Unexpected Shifting

The cold front did not move in as the weather man had predicted. New England weather can be tricky that way.

We had the gift of a beautiful sunny summer-like day. Our morning at the beach turned into a full day. I walked, G rode waves and I laid on a towel on the warm sand. It was bliss.

What a full and lovely day we had. How much do we appreciate these surprise breaks. Driving the gold and orange tree lined roads past one marina after another, jeep top down, music playing. We ate at out favorite restaurant in Mystic (you may have heard of the town. There was a movie called Mystic Pizza, not staring a young Julia Roberts). The Oyster Club is a sweet little restaurant with a James Beard nominated chef. Everything they make is amazing. It’s small and cozy inside, with a treehouse like roof dining out. Its food is only rivaled by its atmosphere.

How did what was going to be a cold rainy commute to the ER shift into this? No telling. But it did. Our patient was much improved and doing well, eating, and feeling better and better as the day went on. Updated every so often, we felt that all was well. He was outside enjoying the warm evening, talkative even, when we got back. The moon was full and bright,

When he went in to watch pregame coverage we walked down to the dock. A beautiful moonlit end to a beautiful day. The Bruins even won.

Then, suddenly

we woke up to a thud. Not a loud thud, but a thud. I think I heard some rattling of the door lock, before becoming fully awake to the thud.

Our patient was down. He needed assistance. It was a long adrenaline fueled night.We rested without sleeping after he was checked out and safely tucked back in bed.

The day included all of these things. We are here to help, it’s why we came. An element of difficulty has been added. A new measure of worry and uncertainty. Dysregulatiion can intensify stress. Some life circumstances intensify dysregulation, others help regulate. There is always shifting and changing. No telling what any day will bring.

A little node

What does it mean to be a kid at heart?

This prompt gives me the excuse to talk about the PCC node. The posterior cingulate cortex . It’s a tiny node in the center top of our brain. I first heard about it when I read Michael Pollan’s book ‘How to Change Your Mind’

I became a little obsessed because in learning about it’s existence and how it works, a few things were explained for me.

When we are born our PCC node is open and flexible. It controls our inhibitions, our optimism, our intuitive openness among other childlike qualities we have. As we age this node closes and becomes more ridged. During the teen years the closing is the most significant and obvious. That child lightness disappears for some people forever. Scientists have found that people on psychedelics and or alcohol, feel that little node open. A person might feel the lightness and childlike worry free wonder they did when they were young.

Before I learned about this node, I remember talking about how it was weird when I was going into the teen years I always felt so much younger than my peers. They were already smoking and talking like immature adults while I still wanted to make up games and get out my crayons. I would describe my brain as a brain that remained oddly open. Like it was supposed to close and be certain about things and it forgot to.

I never figured out why, but my brain seemed off. I struggled with routine and practical matters, but if there was ever a need for out of the box reasoning, Id excel. My brain has to be reminded that there even is a box. This can exasperate a lot of people. I try really hard to be respectful and polite but Impertinence happens. For a while I was labeled a dumb blonde and believed it. No one could explain how I got high grades or how I managed to get into the college I went to.

I will tell you this. I always have a different perspective on anything. I can’t help it. I relate better to my six and seven year old granddaughters then I do with most grownups. I might even have more respect for their opinions. Open mindedness feels like oxygen. When I meet other open minded people I relax. Extreme in-the-box thinking feels like a straight jacket to my brain. I realize this feels safe and good to others, so I recognize the importance of grown up thinking. I get it. Our brains are meant to specialize. They don’t need to wonder and question, as we age, they need to help us perform.

So I went along as a flawed Pipi Longstocking like grown up. I accepted it as much as I could. Found creative ways to work around my weak areas. Then one day I read about that node and decided that it was a weird gift. Mine closes sometimes but bounces back open. I’m not a kid at heart, I’m kid like in my brain thanks to a faulty node. It’s usually fun. I don’t mind it anymore.

Love

Describe a family member.

I love all these prompted answers! Rufus the dog reminded me of our beloved Stone. Grandmas and spouses, best friends and stepchildren. I love who we love.

I’m going to choose my first human grand because well, she changed me.

This little baby bounced into our lives with some measure of drama. Furry grand Stone was dropped off in the middle of the night with a note. Too many hours later, updates stopped, so I jumped in my car and drove to the hospital. Maternal grandmother Mae Mae had the same idea. We walked in from opposite directions at the exact moment.

Our little granddaughter tried to enter the world upside down. which is how she turned everyone else’s world, so it was about perfect. She arrived safely much to everyone’s relief. She has grown into one of the most unbelievably wonderful humans I have ever met. Hard not to be biased, but I can assure you, she is amazing. Loving, kind, thoughtful and wise beyond her years.

We have spent the last few days and nights inside another medical drama. A much sadder, stressful, every bit as affecting and life changing circumstance. I’m really too tired to have anything eloquent to say. Joy on one side of life, great sadness on the other. Loving family members…

Not sure

What’s the opposite of being in control? Hint:it’s not being out of control.

Sometimes it’s a quiet acceptance. A surrender to the universe. A simple acceptance of uncertainty.

There is a significant amount of uncertainty in anyone’s life. Habit and routine might balance out what can not be planned, but some days or times feel particularly rudderless.

We did have a pre-emptive knowing that things would change. I guess we need a few days to reel. Did the weather know? Why is it suddenly 29 degrees? Do I really have to scrape my windshield? Wasn’t I just walking on the beach? How can I be spending today in CCU after the few days of issues that led us there. They have given us enough information so that we kind of know what to expect for at least part of this day…

It’s relative though. We left feeling pretty confident of the status quo the first night, Only to have everything change drastically. My mind should not try to predict. With so many variables there are just too many possibilities for what today might hold.

I don’t know what to focus on. It’s too cold to work on the computer in my attic space . It’s too cold to work outside. Yoga is off the table for now. Oh my. Hard to know how to bouy myself. I guess a freezing walk? Ugh.

At the very least, I know enough to take care of myself. Even if I feel it’s a bit of an imposition and I’ve not yet decided what exactly to do. I have one hour before visiting hours…

Well

How much would you pay to go to the moon?

Some things are more visually appealing from a far. The moon was beautiful last night, full and bright, hanging low in the sky.

The pictures I’ve seen of moon landings don’t entice me. Looks like a lot of dirt and rocks. Though pictures of the views of earth from the moon are spectacular, there’s some pull there, but I pass. It’s one journey I can live without taking. So my answer is zero.

I couldn’t say how much they’d have to pay me to go. Probably a lot.

Who did I think I was?!

What alternative career paths have you considered or are interested in?

Photographer. I was sure I wanted to be a wildlife photographer for National Geographic.

At seventeen I started college as a journalism major and guess what I found out?

I didn’t like writing. I had no typing skill, the deadlines freaked me out and I thought there would be more emphasis on photography. There was actually none. Looking back, I can laugh a little at my young self. If you don’t know, a wildl life photographer spends hours (which turn into days and weeks even months) staying perfectly still waiting for a perfect shot. In the middle of nowhere, aka the wilderness. I can barely camp for a full night, which I think of as enduring, not as many think of it, as fun. I have no sense of direction. Without maps on my phone I can get lost on back streets behind my own home. (not an exaggeration, you can ask my kids or G who if you do, will just pitch his eyebrows in exasperation)

Not to mention the patient sitting part. Okay right there, not me. I can’t sit through an entire sporting event. I mean I can, but again its an act of utter endurance. I know this now because I have been forced to politely sit through many long baseball games. Where at my own home I can stay happily busy while G watches the Celtics, (I even like the sound in the back ground, I watch a little here and there, I get to know the team characters (players, coaches etc) Here, you must sit on the couch and politely watch as nothing happens for literally hours.

It’s become my time for writing this blog! Still the sitting… .

I love animals, I love nature. I admire beautiful footage and amazing still shots, but wild life photographer was never going to be a dream career for me!

Let the people cook

What food would you say is your specialty?

My answer is both short and long. I don’t actually have a specific specialty food. I love to cook,

I grew up with a mom who could cook, but didn’t enjoy it over other tasks or household chores. I think that’s how a lot of people feel and I think its completely fine. Cooking can be messy and time consuming and even a little thankless, but the family needs to eat so someone has to step up an either order or cook something.

If you have someone who loves to cook, let them! Food tastes better when its made with love. Cooking is an art. Let your creativity have some fun, or give the gift to another. Some people don’t even know they are creative until they try.