Right Now

Hospitals, man. A world within a world. It’s a little microcosm of busy ness. It’s so contained that it makes navigating a little easy. You go in, you figure out the laws of the land, you go in again and again, every day there are changes, but there’s a structure and a rhythm. We are all grateful for that.

A lot can change from one day to the next. I have to also be respectful of the other characters who I am in this surreal hospital world with. Oh and let’s not forget that no one is comfortable. It’s cold. There is way too much waiting. Way way way too much waiting.

So my worst part of today is the general feeling of being blamed for the extra waiting. Yes my worst discomfort is from my childhood. My adult brain understands how tension and stress make people upset and how blame does happen, but how do I end up in the role of blamee? Ugh.

I desperately want to avoid this happening again, but as I type, I realize there is no avoiding what I didn’t cause in the first place.

Probably my best recourse is to stay neutral, let it go. If I wasn’t intuitive, I would be oblivious. I only need to endure this chill for a little longer, but oh the waiting. The excruciating waiting.

Our patient was last on the roister today. A new doctor, more changes. While our patient is the same. Finally we were able to escape. My sensitive porousness feels the utter sadness. It’s no secret that it’s a sad space this CCU unit. No one visits the other rooms. It’s slowly starting to sink in that this might be more of a stay then they originally led us to believe. No one seems to know.

It’s been a day of dysregulation, more like a full week of it. l’m sipping warm tea and walking as much as possible. Breathing deep long breaths when I remember to. There is no predicting what tomorrow will bring. Is there ever?

A cooked meal, resolved drama, a warm bed, things to feel grateful for right now.

Re-live?

Is there an age or year of your life you would re-live?

Probably not. Especially if it’s exactly as it was without any more insight or awareness. Repeat it all exactly as it happened? Nah

I’d rather move forward. I have so many fond memories. Remembering is a nice way to revisit, but hmm. If I had to, I’d choose a summer at the cottage when I was around four or five. but not the rest of the year

Fascinated by past events? Who isn’t?

What historical event fascinates you the most?

It’s hard to chose ONE

I’m fascinated by history. I love a good story. I like hearing where conclusions come from. I’m fascinated by how a fact from one era is no longer a fact in another. We really don’t learn from history at least not as a society, but we kind of do. That is part of history too. We humans are fascinating history makers. Individually, collectively, personally, how did we get here? What happened a long the way? What do we conclude and why? All fascinating stuff! So many stories of triumph and tribulation. So many heroic acts. How do I chose just one?

Unexpected Shifting

The cold front did not move in as the weather man had predicted. New England weather can be tricky that way.

We had the gift of a beautiful sunny summer-like day. Our morning at the beach turned into a full day. I walked, G rode waves and I laid on a towel on the warm sand. It was bliss.

What a full and lovely day we had. How much do we appreciate these surprise breaks. Driving the gold and orange tree lined roads past one marina after another, jeep top down, music playing. We ate at out favorite restaurant in Mystic (you may have heard of the town. There was a movie called Mystic Pizza, not staring a young Julia Roberts). The Oyster Club is a sweet little restaurant with a James Beard nominated chef. Everything they make is amazing. It’s small and cozy inside, with a treehouse like roof dining out. Its food is only rivaled by its atmosphere.

How did what was going to be a cold rainy commute to the ER shift into this? No telling. But it did. Our patient was much improved and doing well, eating, and feeling better and better as the day went on. Updated every so often, we felt that all was well. He was outside enjoying the warm evening, talkative even, when we got back. The moon was full and bright,

When he went in to watch pregame coverage we walked down to the dock. A beautiful moonlit end to a beautiful day. The Bruins even won.

Then, suddenly

we woke up to a thud. Not a loud thud, but a thud. I think I heard some rattling of the door lock, before becoming fully awake to the thud.

Our patient was down. He needed assistance. It was a long adrenaline fueled night.We rested without sleeping after he was checked out and safely tucked back in bed.

The day included all of these things. We are here to help, it’s why we came. An element of difficulty has been added. A new measure of worry and uncertainty. Dysregulatiion can intensify stress. Some life circumstances intensify dysregulation, others help regulate. There is always shifting and changing. No telling what any day will bring.

A little node

What does it mean to be a kid at heart?

This prompt gives me the excuse to talk about the PCC node. The posterior cingulate cortex . It’s a tiny node in the center top of our brain. I first heard about it when I read Michael Pollan’s book ‘How to Change Your Mind’

I became a little obsessed because in learning about it’s existence and how it works, a few things were explained for me.

When we are born our PCC node is open and flexible. It controls our inhibitions, our optimism, our intuitive openness among other childlike qualities we have. As we age this node closes and becomes more ridged. During the teen years the closing is the most significant and obvious. That child lightness disappears for some people forever. Scientists have found that people on psychedelics and or alcohol, feel that little node open. A person might feel the lightness and childlike worry free wonder they did when they were young.

Before I learned about this node, I remember talking about how it was weird when I was going into the teen years I always felt so much younger than my peers. They were already smoking and talking like immature adults while I still wanted to make up games and get out my crayons. I would describe my brain as a brain that remained oddly open. Like it was supposed to close and be certain about things and it forgot to.

I never figured out why, but my brain seemed off. I struggled with routine and practical matters, but if there was ever a need for out of the box reasoning, Id excel. My brain has to be reminded that there even is a box. This can exasperate a lot of people. I try really hard to be respectful and polite but Impertinence happens. For a while I was labeled a dumb blonde and believed it. No one could explain how I got high grades or how I managed to get into the college I went to.

I will tell you this. I always have a different perspective on anything. I can’t help it. I relate better to my six and seven year old granddaughters then I do with most grownups. I might even have more respect for their opinions. Open mindedness feels like oxygen. When I meet other open minded people I relax. Extreme in-the-box thinking feels like a straight jacket to my brain. I realize this feels safe and good to others, so I recognize the importance of grown up thinking. I get it. Our brains are meant to specialize. They don’t need to wonder and question, as we age, they need to help us perform.

So I went along as a flawed Pipi Longstocking like grown up. I accepted it as much as I could. Found creative ways to work around my weak areas. Then one day I read about that node and decided that it was a weird gift. Mine closes sometimes but bounces back open. I’m not a kid at heart, I’m kid like in my brain thanks to a faulty node. It’s usually fun. I don’t mind it anymore.

Love

Describe a family member.

I love all these prompted answers! Rufus the dog reminded me of our beloved Stone. Grandmas and spouses, best friends and stepchildren. I love who we love.

I’m going to choose my first human grand because well, she changed me.

This little baby bounced into our lives with some measure of drama. Furry grand Stone was dropped off in the middle of the night with a note. Too many hours later, updates stopped, so I jumped in my car and drove to the hospital. Maternal grandmother Mae Mae had the same idea. We walked in from opposite directions at the exact moment.

Our little granddaughter tried to enter the world upside down. which is how she turned everyone else’s world, so it was about perfect. She arrived safely much to everyone’s relief. She has grown into one of the most unbelievably wonderful humans I have ever met. Hard not to be biased, but I can assure you, she is amazing. Loving, kind, thoughtful and wise beyond her years.

We have spent the last few days and nights inside another medical drama. A much sadder, stressful, every bit as affecting and life changing circumstance. I’m really too tired to have anything eloquent to say. Joy on one side of life, great sadness on the other. Loving family members…