The gravity of our current situation is punctuated with some unpredicted rain. I am pretty sure last nights forecast was for an unseasonably warm day…
It could still happen
My debit card could come in the mail today, I’ve called three times and they have checked the address and confirmed it was mailed out last Tuesday. I can not open a bank account here because I have no proof of residency. Yoga is on hold for that reason.
Everything is on hold so what difference does it make?
The prompt today was about what will my life look like in three years. Oh man I hope it looks better than this!
On almost every level I am uncomfortable. That’s all, just a tiny bit uncomfortable. Just a bit of discomfort…
It’s not so bad. Remember in the first Rocky movie when he was losing that last fight and somehow after his eyes swelled shut and he looked completely beat, he started saying that?
And he got a second wind and started bobbing around saying it’s not so bad Is not so bad.
Okay I’m being a tad over dramatic. But well it’s not so bad, I can take it. What’s a little discomfort?! There are worse things…it’s not soooo bad!
How to fill the hours before work? Waiting for the temperature to rise a little before I set out on my walk, I’ve turned my attention to the lovely things. (I’m a morning person just to remind you).
We left the hospital last night on a high note. That after many lows… On this beautiful sunny morning there is some open space for peace.
Last time I was at yoga, the instructor told us a story about these two brother gods who were fighting over who loved their parents more. The parent told the two to prove their love by racing around the world. The one brother had a fast companion animal to ride, but the other only had a tiny mouse. plus he was a multi armed elephant. The faster brother rushed off and was quickly out of sight. Gnesh ,the elephant guy on the mouse made a very small circle around his parents and thus completed the journey saying to his parents, you are my world.
What she told us this parable/story is saying, is that our worlds are actually really small. We are more effective when we concentrate on the tight circle we have right in front of us. Rather than go away from who and what we love and care for, we can love more efficiently everyone in our worlds now. I feel like this extends to our neighborhoods and communities.
Most of us can’t be on the other side of the world saving others, but we can love our children and teach them how to be respectful and show love. We can be kind and loving toward our neighbors. We can treat the people we know and see every day with respect and understanding and kindness,
I like this because as I get older, I see that Gandhi was right. We do have to be the change we want to see for the world. I see how me taking care of me, helps me be kinder to others. It allows me to remember that we all have dysregulated moments and helps me feel more compassion for everyone including myself. I have had a few go rounds with dysregulation lately and just the small act of asking myself what I think could help, has turned the tide enough for me to begin regulating.
Regulation. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s lack of permanence is sometimes hard. Everyone knows this, but the action of re regulating, can return to us in a moment.
This is what I would like to focus on and be grateful for on this November morning. I’m going to celebrate a beautiful window of regulation and wish you all one too!
Invent a holiday! Explain how and why everyone should celebrate.
My friend Jill has a non profit called Kids for Peace. Every January they do a kindness matters campaign with school children all across the world.
There is a checklist of kind acts, all thought of by kids. There are activities and celebrations. Photos and clips of kids doing kind things are shared by kids and teachers from hundreds of countries.
I once went to Washington DC with her to visit an official peace headquarters. We had a few kids, a couple of KfP representatives and the list. As we traveled we did the smallest kid thought of kind acts. The surprising affect it had on the many people we met was captivating. The smallest of kindnesses caused smiles everywhere we went.
I think it would be a great addition to our grown up calendars to have Kindness Matters day or month be a national holiday. I didn’t invent it but I think it’s a good idea.
Rarely do you see a Californian mow their own lawn. Yards tend to be small. There are drought resistant plants taking up portions of the space, but I’m not sure I know anyone with their own mower. It’s a service. We inherit a gardener from the people before us. Yard work is a business. There are professionals. It’s not about wealth, even the smallest of yards in every kind of neighborhood has a gardener. Even people who garden, have someone.
Here on the East coast it is not at all unusual to see an eighty- five year old home owner mowing their half acre lot. Grass grows easily here, so there is no shortage of it. Not everyone owns a riding lawnmower either. It’s November and cold, but still the grass needs to be mowed. I’m not able to tell when, I think it’s a weekly thing, but has to be worked in around the rain, so it’s not like every Tuesday. Even the time of day varies. The grass looks almost identical after as it does before. Up close you see the tell tale lines, from a distance, it’s the same. Okay for some lawns it looks greener and more tidy. Today we get to mow and rake leaves and I confess that it’s something I’m looking forward to.
I have memories of my father and most of the neighbor fathers out on a sunny Saturday morning mowing their lawns. This became established in my head as a male dominated activity. One that was followed by a cold beer and the rare moment of sitting in a lawn chair in the shade.
I remember the smell of cut grass. The peace around a happy satisfied father admiring his work. These are fond memories from my childhood.
Since arriving on this coast, I have yet to see a man operate a lawn mower. Is it the opposite of my childhood? Is this a female dominated chore nowadays?
When I first saw my mother-in-law mowing in her cute outfit and make up. Not a hair out of place, I tried to help. I could not believe everyone was okay with her doing this.. She seemed to have a particularly quick turn around. I think she mows every three days. I learned that it was a self propelled mulching mower so the effort was mostly in keeping up with it, but still.
On this chilly November morning I can see some neighbor women out mowing and mowing and mowing. It’s purposeful work. There seems to be some pride and joy in doing these kinds of things. I tried it. It wasn’t terrible. There are things no one tells you that everyone assumes you know, (they will have a good laugh as you learn and then share that laugh with anyone who missed the comical moment)
I miss California so much. The good feelings of peace I used to feel, I miss hearing the mowing sound, that fresh grassy smell, has now been replaced with a less comforting stress. Mowing has nearly lost its charm. I’m hoping that by combining it with raking fall leaves, I’ll rekindle some fun nostalgia. I know it’s a long shot.
I liked my California life.. I like the way I stayed busy. For some reason, and I know to others it’s odd, I felt my purpose ‘fit’ and my version of purposeful ness made sense. Here, I don’t know about anything.
I guess the mowing is yet another reminder of how much I wish I could go home. I wish I could BE home. I wish this segment of life could be a tiny bit less ungrounding. I am hungry for the nurturing, warmth of my own kitchen. Its exhausting being out of the loop on everything. It’s been a long week after many long long weeks of judgement and misunderstanding. This new development has cast a dark shadow and intensified everything.
It’s why we are here. I keep reminding myself of this, but man, it’s no cake walk. I knew it wouldn’t be,but yeah…
My favorite website at the moment is Tonya Leigh’s SOSI. She wins hands down for beauty, user ease and over all generosity. She has amazing tech support and a strong mission. I always appreciate how comforting and helpful her content is.
Hospitals, man. A world within a world. It’s a little microcosm of busy ness. It’s so contained that it makes navigating a little easy. You go in, you figure out the laws of the land, you go in again and again, every day there are changes, but there’s a structure and a rhythm. We are all grateful for that.
A lot can change from one day to the next. I have to also be respectful of the other characters who I am in this surreal hospital world with. Oh and let’s not forget that no one is comfortable. It’s cold. There is way too much waiting. Way way way too much waiting.
So my worst part of today is the general feeling of being blamed for the extra waiting. Yes my worst discomfort is from my childhood. My adult brain understands how tension and stress make people upset and how blame does happen, but how do I end up in the role of blamee? Ugh.
I desperately want to avoid this happening again, but as I type, I realize there is no avoiding what I didn’t cause in the first place.
Probably my best recourse is to stay neutral, let it go. If I wasn’t intuitive, I would be oblivious. I only need to endure this chill for a little longer, but oh the waiting. The excruciating waiting.
Our patient was last on the roister today. A new doctor, more changes. While our patient is the same. Finally we were able to escape. My sensitive porousness feels the utter sadness. It’s no secret that it’s a sad space this CCU unit. No one visits the other rooms. It’s slowly starting to sink in that this might be more of a stay then they originally led us to believe. No one seems to know.
It’s been a day of dysregulation, more like a full week of it. l’m sipping warm tea and walking as much as possible. Breathing deep long breaths when I remember to. There is no predicting what tomorrow will bring. Is there ever?
A cooked meal, resolved drama, a warm bed, things to feel grateful for right now.
Is there an age or year of your life you would re-live?
Probably not. Especially if it’s exactly as it was without any more insight or awareness. Repeat it all exactly as it happened? Nah
I’d rather move forward. I have so many fond memories. Remembering is a nice way to revisit, but hmm. If I had to, I’d choose a summer at the cottage when I was around four or five. but not the rest of the year
I’m fascinated by history. I love a good story. I like hearing where conclusions come from. I’m fascinated by how a fact from one era is no longer a fact in another. We really don’t learn from history at least not as a society, but we kind of do. That is part of history too. We humans are fascinating history makers. Individually, collectively, personally, how did we get here? What happened a long the way? What do we conclude and why? All fascinating stuff! So many stories of triumph and tribulation. So many heroic acts. How do I chose just one?
The cold front did not move in as the weather man had predicted. New England weather can be tricky that way.
We had the gift of a beautiful sunny summer-like day. Our morning at the beach turned into a full day. I walked, G rode waves and I laid on a towel on the warm sand. It was bliss.
What a full and lovely day we had. How much do we appreciate these surprise breaks. Driving the gold and orange tree lined roads past one marina after another, jeep top down, music playing. We ate at out favorite restaurant in Mystic (you may have heard of the town. There was a movie called Mystic Pizza, not staring a young Julia Roberts). The Oyster Club is a sweet little restaurant with a James Beard nominated chef. Everything they make is amazing. It’s small and cozy inside, with a treehouse like roof dining out. Its food is only rivaled by its atmosphere.
How did what was going to be a cold rainy commute to the ER shift into this? No telling. But it did. Our patient was much improved and doing well, eating, and feeling better and better as the day went on. Updated every so often, we felt that all was well. He was outside enjoying the warm evening, talkative even, when we got back. The moon was full and bright,
When he went in to watch pregame coverage we walked down to the dock. A beautiful moonlit end to a beautiful day. The Bruins even won.
Then, suddenly
we woke up to a thud. Not a loud thud, but a thud. I think I heard some rattling of the door lock, before becoming fully awake to the thud.
Our patient was down. He needed assistance. It was a long adrenaline fueled night.We rested without sleeping after he was checked out and safely tucked back in bed.
The day included all of these things. We are here to help, it’s why we came. An element of difficulty has been added. A new measure of worry and uncertainty. Dysregulatiion can intensify stress. Some life circumstances intensify dysregulation, others help regulate. There is always shifting and changing. No telling what any day will bring.
Peace Kit 