I feel productive when my days are filled with flow-like work.
Our last few months in CA felt productive and fun because of the fast paced busy ness of doing multiple different art projects. Every day I was engaged. Every day was full.
The gallery shows, the gala collaborations, the staging, the commissions, team building art classes, plus painting all the time. A little staging. Oh and the meetings, I loved my important meetings in LaJolla, or in cool coffee houses over pastries or beer and tacos. Planning out lessons and making stuff happen. All my favorite ways to stay busy and feel accomplished and productive.
I once met a guy in yoga who had so many coincidental things in common with me that we had a lot of laughs as we found each one out. We went to the same college at the same time, (in another state). Our birthdays were a day apart. We had left the same religion. Things like that.
We were both new to yoga on the same trial plan and then signed up and seemed to prefer the same classes.
About a year in he told me I should take teacher training. He had just finished one and told me it would change my life. Neither of us wanted to teach yoga. We both had jobs teaching in our creative fields. He was a former broadway actor who taught singing, I was teaching art in a residency program at an elementary school.
He was right. I certified as a yoga instructor, never taught yoga, but ended up in Africa painting murals. My life was never the same after that.
We made a quick decision to move to Connecticut to help G’s aging parents. In the wake of the his brother’s passing and then aunt, his stepfather’s worsening emphysema, G would say he didn’t have a choice. He insisted that I did.
I decided to leave California and go with him. We are married so as much as he didn’t want to make me go, I felt it was important that we stick together.
Within a month, we had packed up and left our home of 25 years. Neither of us knew what to expect.
Some not so fun times followed.
There were months of less than comfortable circumstances. We spent long days at multiple hospitals. There were so many clashes, plus months of unusually cold rainy weather. (which for the NE, is saying something)
It was tough in so many directions and didn’t let up. Just a long stretch of hard.
Here’s the silver lining
I learned some important lessons. I learned that I didn’t have to understand anyone or anything or even have anything go my way in order for me to keep my heart open. I learned how to control my own energy under some of the least favorable conditions. I learned to be quiet and let everyone and everything be. I learned how to find joy and stay positive no matter what any day brought (often quietly to myself). Some of my best moments were from the hardest days when I managed to keep my own spirit upbeat or rallied and came back from a downward spiral.
There was pending death, lengthy and mistake ridden emergency room visits, the oddest conflicts over so many surprising situations, then actual death. If it was something we couldn’t plan for, it happened. If it could be planned, it changed. Emotions ran high.
This time, as we journey back across the country after our lovely CA reprieve, there is a little more knowing of what to expect
This time, I understand that my mood is up to me. My energy is my own business (as is every one else’s, THIER business). I understand that I don’t have to wait for a good moment to feel good. I learned how not to be a victim of my circumstances.
These were big lessons.
I felt and saw the advantages of staying calm and letting things go.
I had ample opportunity to practice and as tough as it was, I’m truly grateful for the understanding that I gained.
Learning and practicing energetic awareness under those conditions was my boot camp. Learning to focus on and regulate my energy was an odd gift
In the past I mostly tried to hold on until things shifted and got better.
Living in perpetual negatively and daily stress felt like I had no options. News went on at six am. Problem after problem strung together into a constant loop of discontent. The days were just so long.
But I managed. I got better at catching myself earlier and earlier, I got better at getting back to fine. I even got to feeling better than fine. By the time we left, I felt like I had cracked the code.
Thoughts of returning are all over the place.
Still, as we journey back across the county, I’m feeling less confident. I’m out of practice and slipping back to worry filled sleeplessness.
I find myself falling into dread over going back. Big waves of dread and fear.
Hmmm
I guess,
I wonder how this is going to work out really well for me.
One thing I loved was that when I hung out with Rose the other day, it was for as long of a time as possible. We all left it up to Rose (or bedtime).
She texted in the morning, she was dressed and waiting at 7am! Nice to be five minutes away.
I picked her up, right away she chose what we would have for supper. The whole day fell together bit by bit. We had breakfast, we shopped. We painted, we watched a show, we played cards, we did a craft that we saw on Pinterest, we made cucumber sandwiches and tea for lunch. She wrote a whole story about the giant swan painting that was at the moment overpowering my living room. She decided we needed to make an activity basket.
We met Grandpa G at storage. Rose picked out a few things and wanted to see the outfit I wore as a baby. In the box, we also found a necklace I wore at her age, I found a necklace that was given to me when I was four. We wore our new (old) necklaces home.
After our BLTs, G insisted on gelato. We luckily returned her home in plenty of time.
When the kids were little I would happily babysit for hours, we kept so busy, the time always flew by.
Our collaboration I love that we had to put the T next to our first names
Oh the open ended time to hang out with my favorite people. It’s the same with my daughter’s kids and my other son’s three year old. When I’m there, rules and lunch hours are flexible. Grown ups get time to get some things done, kids and I get to have fun. It’s a positive gift to get this open ended time with these guys.
Time is short. You blink and they grow up. I’m utterly thankful for every moment I get to spend with my grands!
This painting came to me as I was reflecting on the folktale called ‘The Raven who stole the Light’.
It’s a pretty simple story, one that survived generations of retelling, but is packed with metaphors for everyone and anyone in all different stages and ages of life.
An old man has hidden the light causing all to live in constant darkness.
He hid it in boxes, one inside another like Russian stacking dolls. He hid it because he was afraid. He was afraid to see. He was afraid to know whether his daughter was beautiful or not. He was afraid of what either might mean. So he banished light for himself and everyone and everything in the world.
One day a clever Raven decided to steal the light from the man.
A long convoluted plan was carried out to trick the man and his heart into allowing each box to be opened, until light was returned to the world.
I decided to devote a chunk of time every morning to set up my mind (and heart) for a good day.
I’m working on setting up a routine of meditation and intention so I can get out ahead of myself. I change it up every few days, but I’m experimenting with my own energy, basically so I will keep my cool no matter what happens.
Im finding that if I do, I am more present, more intuitive, and can see things from different perspectives.
I have been able to keep my heart open, or quickly stop it from closing (because as I learned, nothing is worth closing my heart over) under some challenging conditions.
Oh the sagas of grown kids.
We are leaving California this week for Connecticut. It’s been a wild ride and I will miss everyone and all of it so much.
I want to continue my quest for calm confidence. For keeping my own peace, for feeling my own luckiness and love in the world.
So I decided to make a positive-seeking morning routine for myself.
I had the privilege of working alongside kids for this collaboration. After I explained the project and what it was going to be for, (Kids for Peace), each picked up a paintbrush and methodically followed directions to the T. Each gave a little pause and sent their peaceful intentions into their carefully created painting. Love infused art by children. Great kids, great project.
Peace Kit 