Life gives us these

What’s the biggest risk you’d like to take — but haven’t been able to?

The risk is real. I’m looking over my print estimate and trying to make a decision. It’s both huge and inconsequential. How many copies to order…

I’m here. Miles away from my friends and family. Questioning. Most of the time I know it’s the right thing. Ten percent of the time I’m questioning sanity, everyone’s, our situation, everything…Some factors are tough, yet risk appears to be a given.

The word “haven’t” suggests that it’s still a possibility. The word “like” means it’s attached to a want. For me, in my life right now, it means it’s likely. I see that risk will be taken because why not? I have little left to lose. This is what I’m working towards. This is where I am.

Life has its nudges and it’s pulls. Sometimes there are very apparent pushes. Tomorrow is a day that will determine some things. I’m still researching print options, that risk isn’t dire, but the other, is.

What options will there be for late stage emphysema with newly found complications? What will the oncologist have to present at the appointment? How will denial continue to reign?

I sense the intensity of everything amping up. Tensions have already flared. A level of ‘OCD’ I’ve not seen before has stepped in. I find myself standing back, watching, wondering, trying to understand, being as respectful as I can be. I’ve learned this one thing, being helpful in the situation is less about taking over and doing, and more about letting go and allowing others to do what they need to do..

My actions are around staying busy. Keeping myself regulated. Standing to the side while a family comes to terms with some harsh things. The fallout of past risks taken, is upon all of us now. More so tomorrow, but today has enough to contend with. Even the simplest life is full of complications. We are all doing the best we know to do.

I can only hope our best will meet well with the worst. It’s the most anyone can hope for. Risks or no risks, there will always be some. Why not take the risks we want to take. Life is shorter then it seems.

Standing firmly with me

What have you been working on?

I have been enjoying all the answers to this prompt. Lots of good work is going on out there. I wish you all the best of luck, keep going, keep expressing and contributing. Let your work evolve you.

Back in January, Tonya Leigh put out an online workshop. It was all about setting an extraordinary goal. One. Your one goal had to be something big, something you didn’t even believe you could accomplish. Something that scared you a little. Something that you would have to become a future evolved version of yourself to work on. She told us it didn’t matter if you met your goal as much as who you would become by working on it.

I chose to finish my book. At the time I had a good start, but sort of gave up and sold some of the illustrations. I didn’t have time or extra finances for a frivolous endeavor. We had come out of the pandemic years much worse for wear. My published book was sitting in boxes in storage, it’s momentum halted. I had lost interest in social media after hearing so many heart breaking stories about young teens getting their self worth trampled on the internet I had had some weird jabs myself.

There was a lot going on that made working on another book seem partly silly and party impossible. I feared that due to the way things went with Peaceful Hearts, that my family would try to dissuade me. I knew I wasn’t going to be supported, I even knew there would be some loud silence and even some discouraging reminders of my ‘failure’.

I was going to have to become someone who didn’t care about all of that. I would have to suspend what my husband would call, reality, as I painted colorful butterfly paintings, one after the other. I was going to have to live partly outside of several very real uncomfortable circumstances.

At first I worked in secret. I hid everything behind the couch. I said nothing to anyone until I needed to drag my computer out of storage and find a place for it. I somehow played it down, but managed to get all the illustrations photographed and uploaded.

Tonya was right. I evolved. I now, truly do not care what anyone thinks about whether I should be writing a children’s picture book or not. I somehow no longer care what opinions people want to have about me and how I live my life. I am unapologetic about being an artist, a writer and a designer. I can’t help that I know exactly how to clear a space and make it look good, anymore than others can’t see what to remove or add. Why be embarrassed by what I happen to be good at or genuinely love doing?

I had someone look at Beatrix and wonder if the words were too hard for kids to understand. This was an older person who had limited interaction with children. Chrysalis is the correct term, Children don’t want to be patronized with easier not accurate language anymore than anyone does. I did not spend one second wondering about this.

I am on the computer for huge amounts of time now. Huge. I’m in another odd situation. Wide open for judgement. Not caring! Really not caring.

I am politely trying to understand crowded surfaces brimming with Knick knacks, jumbled furniture and thread bare towels, while being quite judged for being me. I remind myself that this is just part of the journey. I can turn around and judge back, but why? We all have our reasons. The one thing that Tonya says a lot, is that if you like your reasons, do it! I know they like their reasons and I respect that. All I have to do is like mine. And I do.

Lazy Dazy

Do lazy days make you feel rested or unproductive?

I can go either way. I love a busy productive day, but too many in a row and I relish a do nothing stay in bed late sort of day. We are generally up and out the door by 7 or 7:30 so lounging until late, can feel so luxurious. I also love a stay at home slow cooking, puttering with nothing pressing to do day. I get my best thinking or painting or creating done on those days. I haven’t had one in a while so it sounds lovely…

I need a balance. Too much laziness and I get feeling stir crazy and then I might even get a depressed.

“Never give in. never never never never”- Churchill

When you think of the word “successful,” who’s the first person that comes to mind and why?

For me the question is not so much who is the most successful person I think of. (Elon maybe) there’s more to it

When I think of the word successful” hmm…Let’s see…success. ‘Successful’

Lately success has been less about an ultimate end result and more about small victories. Defining success can include a lot of variables. There are a lot of parents out there, who get up day after day, against so many odds, to raise small humans. That’s a feat.

Today, I think I’m going to say Thomas Edison because he’s the most famous for not giving up. Most people have heard his story, it must have elements of truth. I know he’s not the only one who had to push past failure after failure to bring his idea to life. His story is meant to be encouraging Failure, they say is a big part of the road to success. That’s a nice thing for me to know.

A much better way to say it

A Kind Word..

What makes a good neighbor?

Kindness

In words, in gestures, in patience, in compassion, with love. One blogger suggested we give our neighbors lots of chances to warm up and feel comfortable enough to wave. We just don’t know what others are going through. Lots of chances sounds generous and loving. I like picturing these chance-giving neighbors.

Try? Wait. What did Yoda say?

What could you try for the first time?

I’m going to try for success. Im going to try out all these new things. I’m going to succeed at this new adventure. That.

The blog, the book, the new East coast me.. I’m going to um…yeah… succeed! Give it all a test drive. Why not?

This quote from McKenna at Spinning Visions is so perfect. Check out her brilliant blog.
A big thank you to Mathew@Crowsfault who said it first.

3 Ps

What principles define how you live?

I’m dedicating this post to my best friend Wendi whose birthday was this month, but who passed away far too soon. I miss her everyday.

She and I bonded over our individual quests to somehow figure out life. We read, we studied, we signed up, we listened. After her diagnosis, when things really didn’t make sense and only bits and pieces of things we’d learned could be applied, she found the Three Principles.

Together we drove up to LA to listen to a guy named Michael Neil. She had researched this and I hadn’t. I came along as her skeptical side kick. We arrived at the same time and met in the parking garage, and even rode the elevator with, the featured speaker, Michael himself. This sort of Seinfeld moment/serendipity was a common Wendi thing. Years later we would all laugh at that first encounter. She said something like, I have your same credentials, I could do what you’re doing. He sort of chuckled in his good natured way and agreed, even though the first part of our conversation was about how we barely understood what these three principles even were.

Wendy did become a trained Three P coach, a good one. Here are the principles:

1) There is an infinite intelligence that runs things. Sun comes up, acorns turn into oak trees, herds get to water holes after they fill with seasonal rain. The day changes every year, but somehow the animals know. There’s an energy and an orchestration and we are all part of it.

2) We have the ability to become aware of ourselves. We can come out of our own thoughts and notice ourselves thinking. I think it’s called being conscious or maybe conscious awareness.

3) Everything is thought. Everything we see or hear or are in any way aware of, started as thought and remains in the category of thought. We experience as thought. Thought is a creative substance from which everything originates

As our day in LA progressed, there was a conflict Wendi was on her phone trying to straighten out. It had to do with one of her kids and it was getting her agitated. That, on top of what sounded like a lot of talking in circles about these elusive principles.

At some point I raised my hand and was answered simply. I somehow let go of my thoughts and I got a tiny glimpse of what they were trying to explain. It was an experience of calm understanding and peace around a topic I had had concerns about for years.

Wendi got nothing. She was still involved in the heated argument with what ever coach and was further angered that she still didn’t know what the 3 Ps even were.

Wendi being Wendi, only doubled down on her study. She went to an island in Washington to learn more. Eventually she earned certification and became really good at helping people through major life events by explaining these principles.

Michael will tell you that the principles aren’t complicated, we all have a knowing of them and like gravity, they just are. I think he’s the one who said it’s like putting a glass of sand and water swirled together down. If it gets a chance to settle, the water like our thoughts will become clear.

I googled ‘principles’ for this prompt question before I remembered. You know that stage babies go through where they drop everything and watch it fall? Experts say they are learning about gravity and trying it out. I might be still in that phase with these

Just like things always fall down (never up), these principles do prove themselves over and over to me. Maybe like the baby I’m still wondering if there might be an exception ? Or sometimes I just forget and have to be re reminded…

Anyway, sorry this is so long. Enjoy your Monday. If you’re curious about these 3 Ps, Michael Neil is on youtube or you can google him.

Monsters?

What have you been putting off doing? Why?

Shall I make a list?

I’ll stick to this one project. I want to find a printer who can print as nice a copy of Beatrix as the printer in California did. Why haven’t I yet? I’m worried.

Will it be expensive? Will I like the quality? Will it be difficult to explain what I want to them? Will they be able to upload it? Will I be able to send the file? I’m just writing randomly here.

I also need to put a new card on Etsy and pay my delinquent twenty cents. ( yes $.20 !) What if someone really bought a book? Would I know what to do? Will I get it in the mail in the right amount of time?

I want to try that Blaze thing. I told myself after I did 20 posts I’d do it, maybe when I write something ‘good’, maybe when my website looks better, maybe when I feel like I know what I’m doing…

I want to add this to Instagram and Facebook. At least I think I do. Do I have thick enough skin? How will I be when people don’t like me or my book and/or both? One time some well meaning person (who I’d known for a long time) wrote in the Facebook comments something about me having no self esteem. Whether or not it was true at the time, I was utterly embarrassed and blocked her. I felt bad but yeah…

Isn’t it always some kind of fear causing me to procrastinate? After writing out what I think I’m afraid of, I see that I can probably talk myself through most of these easily. Nothing is too scary here.

Again this has been a good exercise. I like figuring out this whole thing as I go. Taking a moment to pause and consider what might be in my way has been helpful.

When I was a kid I was afraid there was something scary under my bed. I would stand against the wall on my bed and take a running leap to jump as far across the room away from my bed as I could. I was sure that whatever I was afraid of would try to grab my ankle. One time on my way back to bed after jumping and going to the bathroom, standing inside my doorway planning my leap back onto my bed, I did the unthinkable.

I turned on the light. The switch was right there, I had to reach up, but it was for me, at five, an act of utter defiance and bravery. My parents ran a tight ship. When your light was turned off you were not allowed to turn it on. We had no night lights. If you weren’t sleeping you were pretending to sleep. It was just the way it was. I boldly flipped that switch and walked over to my bed, and LOOKED UNDER IT!

How many long nights did I lie there fearing, waiting until I had no choice but to leap that leap? Maybe I was still four. I don’t remember, but I can clearly picture what was under my bed that night. And more importantly, what was not!

Thanks for helping me sort some things out! Who cares if someone thinks I have no self esteem? I do so? I’ve figured out a lot to get this far. I can trust. I can find a printer. It’s all working out perfectly… is what I’m telling myself today…