I think this subject has been talked about a time or two already.
It will be raining all week according to the weather report (which I am remembering is not always accurate) So grain of salt.
And
we didn’t realize we were out of heavy cream for our morning coffee until last night.
That is, G realized and texted me, but I was at a very engaging bookclub and had left my phone in my coat pocket, on a hook, off in the distance.
When I got home I realized my blunder.
Before that, all was well and Fun.
Here are some lessons learned:
Nothing is worth closing my heart over. Not running out of heavy cream, rain or grumpy people who don’t like rain.
Not mornings where nothing opens until 7, even coffee places.
Also, sometimes if I want a nicer morning, it might be better to race to a store before it closes the night before, even if I’m tired and think I’d rather do it in the morning, because stores aren’t as convenient here as they are in CA, another important lesson.
Last year we learned to never run out of heavy cream. How did we let ourselves down today?! I’m sure G has a good reason for not going out for some last night as well. He isn’t offering any explanation, but I know him. And the awkwardness of some things.
Chalk it up to more reasons for not letting my heart close.
As we revisit this rainy heavy cream-less wake up (call), I can feel that G and I have changed. We’ve already dropped the subject. He’s back from the long trek to a store. We sit drinking our coffee watching the steady rain outside.
Nothing makes memories like camping with three kids plus a four month old baby in the Utah mountains in early May. Cooking spaghetti in water that has frozen solid? Keeping all those little heads and fingers covered? Hard to forget
Or, group camping with people you only know from church. How these cranky non morning people pulled themselves together for church every week, was a miracle that I didn’t know I witnessed week after week. I learned a lot on that trip.
Then there was the four teenagers, their four additional friends, and a new fiancée camping trip. Welcome to the family G. I mostly remember all the cooking and dishes we had to do in a make shift laborious way. G called his mom and thanked her for all her work on his family camping excursions growing up.
I am usually up for adventure, but I like it better when there is a nice hotel involved. I like the idea of camping. It’s just that I’ve really only had one experience that might make me want to repeat it.
Mostly, it’s long extra dark sleepless nights, many long dirty days trouble shooting through usually easy tasks at home, like opening cans or washing your face with ‘camping’ equipment.
Do all men love camping epuipment? REI was my first husbands favorite date night, family outing, rainy day activity.
There are terrible tasting freeze dried foods, water purifiers, tiny can openers, stuff I don’t want to have to use in normal life, but life savers if you can find them while camping. Organizational skill is pretty important.
Fishing or hiking with toddlers? Don’t get me started on the guilt. Many families LOVE camping, I sincerely wanted to, but I wasn’t good at it. Liking it? I stayed hopeful for a lot of years.
I have a heathy respect for pioneers, but me? I like navigating survival with more comfort. A real bathroom. A bed…
I do love the marshmallow- toasting-campfire parts and the beauty and peace of being in nature.
When I was in high school I went on an epic cross country ski trip for a class. We stayed in hostels in the Canadian Rockies. It snowed without stopping for the full three days and two nights. Our teacher had everyone take turns ‘breaking trail’ which meant being out in front starting to make a path for everyone. It was both grueling and breathtakingly beautiful. We were up to our knees and thighs in fresh snow for 25-30 kilometers each day. When we got back to the school the city had declared blizzard conditions. Many of us stayed late into the night waiting to be picked up. Canadians are rarely detained by snow.
I loved that I did that trip. I barely remember the blisters and the fatigue and the soreness of muscles I may never have used before. Or the cold. Oh it must have been so cold! Powdered snow only remains powder if conditions are cold and dry enough.
I don’t regret my camping experiences, I just don’t know if it’s something I would look forward to doing now.
Staying with G’s mom is as close to camping as I want to be these days. And we are searching hard for ways to remedy the camp like parts.
Only a week or so ago I was emersed in paint and art and fun
Today it’s all about yard work. Every day. Weeds. Hidden weeds, weeds no one can see. Literally hours of weeding. For reasons I’m unclear about. After putting on weed killer (which caused a rift with neighbors) I’m just not computing. Big brown spots from grubs. Huge. Mostly dirt. Those you can see, but no one can know if the grubs are winning
Yet
New seed has been laid out. It’s just a matter of time.
I don’t know how to follow the conversations about the lawn. Last year the side lot was all brown. Same with the year before. When I asked about it, I was told it was always like that. It didn’t get enough water. I argued that it probably got the same amount as the rest of the lawn. Then when it stayed brown after weeks of record rain, I asked again. Looked up stuff online. Suggested grubs. Three summers later the war is on. The grass seems to be losing.
Except on the side lot. That grass looks better than it ever has according to G.
It’s a woman vs nature drama.
From the looks of things, the grubs have destroyed probably forty percent of the non side lot lawn. Turns out grubs grow up and fly and spread.
G is more helpful. He seems to follow the logic better than I do. We spent hours last fall getting the side lot ready and seeding. It looks great, but it’s not about the side lot. We only care about the front and the other side.
Is what I think I’m learning. And who knew Gs mom can sit on her little stool and weed for hours even if she doesn’t like weeding and no one can tell where the weeds are or that anything was done afterwards. This is not for me to understand.
Thank goodness for yoga and nice weather. I made myself tea. It’s been a long first day back to work kind of day. I guess I don’t share the passion for lawn work. Oh well.
I feel productive when my days are filled with flow-like work.
Our last few months in CA felt productive and fun because of the fast paced busy ness of doing multiple different art projects. Every day I was engaged. Every day was full.
The gallery shows, the gala collaborations, the staging, the commissions, team building art classes, plus painting all the time. A little staging. Oh and the meetings, I loved my important meetings in LaJolla, or in cool coffee houses over pastries or beer and tacos. Planning out lessons and making stuff happen. All my favorite ways to stay busy and feel accomplished and productive.
I once met a guy in yoga who had so many coincidental things in common with me that we had a lot of laughs as we found each one out. We went to the same college at the same time, (in another state). Our birthdays were a day apart. We had left the same religion. Things like that.
We were both new to yoga on the same trial plan and then signed up and seemed to prefer the same classes.
About a year in he told me I should take teacher training. He had just finished one and told me it would change my life. Neither of us wanted to teach yoga. We both had jobs teaching in our creative fields. He was a former broadway actor who taught singing, I was teaching art in a residency program at an elementary school.
He was right. I certified as a yoga instructor, never taught yoga, but ended up in Africa painting murals. My life was never the same after that.
We made a quick decision to move to Connecticut to help G’s aging parents. In the wake of the his brother’s passing and then aunt, his stepfather’s worsening emphysema, G would say he didn’t have a choice. He insisted that I did.
I decided to leave California and go with him. We are married so as much as he didn’t want to make me go, I felt it was important that we stick together.
Within a month, we had packed up and left our home of 25 years. Neither of us knew what to expect.
Some not so fun times followed.
There were months of less than comfortable circumstances. We spent long days at multiple hospitals. There were so many clashes, plus months of unusually cold rainy weather. (which for the NE, is saying something)
It was tough in so many directions and didn’t let up. Just a long stretch of hard.
Here’s the silver lining
I learned some important lessons. I learned that I didn’t have to understand anyone or anything or even have anything go my way in order for me to keep my heart open. I learned how to control my own energy under some of the least favorable conditions. I learned to be quiet and let everyone and everything be. I learned how to find joy and stay positive no matter what any day brought (often quietly to myself). Some of my best moments were from the hardest days when I managed to keep my own spirit upbeat or rallied and came back from a downward spiral.
There was pending death, lengthy and mistake ridden emergency room visits, the oddest conflicts over so many surprising situations, then actual death. If it was something we couldn’t plan for, it happened. If it could be planned, it changed. Emotions ran high.
This time, as we journey back across the country after our lovely CA reprieve, there is a little more knowing of what to expect
This time, I understand that my mood is up to me. My energy is my own business (as is every one else’s, THIER business). I understand that I don’t have to wait for a good moment to feel good. I learned how not to be a victim of my circumstances.
These were big lessons.
I felt and saw the advantages of staying calm and letting things go.
I had ample opportunity to practice and as tough as it was, I’m truly grateful for the understanding that I gained.
Learning and practicing energetic awareness under those conditions was my boot camp. Learning to focus on and regulate my energy was an odd gift
In the past I mostly tried to hold on until things shifted and got better.
Living in perpetual negatively and daily stress felt like I had no options. News went on at six am. Problem after problem strung together into a constant loop of discontent. The days were just so long.
But I managed. I got better at catching myself earlier and earlier, I got better at getting back to fine. I even got to feeling better than fine. By the time we left, I felt like I had cracked the code.
Thoughts of returning are all over the place.
Still, as we journey back across the county, I’m feeling less confident. I’m out of practice and slipping back to worry filled sleeplessness.
I find myself falling into dread over going back. Big waves of dread and fear.
Hmmm
I guess,
I wonder how this is going to work out really well for me.
One thing I loved was that when I hung out with Rose the other day, it was for as long of a time as possible. We all left it up to Rose (or bedtime).
She texted in the morning, she was dressed and waiting at 7am! Nice to be five minutes away.
I picked her up, right away she chose what we would have for supper. The whole day fell together bit by bit. We had breakfast, we shopped. We painted, we watched a show, we played cards, we did a craft that we saw on Pinterest, we made cucumber sandwiches and tea for lunch. She wrote a whole story about the giant swan painting that was at the moment overpowering my living room. She decided we needed to make an activity basket.
We met Grandpa G at storage. Rose picked out a few things and wanted to see the outfit I wore as a baby. In the box, we also found a necklace I wore at her age, I found a necklace that was given to me when I was four. We wore our new (old) necklaces home.
After our BLTs, G insisted on gelato. We luckily returned her home in plenty of time.
When the kids were little I would happily babysit for hours, we kept so busy, the time always flew by.
Our collaboration I love that we had to put the T next to our first names
Oh the open ended time to hang out with my favorite people. It’s the same with my daughter’s kids and my other son’s three year old. When I’m there, rules and lunch hours are flexible. Grown ups get time to get some things done, kids and I get to have fun. It’s a positive gift to get this open ended time with these guys.
Time is short. You blink and they grow up. I’m utterly thankful for every moment I get to spend with my grands!
Peace Kit 