It’s been a whirlwind of a month and I have been busy every day with things I don’t usually do.
Today is the day after Labor Day. A fitting time to get a routine started. I loved my life in California, I miss all my family and friends terribly. I also miss the rhythm of my days there. I miss my house. I miss having a place for everything and knowing what’s next. I miss my old routine!
I guess I will have to create a new one. It will include yoga and walking and work that I love. There will be art, new friends, and a new home. Some of these things I will need to be patient for, but some I can start today.
I remember my mother creating new routines after all of our moves growing up. We made some big ones as a family but my mother would establish order quickly and with efficiency. Supper would be made in make shift kitchens as she found what she needed while unpacking boxes. School lunches were made and we were off to school, returning to a more put together home. My mother loved routine and confidently worked to establish it. She taught me to bathe my babies at the same time every day because babies respond well to routine. She told me that bath time was the biggest happening in an infant’s day in the beginning so they would organize themselves around it. I’m pretty sure I did as well.
I hope to follow her example and find all of what I need to get myself on a schedule of sorts. I will be designing and curating the best life I can, one daily activity at a time.
I’m still a stranger in a strange land. And quite between homes, missing mine and everything that used to be familiar, completely. Now I just have too many questions and I don’t understand most of the answers.
Aesthetically I’m lost. Function trumps form, (I’ve been reminded of this repeatedly, hence the questioning), yet the architecture here is so charming. Why the plastic white pvc? There is a reason but don’t ask me. I tend to lean way into form and usually struggle to be practical, but in my defense I prefer functional over decorative.
My ideal home is beautiful. It has high ceilings and spaciousness. It has a strong minimalist vibe with very carefully placed art and antiques. There are fresh cut hydrangeas and white roses, white enamel pitchers, old crates or old metal. There are plants.
The kitchen is open and welcoming. There are custom European inspired cabinets and open shelving. Antique and wooden bowls that are used and loved. Hand crafted plates and platters.There is an antique brass rail with S hooks to hang pots and utensils. Hand made tile for the back splash. A turned leg island with a bottom shelf. Nothing is trending or trendy. It’s all old world, French inspired with clean lines
The exterior is welcoming and pleasing to my eye. The porch is inviting and lovely. Landscaping is simple, tidy but abundant with flowers and foliage.
When anyone walks in they feel at home. Comfort is key. Luxurious throws and neutral colored soft woven pillows, simplicity and soft music (probably Frank Sinatra or Ella Fitzgerald) playing quietly in the back ground. Baking and roasting, only the most delicious smells. Essential oils, cleanliness.
A large studio, beautiful bedrooms for guests. Pure white simple cotton, linen and utter comfort. My own bedroom will have a fireplace, French doors and a balcony with a view. More comfort and beauty of course. My bathroom will have a separate tub and bright walk in shower. A large walk in closet with enough space for it to look like a high end store. My ideal home is peaceful and lovely and regulating. It is a wonderful place to write and paint and create.
There’s a song by Aerosmith about not wanting to miss one moment. That song always makes me cry. It did when my kids were little I cried and now if it comes on when I’m with any of my kids I still cry.
Life can be surprising. I’ve spent days worried or trying not to worry. I’m all about doing big and little things to get myself into a regulated state whenever I fall out. Regulating is a life skill I wish I’d learned in elementary school.
Better late then never. I’m so glad I have tools now. Im glad to feel calm and confident on a more regular basis. Even better are the many more days I now spend enjoying my life. I think of it as going past regulated and all the way to fun.
I’m not settled in, I can’t find things I need. I’m over due for a pedicure. I have yet to figure out a routine or the WiFi. I could go on, but I still enjoyed a full fun day exploring the area. I’m so glad I went with the flow and didn’t miss any of it.
Even when things are not ideal, I’m still open to good moments. I still end up having some fun. As a friend of mine once suggested, I try to make the good moments bigger and the not so good ones, smaller. I do this when I think or talk about them.
Life can take some twists and turns. I’m glad to not be afraid of how I’ll do when things are not ideal. I’m glad I’m not trying to control or fix circumstances anymore. Its easier to just take care of myself.
I like when being in a regulated state leads me to be in the flow, and then being in the flow leads me to fun. That what happened yesterday!”
I personally am constantly asking why. It’s probably my most asked question, followed by how. I was born curious. Answering that question and explaining myself is something else entirely. I suppose I might as well turn my curiosity on myself for a change.
I started blogging for one reason, but keep doing it for another.
I do these art projects. I love a good project. They get me up in the morning, give me purpose and help direct me. When I’m engaged in a creative endeavor, I seem to navigate life better. I can overlook or sidestep less appealing aspects and concentrate on something bigger than my day to day life.
Blogging was suggested to me as part of launching my latest project. Ten blog posts. A website. An online presence. These steps seemed and still seem pretty daunting compared to writing and illustrating, but I was up for the challenge.
Thirty blog posts and one scrambled, yet existing, website later, I’m definitely challenged, but it is helping me define why I wrote both my books. Also why I’m still engaged. With art shows, I create a bunch of paintings around a theme, have a fun opening night, hopefully sell some and that’s it. Or I spend a few months working on a commission then deliver it. Or I complete the mural, class, kitchen remodel, home stage etc and it’s over. Creating a book is different.
Books seem to be their own slow moving evolution. From idea to rough draft through editing. Its a process. Illustrations are another undertaking, separate, messy, also time consuming. Uploading it all, formatting and more editing. It’s a lot of steps already, but then I need to find a way to send it out into the world. There is a reason and a purpose for doing so and I need to keep getting clearer and clearer about it. Why is it important for me to share with a wide audience? What prompted me to write in the first place? Who are my books for?
This is the second part of why I’m blogging. I am fine tuning these answers as I write. Im talking to myself. I’m remembering. I’m revisiting old art, recalling memories. mining my childhood for understanding.
The CPTSD is something I’m just becoming educated about. Trauma is a topic everyone seems to be learning about lately. Becoming trauma informed can be added to counselors and therapist’s titles after a certified training.
My personal experience with trauma comes from personal experiences. I didn’t know as much as I do now, when I wrote ‘Peaceful Hearts’ but it’s origin came out of a school shooting I was in. It wasn’t well known that a new trauma can bring up an old one, but I felt something was off with the intensity and length of my reaction.
What helped me was what my book suggests. Let feelings come up, and breathe slowly through them Long, deep breaths do in fact calm our physiology , and consequently our brains. It’s a proven fact. It worked for me. Years later after Sandy Hook, I was resigned. The book was getting completed no matter what. I wanted to alleviate suffering. That was my first and biggest motivation. Can it be done through the circulation of one short picture book?
I don’t know. I thought if any or all kids could learn this early on, it would be helpful. I know it would have helped me. It does now. I have some good stories of moms who did read my book every night and kids who started without prompting to use slow conscience breathing. I taught art to kids for years. I know they are smarter than some people realize. I know a three and five year old who would sit down together and breathe when they started to fight with each other.
Now that I’m familiar with the term dis- regulated, I see how disregulation affects anyone, old or young. After the lock down I witnessed a lot of attempts at regulation by many different people. Even dogs struggled. I came up with the idea of butterfly-breathing in response to all of us emerging from our own ‘cocoons’ after social distancing. I saw kindergartners the first day their masks came off. Sweet and heartbreaking, they faired better than the teens I knew, at least they regulated faster.
I see how important being regulated is in my own life. I want everyone to have access to a simple self regulation tool. A calm confident state makes everything better.
It’s 8am on the east coast. My friends and family won’t be awake for a little while yet. G and I are at the beach. He’s in the water.
Before that we were on a drive. One charming beach town after another. Coffee. We needed some. When I saw the line in front of the little bakery/coffee shop, we knew. Croissants made on sight looking every bit as flaky and perfect as they look in France. Yes please! ‘Sift’ did not disappoint. The coffee was hot, good and they had heavy cream. A ham and cheese croissant! Apparently there are two more Sift bakeries. One in the cute town of Mystic. Really?!
Summers as a kid were spent at our cottage. Driving along the water as we got closer was pure anticipation. Cousins, aunts and uncles, Grandpa!
My Aunt Maureen was a lifeguard so she could take us out when the waves were big. She taught us to jump the waves and to body surf. Every day was a beach day. We swam multiple times. I remember pulling on my least wet sandy swim suit and heading down the wooden steps. The last five were too big to manage alone so you needed a grown up to help.
We spent hours collecting rocks and shells and if you were really lucky, tiny pieces of blue glass. The beach meant summer and summer meant freedom and pure fun.
I took my own kids to a California beach that I came to also love. I logged hours watching them play in the surf. I ran and walked many miles on the sand and on the beach wall. I was there every day. Somedays more than once.
Luckily our adventure on the East coast is taking place in a beach town as well. Beaches here are less populated and calmer. No waves but the summer time vibe is alive, though fleeting. The beach is helping me ease into my new location. Spending time in nature can be many different things. I’m so glad that for me it means walking along a beach, feet in the water. A beach can be so regulating for me. I love it.
I just drove from the coast of California to the coast of Connecticut. It took eight days. We arrived yesterday., so I’m waking up to nothing familiar.
My husband asked me the same question.
I laughed, but…
How AM I feeling?
I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I may have felt more at home in Africa. Or more myself, maybe. There is a lot to process at this point. I feel a little like I did on the first day of school after a move to a new city in a new country. I do love the feeling of adventure, but it’s sometimes hard for me to tell the difference between fear and excitement. I might be feeling both.
I often feel my feelings in my stomach. It’s not surprising that my stomach is unsettled and queasy.
We took a little drive and I saw a cute yoga studio. I saw a cute beach town. I could see myself happily living in a town like that, walking to yoga, maybe even working there.
This is the most hopeful I’ve felt and I really like feeling hopeful. Anticipating something I can look forward to, is nice. I have lowered my expectations for everything at this point. My aim is to keep myself as regulated as I can. Transitions are not terrible, some are even fun. Uh. I’m open to possibilities…
A nice cup of tea, a lovely morning drive, the hope of a yoga community. (again I am not expecting much), G said California is very unique. I get that. Last time I moved away from what felt like my mother ship, I never really acclimated. I was an awkward teen then, and in no way self aware.
This begins a whole journey for me. Who am I again? How do I feel? Discombobulated. Fearful, and in a big part part undecided.
I don’t know!
Maybe a little excited and adventurous. Mostly, just undecided. I think I need a day or two to figure it out, but thanks for asking!
What daily habit do you do that improves your quality of life?
Stretching and meditation are two things I do every day. I didn’t used to stretch. I only had so much time. Meditate? I could never sit still while not painting.
Now I start every morning with a series of stretches that I learned to do in yoga. It’s not time consuming and it feels great.
I now know more than I ever thought I wanted to know about facia and breathing. I’ve learned to sit still and my brain feels so much better then it ever has.
What was the last thing you searched for online? Why were you looking for it?
I thought there was a movie about a butterfly beating it’s wings on one side of the world causing a tidal wave some place else. I thought it starred Jodie Foster. All I found was an Ashton Kutcher movie about going back in time. Didn’t we already learn that going back in time and changing things would have consequences? Marty McFly went Back to the Future and messed things up for the better. I guess that worked out for him, but not so much for Ashton.
The reason I was looking was because I like the idea that if one person influences the world for good, that it has the power to change things across the whole planet. One person following their dream, using their gifts to help others can have a butterfly affect, in a good way. I believe everyone has gifts to share. I believe in the positive effect that one person can have. One kind word or action and how that spirals out and touches many…
When I had the idea for my butterfly breathing book, I thought about how teaching kids how to butterfly-breath could help teachers and kiddos everywhere to have many more positive experiences in the classroom. Also parents and children might have more calm confident moments at home.. I love all the butterfly metaphors.
I wish I could find the movie I’m thinking of. I’d like to learn more about the science behind the butterfly effect.
It seems from what I found on google, that the butterfly effect is used to show what can go wrong if one seemingly small change is made in nature. It can go both ways, though. Remember when they reintroduced wolves to Yellowstone Park? Many species came back and thrived.
I wrote these two little books about breathing and being okay with our emotions and life stages. My hope is to see them to go out and have their own butterfly effect and have a positive affect in homes and classrooms all across the world. I’ve seen the effects of breath to movement. I know how powerfully it can change a mind in a moment. I know how it can impact life over time.
I believe that small, even tiny changes, can have big impacts. I love that. I love it as a possibility.
Peace Kit 