using social media to help me as well…

Flowers!

We are back and Spring is here. It’s a little cold, there was still frost on the grass this morning, but the day is sunny and beautiful. We are shopping for flowers. G and I are both artists. He loves to garden. I might, I’m about to find out. I know I love looking for plants! We both have an eye for landscaping and enjoy a big show of color.

Even as we drive, with leaves only starting to emerge on the trees, flowering bushes are everywhere! It a bonanza of color. You hear about the leaves in the New England Fall, but rarely do you hear about Springtime.

Its so beautiful. It’s a bit chilly, there’s some wind, but the sun is warm. There are patches of flowers everywhere! Blossoms on fruit trees, Pink flowering trees, that I don’t know the names of. Purple, yellow, pink bushes, do they even have leaves?

We filled the back of the jeep with tulips and pansies and a lilac bush. We hunted down the best prices in colors we could agree on. Our first big chore is to help with yard work. Planting and weeding and fertilizing. Between flowers and potential vegetables we are excited.

Blue skies, blue water around every bend, and green green grass. Planting season is about to start and from here, it looks like fun!

I’m pretty sure something will come to mind.

I can think of a handful of funny, or wacky, but positive? Hmmm

Ok. When I was in Kenya the first time, I met a handful or young teenagers. It seemed that that age group was the most interested in me painting the giant mural. We were only there for a week. One of the girls I will always remember. She asked me about my family, my parents. I told her they had passed. She said, in the most compassionate way I’ve ever heard, “Oh you are an orphan like me.” My parents were older, and I didn’t think of myself as an orphan, but I saw how this had bonded her to me. She would often come over and take my hand and smile at me.

When it was time for us to leave, I asked her what she might want from America if I could send something back. She didn’t hesitate. “A book.”

A book.

I mentioned this to one of the retired teachers I was traveling with. She mentioned it to the other retired teacher. We had all been told in different ways that books were in short supply and that it was a universal want.

Before coming back, a book drive was organized by these two teachers. I shopped myself for books with strong women characters. That one young girl inspired a huge outpouring of giving. We brought enough books for two schools to have libraries and for every child to own their own book. Who doesn’t want to donate books to children? I never saw my young friend again.

My second trip was two years later. I searched and asked, but no one knew Shw was probably married was what I was told.

A random stranger who became my friend for a week, she doesn’t even know that she inspired two libraries, several very moving encounters over owning books and the kindest of literary generosity . I will never forget her.