Equinox

Spring Equinix. It’s here.

Since the first of January I have had the privilege of hanging out and wintering in CA. Seeing my friends and family, walking the beach, working on my books. It’s been a dream that keeps on going. I have been here throughout all the things I hoped to be a part of including celebrating Equinox with my friends.

Tonight is the actual moment when day is exactly as long as the night. Cultures have been celebrating this yearly time of new birth for centuries. We humans love the beginning of warmer days, of melted snow and green. Why not celebrate the first flowers of the season? In California, springtime is warm enough to sit around a pool or lie on the sand of a beach and so we have. I’m even a little sunburned from outr days on the beach and at the pool. Celebrating the sun and everything Spring has been wonderful.

Spring has always been a good time for me to start new things. Or begin again the things I’ve fallen out of habit with. I like to reset intentions., get back on track, summer is coming and I want be ready. I might even like the process of getting ready.

Post note:

I’m not sure how I missed posting this, but I did. Life moves pretty fast. This past week has been windy and plans have changed and then changed again. My little life feels like it’s caught up in the wind, blowing this way and that. Some days it feels like a hurricane, other days a gentle Spring breeze. One thing I know, is that I will never forget this particular time. There’s a significance I feel around all of it.

Cheers to the Nos

How often do you say “no” to things that would interfere with your goals?

My most important goal is to keep my energy as, light and flowing as possible. This sounds esoteric and somewhat comical when I read it back but let me try to explain…

In order for me to show up and move forward in life, in order to be effective and loving, kind and responsible, respectful and confident, calm and regulated enough to be goal oriented, I know I need to take care of my own personal energy. I know this better than I know anything. I absolutely must take charge of this first.

Circumstances don”t determine who or how I want to show up as in my life. Ideal events come and go. Life is fun and then it’s not and then it is and then not. Whenever I let things effect me, usually not intentionally, but when I don’t put my hand up and say no, I lose my way.

Getting lost in emotional reactions to situations can and has sidelined me. I’m an artist, I’m unfortunately or fortunately an emotional rainbow. I feel deeply, I can’t help that, but I can and am constantly learning how to check myself. This is important.

Saying no has not been my favorite. I prefer yeses. Lately what I’m learning, is that I must say no in order to regulate at times. No to certain thoughts, or conversations. No to certain foods or activities. No to too much sitting, no to ruminating on subjects. No to prolonged involvement in any negativity. I say at times because if I’m feeling intuitive, these aren’t absolute nos, I can absorb some negativity, I can have a hard conversation, I can eat a donut, I just need to balance myself out. Just knowing I have some power to affect my own energy feels good to me.

There was a time when I thought it was the circumstances that I was supposed to change or fix. I thought I had to make the situation better, change something external in order to feel better. It does look like that, so no wonder, but what I’ve learned is that it comes down to me. I can have light upbeat energy no matter what is going on outside of myself. I can take an emotional hit and shake it off. I can balance and regulate. I’m not, it turns out, at the mercy of anything. This gives saying no a new twist. Energically, it makes good sense. Cheers to me saying ‘No’ more often.

Update

Final mock-up!

Another unpredictable day. I have so many of these lately you would think I’d be used to them by now.

It took some time for me to glue the printed pages to the cut and folded poster board, but once it was together my book pages turned smoothly and looked okay. I had a walk planned with my friend who still teaches at the school I was an art teacher at. We met there and I was able to make some cuts with the school cutter. I wanted to show her my book mock-up because she’s taught every grade level and I value her opinion. Meeting at the school was fun. I ran into more teachers who I had worked with and love.

My other hope was to be able to read to a class. We are leaving soon and I was starting to wonder if I would run out of time or if anyone would be interested.

My friend sent out a group text and everyone responded right away with a resounding yes, please come to my class! Now there was the matter of when we would be leaving. Spring break is next week. Two more weeks seemed impossible only hours before, but when I talked to G two things had happened, three actually, and the opportunity to stay a bit longer opened up yet again.

These small miracles pull me forward. The enthusiasm from my teacher friends, the new developments that keep showing up randomly. They seem like little nods from the universe, little moments of doors opening, and flow swooping in.

Counting Down

My days are numbered. I have so much I still want to do. I guess that’s the way it goes sometimes. I’m taking some deep breaths and figuring out my priorities.

My mock-up copy of Beatrix was a big hold up and in the end I needed some real miracles as well as some extra work and money to get it done. And still, it’s not done well, but at least I can see it, turn the pages, check the spreads and the spelling. It’s fine. It does what ai need it to do.

Today has been a day of choices and work and phone calls and dashed hopes, with a few good things thrown in. A typical day I guess, but not all the way fun. It’s not over. I still need to exercise. (I usually do that in the morning).

How do I rally some good energy? This process has me practicing my regulating skills all the time. Hopefully that’s a good thing. I nearly gave up around 2:00 pm today, but here I still am. Tomorrow I’ll meet with my teacher friends. Tomorrow is another full day.

Teachers with a Super Power

Who was your most influential teacher? Why?

I have two that changed everything for me. Mrs. Bailey, sixth grade and Mr. Harcha, 7,8,and 9.

Mrs Bailey was the first person in my life up to that pointt who saw me as smart. Every year from kindergarten on, they wanted to hold me back. I was a day dreamer. I didn’t memorize anything if I didn’t see a point. I was dyslexic and had the girl version of ADD. All not diagnosed until I was in my 30’s, so I came off as dumb. Mrs. Bailey let me design all of her bulletin boards. She gave me kid friendly classic literature which I devoured. She was loved and adored by everyone and won teacher of the year my year, but I knew she loved ME. My grades shot up. I learned how to memorize and take tests. I even got an award in math. Mrs. Bailey worked a miracle on me, and I will never forget her.

Mr. Harcha saw me as a serious artist. He understood my need to spend extra time on projects, or approach them differently. He gave me opportunities I didn’t even know existed. I painted my first mural in the school halls. It was the biggest and the only single artist designed and executed. He got one of my paintings into a nationwide traveling art show. He taught me all the technical drawing I needed to learn and know in collage. I credit him for my college grades in art because he was so good, I was reviewing more then learning. Without his influence, I would not have known how important art was.

Both these teachers showed me sides of myself I didn’t know. After Mrs. Bailey, my grades were great.. I got A’s. No one expected me to get into the collage I got into. I was the first in my family to even go. My experience with Mr. Harcha gave me the courage to switch my major to art, as impractical as it seemed back then. Art was me.

I credit both these teachers with giving me the idea to follow my inner guidence. I didn’t know much about that when I was young, but every time I did things my way, I knew it was right. They both encouraged me to trust my instinct, to love what I loved. They showed me that I could succeed and that one thing changed everything.

Kind

I didn’t want to notice. I started worrying about other unrelated things so I didn’t have to. Finally days later, I can admit that I was a little afraid.

I haven’t stood in front of a class of school children in years. Over the summers, I would always develop some amount of stage fright, but after a day back, I was fine. Long years have passed, what if everything has changed too much, what if I choke?

That was the thing I wanted to avoid noticing. Fear. Ugh. Who wants to let fear get the best of them? Not me. Here’s how that resolved itself.

I made an art lesson to go with my book. A simple neurograghic inspired butterfly. I got a little excited about it. Then my pages were printed and glued. My book looked like a book. My teacher friends got excited about me coming into their classes. They loved my book. A whole bunch of enthusiastic suggestions rolled in. People to talk to, places to share it, even the idea of bringing some of original painted illustrations for the kids to see.

I became more excited than scared. I did not stop being kind to myself. I allowed my disconnect. I kept inching along even while afraid, distracted, and discouraged. I stayed kind to myself and open to whatever might come next.

It wasn’t easy. I nearly gave in. I thought about giving up. I thought maybe the non printing issues were a sign. Other things were going on. I suppose this is all part of how it goes. I’m glad now that things have shifted.