To each his own.

I personally hope that isn’t in the cards for me. I can’t wrap my head around being old and unable to move or do anything. Is it a quality of life argument or a personal preference? Plenty of people enjoy their old age and all their friends and family while sitting and being cared for. There is plenty of life in that.

I might have an issue with not being useful but even that is subject to opinion. People are useful or not useful whether they move about or not. Moving and being mentally with it, don’t really determine usefulness.

I practically had an existential crisis over this prompt. I have no desire to live to be 100. Zero. I do want to live fully right now. I do want as much quality as I can pack in. I’m learning that my idea of life quality is not everyone’s. I know my opinion of this could easily change, but for now, my thoughts are, I’d rather not get so old that I can’t add anything. So no to living very long, no to life support, DNR. when I’m done , I’m done.

I liked the different responses to this prompt.

I could approach this topic as a fix what’s broken or not working dive into my life or as some people have done, as a way to brainstorm about what things I want to just do in a different way. As in, I do many things differently than the norm, but what else is there to try some other approaches at?

I like the later. I do plenty of things ‘differently’. I was a fan of Pippi Longstocking because she embodied that. I’m always drawn to the unique and unusual, but at the same time I want things to make sense. I like when life and all its doings are efficient and simple. At least the practical things, like dishes and bed making, (and look nice , that’s important to me too).

I happen to like when things are different. I like the novel and unexpected. I may like the idea of routine, I just dont naturally fall into them. Anything I do regularly, has taken time and intent and strong focus to maintain. I dont know what I’m doing from one minute or hour to the next, some days and this doesn’t bother me. I have no grocery shopping day or laundry day, I can eat whenever. Answering questions like What is your plan ?” has been challenging at times, but I do have one, lately it has an unusual amount of flexibility built into it, because it has to.

My answer to what can be done differently is everything. Every single thing can be done in a different way. When I think about that, it makes me happy.

Probably something like: Take a breath or Just Breathe

Last time I visited my son we worked on my Beatrix butterfly breathing book. Ayla, who turned two during my visit was sitting on one of our laps the whole time as we were on our computers discussing, reformatting, fixing color etc. she and I did a little yoga in the mornings and she, without us directly teaching her picked up on the breathing.

Kids are little sponges, so we shouldn’t have been surprised, but we were. On day my son and I were editing the wording for the breathing exercise. She was across the room playing as we did the motions, her mom said look at Ayla. She was doing the motions, from across the room! Which was adorable of course, but who would think a two year old could consciously breathe?

She’s ours, so we are sure she’s advanced and of course smarter than average, so maybe it’s that, but all bragging aside, (or in front), this baby can breathe!

Wait, it gets better. While we’ve been here this time she’s has had a few moments. She was having a two year old moment of frustration at one point, trying to fit a toy together and her mom again said look at Ayla, she’s breathing, I wish I could remember to do that. Sure enough, this tiny two year old was closing her eyes and taking deep breaths! I kid you not! We saw her do a version of this a few other times.

Again, I am happily surprised by the power of concious breathing. It works to calm a frustrated two year old as well as a stressed out forty year old. All it is, is a moment of filling your lungs and emptying them while thinking about filling your lungs and emptying them. I love the simplicity of breathing while I also love it’s power. If a two year old can learn how to regulate herself while she’s in a disregulated state, what is the potential here?

Some billboards remind people to wear their seat belts, to not drink and drive, or not to text while driving. I get that breathing won’t solve complicated problems, Ive heard this and it’s true, but it’s not about solving, so much as soothing . It’s just one small thing anyone can do to help themselves through a moment. My billboard would remind us to take a concious breath. To Just breathe.

I do spend time reflecting. I enjoy watching history docs and reading people’s memoirs. I like back stories and often feel inspired by the stories of others who lived years or decades or centuries before me. I guess as I look for inspiration, I often find it in the past.

History, fashion, they do repeat themselves. Many cool trends are reinvented spins on trends from other eras. I love art from long ago. I like old movies. I love old music from many genres and years. Frank Sinatra, Janis Joplin, Tom Petty. I enjoy opera and classic literature. Art of all forms, has a rich and varied past.

At the same time, I like the concept of intentioning my personal future. I am one of those dreamer types who drive themselves (and maybe a few others) crazy with grand ideas.

I wonder why we didn’t get the option of an obvious third choice? I may struggle to focus my attention here, but this is where I spend my time. Now. The present. We all do. Whether I am reflecting or projecting I’m doing it in my now and I dearly want it to think about and give my attention to what is happening as it’s happening.

Which is comically so hard! Moments tick by quickly. Distractions keep multiplying. Life has sped up!

I wonder if I don’t have a clear answer. I guess I divide my time differently depending on the day. I aim to be present, which just means that I aim to pay attention and think and feel and be aware of what is happening now. And now and now. Luckily for me, there keeps being new chances to try for that.

While mining the past and feeling out my intentions for the future. I might as well know what I want, I might as well let that drive me. I might as well spend time thinking about all three because how else will I know?

Greatest yet to be given gift? I was recently given the advice that I need to pay more attention to what I want. In the sense that sometimes, I have no idea what I want or need. This means to figure out the GREATEST, MOST amazing gift anyone could ever give to me, feels like a tall order.

I have been surprised from birthday to Christmas with some pretty spectacular gifts this past year. What could top these?!

How long do I have to think about it? Who am I asking for this gift? Do I know them? Do they know me? How well? Or is this like a Santa gift? Like my greatest wish ever? I can’t decide. I definitely need more time.

I’ll circle back later…

I am playing every day lately. I have been hanging out with three adorable kids who have different ideas about what is fun.

They finally decided that they liked Monopoly. It took a few tries though, because none of them liked paying taxes or going to jail, or anytime their turns went badly. Getting all three to agree on anything is a big win. Monopoly was a hard sale. My son said it wasn’t designed for this generation. We had a few laughs, but then, guess what happened? They started begging to play, somehow all of them turned into deal making real estate moguls.

Tag and catch at the park. I’m getting ‘styled’ today by the girls. There is a doll house waiting to be set up. New markers to try out, a bat and a ball, a drone with a camera and a video to make. Thank goodness the grownups all have to work, I’m not sure how we will fit it all in…

Later…. Well, we did. Plus we made cookies, raced in teams to the park, played impromptu two on two baseball, walked the dog which turned into a game of ditching and spying and ended with more Monopoly and then more pretending with the doll house people. A full twelve hours of mostly uninterrupted playtime.

The best thing about kids is that they really just want to have fun. We probably all do, but kid energy seems to insist on it. They turn everything into a game and all they need is someone to play along. The more the merrier,when G joined after work and gave us all baseball nic-names they were delighted. Plus he could throw.

The day before I left New England, I went to a yoga class that included dance and music making. I had been avoiding this yoga line up since joining the studio, but a few people were talking about it and it was my last day before getting on a plane. It was also the last day of 2023. I decided to be a little brave…

I had fun. It was playful. I have been living in an ultra serious situation with a lot of chore doing and grownup conversations. I might want to bump some play into my schedule when I go back.

My challenges change. It seems like as soon as I figure one out, something else becomes a challenge. Is this just me?

My biggest challenge lately, is probably this trip. I am having some nice moments with the kids for sure, but oh my. Peace and easy going ness are being tested randomly and often! I am tired from lack of sleep and probably the time difference. Maybe I haven’t caught up from the epic night of travel delays.

I am living without knowing the plan from one day to the next. Everything is contingent on so many variables and people. Living moment to moment is what we are all doing, it’s just that I’m really feeling my lack of control in real time. Today I found out that the 6th was not a Sunday and that threw yet another monkey wrench into my already non plan plan.

Luckily, train tickets can be cancelled. No fees were incurred. Eating helps ground me. I do get to see my other son. Th e kids are fun, G is taking it all in stride. (I’m not winning any awards for my good attitude), yet I’m pretty sure it’s all going to work out perfectly and so far has. wheew!

If you could read my mind, you would be watching my thoughts bounce in every direction. When I’m lying in bed, I’m trying to list things I’m grateful for while fending off thoughts of worry and panic.

Is this anxiety? I don’t think so. When I traveled to Kenya, I was not in control of anything. I was with a group of twenty some people and someone else was in charge. Things did not always go smoothly, but I had no choice but to roll with it. There came a moment when I had a big choice to make which did segment me off, affecting everything. I made up my mind in a moment and it ( though stressful at times) turned out to be amazing. This is travel. This is life concentrated into quickly changing moments. This, I am reminding myself, is exciting. This is what being outside a rut feels like.

Who said ‘life is a daring adventure or nothing at all?‘ I can’t remember. I am not navigating a foreign country, there are no language barriers or unfamiliar roads. I am still navigating. I read somewhere that our brains can’t always tell the difference between excitement and fear. Sometimes you have to pick one and tell your brain that it’s that.

I am thankful for this exciting time! I am thankful to be witnessing my own bursts of regulation. I am thankful for the speed of change. I truly am thankful for these ever changing, fast paced moments. I am thankful for ALL of my people and each precious moment I get to spend with them. I’m thankful for the love that I feel steeped in. I am so thankful to be standing at the top of yet another full day that is sure to be filled with vast possibilities and who knows what kind of fun.

I have relationships with different people, places and things. Ideally I like to spend as much of my time with positive people doing positive things in uplifting places. This is easier some days than others, but generally I do my best to gravitate towards positivity, and flee when things get too negative.

Yoga, easy upbeat conversation, comfortable friendships, music, books and outings that inspire me are some things I like to be impacted by. There are many different kinds of positive activities for me to spend my time doing and positive people to do them with.

It’s interesting that despite my best efforts, I will still bump up against some big challenging moments. I just had a weirdly bad travel day. It was long and extremely uncomfortable. I’ll leave out the details because, we’ve all had at least one and know how they go. So much happening and not happening, and so many details. Then, there was some family drama I didn’t know about, but was suddenly getting snippets of, and felt. Finally, a big feeling of negativity crashed into my personal space when two women fanned the flames of a disagreement and some retaliation by one of them. They went on and on, rehashing details no one wanted to hear about. It was hard to stand clear. You could see and hear and feel it escalate. Even the kids were affected. Most of us were bystanders, it wasn’t a small group, I’m surprised how all encompassing the energy became.

Talk about wanting to flee, and not being able to. It was a little like being stuck on the airplane only instead of tired disgruntled strangers, we were an intimate group. Still the negativity crackled around us, me, and I am left wondering about trouble shooting because it’s pretty clear, I have not recovered.

How can I encourage a few of my positive relationships to crowd out and replace the residue of these encounters? I want to have a good day! I want lightness to replace heaviness. I’ve seen energy shift in a moment, I know it’s possible!

At the end of it all, I know that I am responsible for my own energy. Oh, I would like to blame these happenings for pushing me out of regulation, but I know so well, it’s not the happening as much as my reaction to what happened. It’s me not taking charge of my own thoughts and opinions. I know positive impact when I feel it, I know how to turn my attention in it’s direction even. I know I have to let the past be and look in the direction that I want to go.

I know these things, I’ve practiced these things. I guess I’m grateful for some more practice. This has been the beginning.

We played monopoly with the kids. They don’t remember playing when they were younger, so I found myself telling them that there are stages of this game. In the beginning you buy anything, you don’t try to save. In the middle you buy houses. Anything can happen and it did. They all ended up in jail trying to roll doubles. They all got discouraged and wanted to quit. There was a point where things shifted and houses started being able to be bought. I think monopoly might be more like life than I thought. Not in the money part as much in the momentum. Maybe trips too…