Oh ok

Hi friends!

On this rainy indoor day I have decided to talk about the art of housekeeping.

I have been romanticizing domestic godliness for as long as I can remember. Mrs.Tiggy-Winkle, the hedgehog laundress was an odd idol, but what can I say?

Sarah Ban Breathnach wrote her famous pink book ‘Simple Abundance’ on and around this topic. She referenced many literary passages that had a big impact on me. Who needed Pinterest? I was inspired to work hard on my efforts to contribute domestically to better my family’s life. Her seasonal, literature-inspired chapters made it all sound super fun.

My mother was easily a domestic goddess. She excelled at ironing, cleaning, organizing and maintaining a household. She was the gold standard in this genre. Until, well, G’s mom could steal her crown, only because she does it all so happily. She truly rivals Snow White in this department.

Did you know wolves can’t be domesticated? You can hand raise them from birth, even motherless they grow into wild creatures who don’t make man their pack leader. Our pet dogs care deeply about pleasing us, wolf pups don’t know how to care about that. They will knock over the fridge and ransack your house because they are born and remain, wild.

The first chapter of ‘Untamed’ by Glennon Doyle describes a zoo cheetah trained to run after a stuffed animal for a crowd . (she paid extra to see this spectacle). The author describes so perfectly how the cheetah returns to its wild self after the show is over. Some readers resonated with this metaphor. For me it explained a lot.

I was trained. I had examples, I cared. I wanted to please and comply, I was motivated. I had every reason and privilege and incentive to learn. How did I not become tamed? How did I grow up so feral? I honestly can’t say.

Don’t ask me if the grass needs mowing. I can’t tell. Keeping things up is not something I have an aptitude for. I load dishwashers wrong, set the table incorrectly, clean floors and do laundry in utter randomness. I never follow recipes. I don’t plan menus unless it’s for a party. I don’t mind these tasks and actually adore utter cleanliness (thanks mom!) I appreciate good gardeners and quality housekeeping services, I even make chore doing fun when its up to me.

I think it might be the routine part that I have trouble with. Just a theory. I love a whim. I love chaos and thrive in it. I love order too! I love the dance between them. I crave differentness. I am equally fascinated and stumped by regularity. It’s taken me years to understand this about myself.

I’ve always been a square peg adrift, in a sea of round pegs in round holes. It took me years to look for square holes. Why did I think I could change who I was?

My new environment has me revisiting my old quest to change, only now I see the humor and folly in the whole concept.

‘Peaceful Hearts’ I originally titled ‘Wild Hearts’. I had yet to read about the cheetah, but I likely always knew (without wanting to know) about my inherent wildness. Today, it’s not about liking or embracing this, it’s about being true to myself. It comes down to inner integrity. This girl has to be herself no matter how the table is supposed to be set.

Knowing and pondering this is regulating.

Untitled

What’s your all-time favorite album?

I can’t answer this because it changes.

Looking back I can see myself at different ages completely in love with so many different albums.

When I love something I really really LOVE it. I can’t help this, I might play the same music over and over and over (I read books and watch movies again and again too). I can look back with such fondness on so many of my old favorites and easily be taken back in time by a song. Its fun to revisit music from a different perspective. Lately I’m on playlists and presently between obsessions.

Music, my life soundtrack. I could make a list, but it would be long

Rain

It’s going to rain all weekend. This is a harrowing thought. Apparently we need to brace for it. So today we are heading to another beach town hoping for waves. I don’t mind rain, but I get it, it doesn’t let up once it starts here so you really are stuck inside).

Last time we did this, nothing went smoothly. Closed for the season is no joke. Finding an open bathroom was the highlight of my day. Whoever heard of food places without bathrooms? I’m not in CA anymore! Anything can happen.

I’m prepared for cold, wind, thirst and hunger. I brought a book and some paper to draw. I feel like the mom of a toddler, but if this day goes awry and I fall out of regulation, I’m ready!

Armed with music, podcasts and hot coffee, my aim is to keep my energy light. I have set my expectations low, turned up my humor, and dressed in layers. I’ll be fine. Besides I could use a computer break. The ocean is always nice.

We turned left 🤪

Lots

Which topics would you like to be more informed about?

At the moment, it’s the computer I wish I knew Indesign and Amazon KDP better. If I could maneuver through these I could make this next leg of my journey so much easier.

As it is, I am spending hours in trial and error, googling, breaking down every step, failing… I just ordered a proof that will most likely be completely wrong for reasons too complicated to explain. One guy said not to trust the preview because it only shows portrait format, and my dimensions are for landscape.

Im telling myself that it will be good to see the quality and size of the book printed out. It’s just part of the process even if it’s all sideways and wrong.

I wish everything I need to know to make this easier could be downloaded into my brain. right now!

Oh, I checked on the digital copy that did publish successfully. It’s small, but correct. I’ll try to order a copy of it and see if I can see it on my phone. Research. It’s all research at this point.

Without music?! I hope you’re kidding (and btw, that’s not funny)

What would your life be like without music?

Life would be sad and way less fun. Joyless. Lonely. A emotional flat line.

No one knows me like my music.

I think it would be the loss of an important connection for me. I can’t explain it. I lLOVE the ease of music on my phone any time day or night. EarPods, headphones, these regulating devices save me SAVE me. A good car stereo? Oh my! I love love love loud music in my car. That’s a favorite. Or blasting throughout my house filling up every space. Music. Its art, it’s life, for me, it’s too important to live without.

This question prompt has overwhelmed me with gratitude for all the music I’ve enjoyed over the years and all of what I get to enjoy now. I freaking love my music!

I also love live music!

Guilty Grasshoppers

I just listened to a podcast about pleasure and pain. I guess I’m a Hedonist. I’ve probably evolved into a more responsible one over the years, but I’m pretty sure I’ve always preferred pleasure.

I used to think that pain equals good and pleasure equals bad, which explains all the marathons and 5am gym attendance. And dieting… I even devised many creative ways to endure hardship and discomfort while making them a little fun.

Turns out, suffering was never supposed to be fun. And guess what else? Suffering is not the way to happy. Being good at suffering is not a real goal.

Pleasure, real pleasure is actually a good thing. I’m not sure when this occurred to me, but I’m glad it did! Even now I’m still letting go of the guilt. I may have spent way too many years feeling guilty for enjoying my life. I’ve always been the irresponsible grasshopper, to everyone else’s worker ant. That parable packed a punch for me. Ive felt properly guilty for having fun, but still I never could change.

It’s not that I haven’t worked hard, it’s just that I like what I’m working at and I work hard at what I love. I also REALLY bask in the good and seek out the beauty and wouldn’t you know it, my life is brimming with wonderful things.

Which I still feel I want to apologize for. Or explain away. Don’t get me wrong, things are not ideal, in fact lately, they are a long way from perfect, but every day I wake up to fresh possibilities. to a new ever evolving moment in life. I still feel lucky. I get to laugh. I get to smile and I get to bask and delight.

When I have a hard day or moment, I have a name for it. Its called dysregulation and I know it’s temporary. I know what kinds of pleasurable things I could opt to do to bump myself back into balance. Small pleasant actions taken on my own behalf move me toward regulation. I think I’ve always known this. Music, flowers, chocolate, a walk, a phone call, pizza…Not as distractions, just sometimes a little nurturing is in order.

Oh to go in the direction that I want to be going and enjoy the process. Oh to love all of the little things like walking on dew soaked grass in the early mornings. Sunsets, sand, beauty, fun…

I want to do some things. I’ve done a lot of things. I’m here on the planet for a limited time, I guess I would like to enjoy it. No more guiltily painting or drawing. I’m calling it ‘work’ and if that makes me one of the grasshoppers, Im good with it.

I’m sweeping guilt out of my life at long last and learning to embrace my love of pleasure. It’s okay to be this way. It’s okay to not be. There is room for all of us here. Going forward I welcome my Hedonistic pleasure loving self. I’m not the only one. Where ARE my grasshopper people?

Tradition!

How do you celebrate holidays?

Remember Fiddler on the Roof?

I have always loved tradition. I love hearing about every cultures celebrations. I love that as humans we have a long history of celebrating. It seems to me that celebration is a kind of thankfulness. We repeat this year after year passing a little of who we are as family down through generations. Does it remind us that we are part of something? I like feeling connected. Connection seems important.

I know when I’ve been away from home or someone else is, I’m miss my family. I miss each individual and I miss our whole. Even while embracing and appreciating other’s family and their unique traditions, I can’t help missing mine.

It might be a little comforting to make a certain food or add a favorite decoration or hunt down hot cross buns or poppers, it’s never the same without my beloved family members around.

Life moves fast. Change is happening continually. I think tradition can be a comforting constant. I think celebrating is fun. Its a sweet way to share our love, and add some beauty, light and magic into our lives.

Hippie Thanksgiving

Write about your most epic baking or cooking fail.

I accidentally gave my husband food poisoning.

It’s kind of a long story.

In the 90s, before it was a thing, I found a farm that had free range turkeys for thanksgiving. I was all about eating food that was raised kindly. I wanted a turkey that had a good life. I joined a co-op organic garden that played Mozart over loud speakers to the fields of vegetables around this same time.

No one else in the co-op showed up. It was all pretty experimental back then so we had the whole garden to ourselves. Me, my little family, the farmers and Mozart. It was lovely.

The turkey came from a neighboring farm. I did what I saw my mother do all the thanksgivings of my life. I prepared the stuffing, stuffed the turkey and roasted it for the suggested time. There was left over stuffing I put in a dish and cooked separately.

Did you guess that the stuffing did not heat up enough even though the rest was cooked perfectly? No one but my husband ate the stuffing from inside. He was super sick and blamed me, the happy turkey and my hippie ideas forever after. I’m pretty sure I talked him into being a vegetarian before the following Thanksgiving!

one of those days

Ever had one?

Ugh.

Nothing went smoothly, no one was friendly, I didn’t drink enough water, I didn’t get enough sleep.

Even as the sun shone brightly, the wind kept me from feeling warm. Oh man. I felt every feeling of home sickness. My website is broken, I can’t figure out how to fix it. I’m not in a good mood. No one seems to be.

Oh that it’s not permanent. Thank the heavens for that one tiny thought. A drive to the beach was not the answer. Hmmm. What might help?

Gratitude for a decent open public bathroom. Grateful for a friendly mirror and cleanliness. It’s sometimes the little things.

After a nice meal and a goodnight sleep, I know I’ll be heading toward feeling better. In the meantime I’m breathing deeply…

Flux

Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.

There are so many things I’ve learned that would have been helpful earlier in my life. Conscious breathing comes to mind, but the one thing I’ve learned most recently, is about regulation.

I used to think that when a thing was ‘fixed’ it should stay fixed, forever. I’m not sure where this thinking came from. I, who sat at my Grandfathers side while he fixed lawn mower engines and mini bikes, pumps and boat motors, repeatedly. Somehow, I’m not sure why, I thought things should stay fixed.

Did you know that airplanes are off course much of the time? They need to constantly be redirected to stay on course. Some expensive car engines need to be finely tuned often. Musical instruments are constantly needing tuning. Nature is always adjusting.

I spent way too much of my life looking to be fixed, trying this, reading that, looking for a single solution that would make everything fall into place and make sense. And stay that way. Each time I fell back or became dysregulated, I would consider it a fail and start searching once again.

When I finally started to understand that it’s normal to fall in and out of balance. It’s fine to do so quite regularly, everything alive does (and so do things that aren’t). When I took this in, something like a light bulb went on for me. I was able see myself differently. I could see the world differently.

I’m a process person. I am generally involved in some project almost all of the time. There’s a goal of completion, for sure, but most of my time working is spent not in completion, which I love. It’s funny I never looked at it like this. I really believed that being in and out of balance or out of a regulated state was a problem. I had to get it solved and then it was supposed to stay solved.

Yes. It’s perfectly normal to be dysregulated. The goal was never to be regulated one hundred percent of the time. I wish I’d known that when I was younger.

I love knowing that ‘out’ is just as normal, if not more common, than ‘in’ when we’re talking about balance. It’s natural to seek it but it’s all a perfect process of everything going in and out, This is happening ALL of the time. Dysregulation isn’t bad, it’s just what happens. I can always be moving toward what feels better. Me and everything else in nature. If I’d known this when I was younger, I might have been easier on myself.

Today, I have better questions to ask myself when I’m feeling out of balance. I know that a dysregulated moment or day won’t last forever, and I know some things to do to change course so that I’m heading where I’d like to be heading. (Like an airplane). This is comforting information that may have been nice at a young age.

I guess maybe I’m making up for it with books about breathing and regulating. My latest book about Beatrix Butterfly is a metaphor on how every life stage is important. One stage can not be without the others. Not knowing this led me in so many interesting directions. Looking back, I guess not knowing was part of it.