Traffic. Yikes!

Just the thought of it can bring up stress. We all have stories of how particularly bad traffic messed up our day.

Rushing and traffic is a terrible combination. Commuter traffic, no one’s favorite.
Here’s the thing, traffic is just another experience in life. It means whatever we make it mean. I’ll not say you can make it pleasant, but I will say you can make your own personal experience of it better or worse. I frankly, love knowing this.

I used to believe that life was always throwing itself at me and I, like a dodgeball player was either getting bombarded or running, always running, trying not to be ‘out’. I would see others sailing through and wonder what I was doing wrong.

It turns out, it was all in the chatter in my head. What I say to myself about things like traffic, is what I now notice. I can always frame anything to make it sound better to ME. I’m the only one who needs to hear my better self talk. I guess that’s why they call it self talk. If I can distract myself with some positive thoughts or just find something absurd or funny, I can shift the way I feel, if only slightly.

On the way to yoga I sometimes find myself rushing. It is a bit of irony and if I think about it, silly. I could leave earlier, but if I’m going to be late, I CAN relax about it. Traffic on the way to me rushing to yoga is one big cosmic joke if I can see it. I now just try to yoga-breathe through the traffic and red lights. Also a bit funny…

One day I was not rushing home AFTER yoga and a guy hurrying through the already red light from a different direction hit me. My bumper and front wheel well were ripped off but I was fine. If I had been rushing I would have been T-boned because I would have been further into the intersection. Here I was putting through the green light, feeling calm and regulated and though it was inconvenient, I and everyone else walked away without a scratch. Our cars were fixed and life moved on…

I easily could have thought my way in many directions. I’m glad I didn’t.

If I could go back in time, besides buying some good stocks, I would advise my younger self to keep making new friends. keep nurturing relationships and make bigger efforts to stay connected. In other words, reach out more.

Friendship is important. It’s different for everyone, but whether its a few close friends or a ballroom or a stadium full, we all need some other people in our lives.

I know this, I get doses of lovely friend moments that truly warm my heart. Friends have made big, HUGE differences in my life, repeatedly. Still, I sometimes isolate. I become a loner easily. Art is a one person activity, I might be an introvert. I sometimes get self conscious or down and to interact seems too hard. I tend to not reach out. It’s a lot of things. Probably related to CPTSD…

I know I can do better. I love my friends. I always come home happy whenever I’ve spent time with them.

Social anxiety is a thing. Covid did not help with that. Not only did we emerge from the lock down with it, our pets did too.

I didn’t need a pandemic for a fear of interaction to develop, Is there a phobia of not being liked? From the earliest age, my whole being seemed to brace for rejection.

A real state of regulation feels like calm comfortable confidence. That was news to me. Social interaction, or anticipation of it, I learned, can feel dis regulating for me. This little nugget of information has made all the difference, because now I know to take steps to regulate.

One day I had two big social events back to back. They both felt scary and unnerving, plus I had to show up alone, no safety in numbers for me that day. What I did was give myself the luxury of time.

I decided to approach it as though I was a celebrity getting ready for a party or event. No one wants to see a celebrity rushed or disheveled or noticeably awkward in their clothes. So I spent time choosing an outfit that I felt completely comfortable in. I got a pedicure, watched a favorite show, took a long shower, spent time on my hair and make up. Meditated, drank ice water, listened to music, pampered myself.

Basically I didn’t let myself get dis regulated by worrying. Before I knew the term, I was learning and practicing regulation, I managed to get into and stay in a regulated state for the entire day.

I was able to fully enjoy seeing old friends. I felt relaxed and lucky to know each one of them. By taking some measures to enjoy getting ready, by not allowing myself to get stressed or feel rushed, by encouraging myself toward good feelings, I managed to have a better social experience than I unusually do. I set myself up for success. I set up my day so that I felt good, so when I showed up I felt good, so while I was there and when I left, I felt calm and completely confident.

That one little experiment helped me realize how much I contribute to my own experience. Knowing how to infuse some positive vibes into any situation is like a super power I didn’t know I had. I still get a little jolt of anxiety when a social event comes up, but I know what I can do to help myself feel more excited than fearful. Hello Marvel, what’s my super hero name now?!

There’s a story about Abraham Lincolns first and second wives. His first wife lived in their house with a dirt floor. She was promised a real floor, but lived for years until she died, on dirt. His second wife took one look at the dirt floor and refused to move in until a real floor was built. Which it quickly was.

How often have I shown up as the long suffering first wife? Ugh! I’ve gotten better! It took me a few years to know what I wanted. There’s a line in a Tom Petty song that says “we didn’t know what we were looking for” I sure didn’t.

If I see myself lumping it, Im getting better at catching myself. But then I have to speak up, take action, do something different. Essentially be uncomfortable. I don’t know why I’ll sometimes take long term discomfort over making some waves. This is something I need to ponder.

Confrontation. Stepping away. Not budging. Hmmm

I moved into a place without a hooked up stove and an oddly placed refrigerator, but was promised the kitchen would be built. It was in progress. It looked and sounded like it would be easy and quick. During our four years, we helped remodel other people’s whole kitchens. Yet the tiny one in our rental, moved at glacial speed. I can’t say why every part was a struggle. We pushed for somethings, but there was always a reason for stalling. The stove sat for all of the four years just taking up space. We acquired a hot plate, a butane camping stove and a nice convection toaster oven. We managed. Then our rent was raised and raised again (nearly doubled). It’s so interesting how I found myself being the first wife.

If I’m going to curate the life I want, and in many areas I had, why did I settle on something as important as my surroundings?

Our land lord is nice! I don’t think she didn’t like us, She was struggling with finances and health issues. The thing I realize now is that I needed to handle things differently. I aim to be the person who is responsible for me which includes being GOOD to me. The time I spent discouraged, frustrated, feeling powerless and like the lowest of priorities did not feel good. At all. It was demoralizing. How did I do that every day for most of four years?

Looking back while going forward, I see a lesson coming into focus. We didn’t want to or know how to move, but life finally moved us. Again I see how I need to get better at paying attention. I need stand-up-for-myself practice.

I did a painting years ago of an abstract woman bent backwards over a house of cards, broom in hand, abstract man contributing to her backwards posture. I named the painting ‘Stand Up’.

Much pondering and some practice needed for sure, but is this all about staying aware? Do I need to focus and pay better attention to myself!? Always a work in progress, I’m hopefully moving faster then that kitchen…

I know this at the very least, I won’t move in again anywhere, unless there is a working oven.

Something I decided to practice is regularly listing things I’m grateful for. I do it before I open my eyes every morning then before I fall asleep every night. It doesn’t take any time and I don’t have to search for a pen and paper. To keep it simple, I just think of as many things as I can. It’s a mental exercise.

What I’ve found is that this helps me start my day in a better mindset. Not that things don’t happen throughput the day or that I remain grateful no matter what. I still become dis regulated at times, but now, I don’t go into my day or to bed in an exaggerated dis regulated state. Thankfulness makes the hard things smaller and the good things bigger. Believe it or not this makes a big difference in the overall quality of my life.

It’s easy to forget or take for granted the good things in life, especially when problems are big or many, or I get busy and caught up, or upset.

I’m not trying to be Polly Anna, or maybe I am. She had some tough circumstances and chose quite deliberately to find things to be glad about anyway.

Gratitude is many things. One important thing for me is that it’s regulating. Also, if I’m having trouble finding anything to be thankful for, it’s a sure sign that I’m in a dis regulated state. Sometimes I’m so dis regulated, I can’t tell. I try to slow down and pay attention. I’ve been working on this for years, thanks to yoga. I hope I’m getting better at it, but life still gets me wound up.

I’ve also been a student of gratitude since I first read the above quote. I know it can be helpful in a very powerful way when I use it.

One more tool in my toolkit. Habits take time and focus. Good habits have worked to my advantage, especially long term. Good habits like regular gratitude, have put me on the right track for a more regulated life. Since I’m not searching for constant happiness, I’m super grateful for more and more regulated calm confidence and peace. More content happiness is a welcome by product (which I’m thankful for).

Life is made of ups and downs as well as some straight sections, none of which last. I’m coming to the end of a five year down, with many fluctuating ups and downs in the middle. I can tell you it hasn’t been easy. Most of what made up this time could be best described as struggle.

After a stretch of optimism, starting a company, writing a book, painting some nice series’s, buying a home, renting a live/work space, showing my work in Manhattan, Living on both coasts, traveling to Europe and Africa, grand babies being born, life was not perfect, but it was a daring fun adventure. When it all came crashing down, followed closely by a worldwide pandemic and almost 2 year lock down which dramatically affected my household. My husband and I work in peoples homes. We design and remodel and help people decorate both homes and office space . I also stage homes for sale. We couldn’t work from home, we mostly couldn’t work at all. Even 2 years afterward we haven’t caught up and now prices are soaring, our rent, raised twice, is nearly double. We work seven days a week and never even go out to eat anymore.

I tell about these two different life experiences because they are what I’m talking about. Nothing lasts forever. Life is constantly changing. This is one thing we can count on.

Some of life feels like we are on top of the world. Other times feel like we are on the bottom. Even in a day or week we can rise and fall with whatever is happening in and outside of our homes. In some places they will say if you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and it will change. If you can train yourself to wait, life is like the weather, always changing. Even in Southern California, where seasons aren’t a thing, we still have rainy years and dry years. Cloudy marine layer and sunshine. Hot dry Santa Anna’s and sticky wet humidity. Change happens. If we are ready to take it on, we are happier than if we fear it.

A regulated person is able to take ups and downs more smoothly. A person who knows and accepts the nature of change has confidence that they will be alright. They know they can regulate their state when necessary. Ride the highs and lows of life better because they are not at the mercy of feeling bad, they know they can change their state, even be content while still engaged in struggle.

I did this. I had many happy regulated times while struggling through Covid, rising costs and even losing my business. I have improved my ability to move out of dis regulation faster and that has given me confidence and a measure of peace.

I’m just pointing out the obvious. Life takes many turns. You may not know what is up ahead, but you do know yourself, if you know what gets you regulated, you know you can take steps toward regulation at any point. You have that power to use any time you want.

Another good reason to practice soothing regulating tactics when low times come along.

When I first wrote my book ‘Peaceful Hearts’, I titled it ‘Wild Hearts’.

It came from the idea that wild hearts can’t be broken, even if they feel that way. Someone later looked at my book and was very adamant that hearts can’t be broken. I’m pretty sure she was too young to have been in love, or to be a heart surgeon or a trauma councilor.

Is it possible that our hearts are broken over and over and then mended again and again? Maybe this is the uniquely human experience. Like the Japanese broken pottery Kintsugi tradition, put back together with gold. Not only is the vessel stronger, but it becomes more beautiful with every golden seam.

Could our broken hearted moments be opportunities for metaphorical golden repair? Our opportunity for light and strength to fuse us back together?

To be able to celebrate the repairs, we need to practice the repair process. As we do so, we can only get better at it. Regulating ourselves back to a peaceful state is a skill we can be constantly honing.

I used to spend more time and energy on my disregulation. I’d think more dis regulating thoughts, worry, blame, concentrate on what was wrong, why it was wrong, the unfairness, the woe. I had long explanations, and if I didn’t, I would spend days wondering where I went wrong and generally get myself to feel worse and worse. I thought this would help me to feel better, I also had the notion that if I figured it out, I would never feel depressed again. I truly believed that there was a fix and I had to find it. I could then stop making giant life errors and be in a constant state of peace and happiness. I read a lot of self help books that promised exactly that.

I wrote Peaceful Hearts because I lived with toddlers. They tend to run through all their emotions over and over all day long. Some amount of time would be spent helping them regulate. I saw my daughter-in-law, a yoga teacher, remind her little ones to breathe when they were upset. This helped us all. Everyone in the room would start paying attention to our own inhales and exhales.

I wished I knew about breathing when I was younger. I learned the power of breath in my yoga classes, and had the ideal to spread this magical breathing tool to everyone, yogi or not, by creating a simple bedtime story.

It’s interesting how it’s expected that babies and young children melt down, then as we get older, emotion is something we expect should only be positive. It is a sign of maturity to control our behaviors, I support that, but I think it’s less helpful to expect older children and adults to never have negative emotions. We all do. Is it helpful to pretend we don’t or shouldn’t?

My new thinking is that getting knocked out of balance by emotion is normal and will keep happening for as long as we are alive. People, situations, weather, traffic, every day there are potential triggers. Every moment we meet the world in a different mood.

Better to accept dis-regulation and then start moving toward a more comfortable state as soon as possible. This makes way more sense to me now. Peaceful Hearts is a book about regulating the self through less positive emotional states by breathing consciously. It was meant to be read over and over. I didn’t know the terms regulate and dis regulate when I wrote it, but it works. Its what I wrote it for. Same with my new book Beatrix Butterfly. Butterfly-breathing is another breathing technique for regulation.

The good news is that we can always regulate and re regulate and re regulate again. The other good news is that we get better at it with practice.

The bad news is that we will never stop becoming dis regulated. Life will always find ways to knock us out of balance. Maybe that’s part of our growth.

I think having this understanding has liberated me. Before, I was trying to fix myself into a person who was always happy, I thought if I could just achieve this or that, and arrive, I didn’t want or know to accept a bumpy life path, I didn’t know I was chasing an impossible thing, but the chase was incredibly discouraging.

I may have spent a huge amount of time comparing my inner faulty self with other people’s outward appearances. Social media makes this too easy.

There’s another dangerous notion that I had. If I didn’t stay happy and keep my vibration high enough, the things I wanted would be kept from me. I wouldn’t be able to ‘attract’ anything good if i didn’t constantly flow along in a happy state. In other words, if circumstances aren’t what you’d like them to be, it’s your fault. I do agree that when I am in a calm, confident regulated state, things do feel easier. I can see things in a more positive hopeful light. My mind will sift and sort and see good just as when I’m upset I’ll see more reasons to be upset. At the end of the day, it just doesn’t help to get down on my already down self for getting triggered and failing to be ‘happy’.

If, instead, I just see that I’m in a dis regulated state, and take some steps toward regulating, I can help the process along. Things get clearer quicker and so much easier. Blaming my off balance self for failing out of balance and then being out of balance (and blaming everyone and everything that pushed me out) is lame. It slows down moving through it and makes me just feel worse.

It has never helped to believe that if I just get X then I’ll be happy. Similarly believing that I have to be happy without X in order to attract X into my life. X doesn’t equal the answer. X isn’t the answer. If you don’t believe me look at the people who have your X. They get disregulaed. Good examples are celebrities who have what looks like everything on anyone’s happy making list.

They’re slim, beautiful, rich and successful. They have fun things to do with tons of friends, perfect spouses, darling children. Giant homes, several cars, etc etc How could they ever be unhappy? If having X was the answer they’d be shining examples of happiness. There seems to be a lot of drug and alcohol related dying in the celebrity life world and plenty of drama.

I’m just saying there is no one answer. The best anyone can do is to spend more time in a regulated state. With or without X, getting better at regulating is a good thing. And it’s good news that we can.

I’ve learned that it’s really more about my feelings in any moment. When I’m calm and regulated, I can experience my circumstances differently than when I’m not. Just knowing I have ability to regulate my self into a better feeling state, is huge.

Life is weird. After so many years trying to be one of those happy people (you know them from TV or Facebook), I came to understand that no one is happy one hundred percent of the time. Some people spend more time in a happy state, some people are really good at pretending to be happy, but everyone has difficult things to navigate. That’s life.

I can wonder all I want about why this is, but I think it’s enough to accept it and move on to what I recently learned. Which is that I can get better (and I have) at regulating after an upsetting thing happens. I can always reach for a better feeling thought or idea. Feelings are in constant flux, changing and moving like weather patterns.

Unlike the weather, I can influence my feelings. I have choices. I can make uncomfortable states such as sadness or anger bigger and more intense or I can make them smaller and help dissolve them. These are choices I did not know I had. In fact when I first heard it suggested I was a little mad. I always thought my emotions were driving me, they’d pop up suddenly and I’d be happy or sad or frightened, without warning, with what I thought was no control. A good thing would happen and I would feel happy, then something else would happen and the good feeling would disappear. I was at the mercy of everything and everyone or so I believed…

Now I accept that yes, life happens, but with this one difference. I know how to regulate myself. I know a few tricks that can soothe me into feeling ok. When I remember to use them, I can return to a calm confident state on my own. I don’t have to wait for something to happen. I don’t have to wait for people to change their behaviors. I don’t have to wait for traffic or circumstances to improve. I can work with what I have to regulate, or I can go get or ask for what I need.

This is a revelation to me because I used to operate from the perspective that I’ll be happy when… when I make this much money, when I have this or that, when more people are nicer and more supportive. When life changes…

Now I see that I had it backwards. I just need to point myself toward happier thoughts and regulate my brain for this moment. When I’m fine in my now, I can reach for more fun, but if I’m busy lamenting or forecasting the worst and finding reasons to be fearful, I’m not helping myself to feel better, I’m making myself feel worse. if nothing else, it’s a waste of time and brain power.

Make the good things bigger and the bad things smaller inside my head. This is what I’m training my brain to do. Finding more things to be thankful for is a shift I made so that the percentage of helpful thinking is more than my unhelpful thinking.

When things aren’t going well, I’m tempted to get down on myself. I often go straight to negative self questioning. Here’s the thing, I’ve learned that actually, it’s not really helpful to blame, punish or beat myself up. Ever. I used to think it was a normal reaction to get mad at me, but what I’ve come to realize, is that what IS helpful and what I’m mostly craving, is gentle understanding.

When life messes with my regulated state, I have to remind myself to be a good friend to myself. I want to be a friend, who asks good questions and cares. The kind of friend who wants me to have what I need and helps me find it. That same friend will be honest and easy to be truthful with. She will gently encourage me to take responsibility. She will remind me of who I am, of my strength and capabilities. More than a nap or some chocolate, I need to give myself some gentle attention because that is far more helpful and regulating then what I’ve done in the past.

My goal now is to do whatever I need to do to re regulate. Finding my way back to fine is not always the same path. It’s different every time I fall or get lost in a dis regulated state. This is why I need my own focused attention. Sometimes I’m so far from fine, I need a triage-like approach to start off. Some days I just need a walk. If I don’t spend a moment paying attention, how will I know what to do? I used to make my dis regulated state last longer and be exponentially harder, I always eventually level out, but why not try compassion and aliviate my suffering instead? Shorten my angst? Yes please!