Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.

There are so many things I’ve learned that would have been helpful earlier in my life. Conscious breathing comes to mind, but the one thing I’ve learned most recently, is about regulation.

I used to think that when a thing was ‘fixed’ it should stay fixed, forever. I’m not sure where this thinking came from. I, who sat at my Grandfathers side while he fixed lawn mower engines and mini bikes, pumps and boat motors, repeatedly. Somehow, I’m not sure why, I thought things should stay fixed.

Did you know that airplanes are off course much of the time? They need to constantly be redirected to stay on course. Some expensive car engines need to be finely tuned often. Musical instruments are constantly needing tuning. Nature is always adjusting.

I spent way too much of my life looking to be fixed, trying this, reading that, looking for a single solution that would make everything fall into place and make sense. And stay that way. Each time I fell back or became dysregulated, I would consider it a fail and start searching once again.

When I finally started to understand that it’s normal to fall in and out of balance. It’s fine to do so quite regularly, everything alive does (and so do things that aren’t). When I took this in, something like a light bulb went on for me. I was able see myself differently. I could see the world differently.

I’m a process person. I am generally involved in some project almost all of the time. There’s a goal of completion, for sure, but most of my time working is spent not in completion, which I love. It’s funny I never looked at it like this. I really believed that being in and out of balance or out of a regulated state was a problem. I had to get it solved and then it was supposed to stay solved.

Yes. It’s perfectly normal to be dysregulated. The goal was never to be regulated one hundred percent of the time. I wish I’d known that when I was younger.

I love knowing that ‘out’ is just as normal, if not more common, than ‘in’ when we’re talking about balance. It’s natural to seek it but it’s all a perfect process of everything going in and out, This is happening ALL of the time. Dysregulation isn’t bad, it’s just what happens. I can always be moving toward what feels better. Me and everything else in nature. If I’d known this when I was younger, I might have been easier on myself.

Today, I have better questions to ask myself when I’m feeling out of balance. I know that a dysregulated moment or day won’t last forever, and I know some things to do to change course so that I’m heading where I’d like to be heading. (Like an airplane). This is comforting information that may have been nice at a young age.

I guess maybe I’m making up for it with books about breathing and regulating. My latest book about Beatrix Butterfly is a metaphor on how every life stage is important. One stage can not be without the others. Not knowing this led me in so many interesting directions. Looking back, I guess not knowing was part of it.

What are your favorite types of foods?

Hard to choose…

I have a wide pallet. I love many different foods so to name favorites is going to challenge me.

Food is centering. Any event, any tradition, any custom or culture has a strong cuisine at its core. I personally relish this! How we eat, what we eat, how we prepare and serve our daily meals is one way to get to know ourselves and others. I love this question for all those reasons.

My favorite foods revolve around the season. I have always enjoyed food right from the garden. I’m inspired by the beautiful fruits and vegetables at a farmers market. This is how I cook. The other day we walked by a house with a box that said Free on it. A single perfect eggplant sat on the box. Immediately I thought: eggplant Parmesan! I dream of having a garden with so much bounty that I too can set out a box of perfection for free! (the other neighbors had left this one last item). I feel a little leap of happiness when I think of eating my version of this delicious dish. Even preparing it sounds fun to me.

The Autumn equinox is coming soon. With a hint of chill in the air, my mind turns to hearty soups and roasted root veggies. Slow roasting anything sounds wonderful. Apples and figs, squash, potatoes, hearty bolognese sauces, braised meat , carrots, onions, mushrooms, rich curries. Warm spices, hearty pies, ginger cookies. It’s time to celebrate the earth’s bounty and how better to celebrate than by feasting on delicious food!

Also chocolate. I LOVE chocolate. The richer the better. Just thinking about chocolate can change my mood. On this crisp cool day my crusty warm buttery chocolate bread pudding would be perfect. We usually save this dessert for a special occasion because it is special. Only the best brioche, butter and chocolate . Only the freshest eggs and cream will do. It’s simple to prepare. I always take one of the kids to help gather all the ingredients. I feel that you are never too young to debate which chocolate is superior. I wish for an occasion and a handful of people who LOVE chocolate and will throughly appreciate the delectable deliciousness of this warm from the oven, buttery, crunchy, gooey delight. A quality vanilla ice cream pairs nicely.

I guess my favorite foods are the ones that I’m feeling in the moment. On a hot summers day, I will devour a crisp salad, but today a cheesy frittata baked in a cast iron pan sounds heavenly.

How often do you walk or run?

Every day.

Lately, I’ve been walking most mornings on the boardwalk. Often I add a little run as I pass people. It’s a nice quick two and a half miles. It starts and ends in a hilly park with lovely trees. It makes me miss my friend every time I go. She and I used to walk the beach wall in California. Our fast paced four miles would go by quickly. We talked and walked and laughed as we sped along.

The other day I was changing my podcast and someone passed me.

Shirley and I pass people, fellow walkers never pass us. Bikes do, runners do, but I rarely see another fast walker. I sped up. I thought about and missed Shirley. It seemed like everybody else had friends to walk with that day. It’s harder to be motivated without my good friend. The distance feels longer without her.

I also have my on-the- beach-walking friends who I also miss terribly. This little posse’ of friends used our long walks to plan celebrations, solve problems and keep our vibrations high. We figured out digital yoga during the pandemic, kept our community strong and found so much to be thankful for. Whether two or sixth or eight of us were available, every walk included a moment to pause and take in our beautiful surroundings. This is a group that knows how to celebrate and laugh, and really take in and appreciate life. I miss them all so much.

I miss my people.

After dinner I’ve been walking with Gs mom. Sometimes the three of us go. It’s a nice stroll around the block past charming cottages jumbled together without fences. Sometimes we go as far as a pleasure beach. Neighbors are friendly, the sunset skies are beautiful, the evening air is refreshingly cool.

Walking is my favorite exercise. It’s my favorite way to connect with friends and family. It’s a good time to listen to music or a podcast. It’s a good way to explore a new place. I love my different walking times and places. I used to run. Occasionally I still do.

Do you see yourself as a leader?

In a word , no.

I do not see myself as a leader. I’m maybe a middle of the pack personality.

I grew up in a world where leaders were what you were supposed to want to be. Even now Instagram ads are wanting me to sign up to learn to coach. Honestly I have no desire to coach or lead anyone anywhere. I think I was taught that only leaders are successful, so of course I had to be a leader.

Its not my personality.

I watched an animal program recently that explained how there are three types of dogs in a pack. There are front of the pack lead animals, middle of the pack and back of the pack animals It showed how each has an important role to play. I identified with the middle group. They were the less serious, happy to be there, more apt to be playful group. I’d rather be that. In the dog world these are the dogs that get along well with others and aren’t fearful or ready to fight or challenge or be challenged.

My son had a dog like this once. His name was Stone. One time I saw him nose to nose with a skunk. He wagged his tail, he didn’t invade its space, he did not get sprayed. He was a very smart, easy going black lab who loved to play ball. If a smaller dog took his ball, he just let it. He seemed to understand that if he waited, his ball would come back to him and of course it did. Stone embodied calm confidence, but he wasn’t a leader.

I like that we are all different. I like that no one has to try to be someone they aren’t. I like admiring leaders while living out my own role. I like knowing that my contribution is every bit as important as every one else’s. Leaders change things up and get people to go in new directions. Leaders make history and become famous. They shoulder responsibility and stand out in front. I love reading about the lives of historic leaders. I am inspired by so many, but at the same time, I’m glad to be helping out, the best I can, in the neighborhood.

What’s your favorite word?

I’m the kind of person who changes out favorite things often. It’s partly why I don’t have a tattoo. I can never settle on one favorite ‘anything’ for life.

I also have a tendency to become temporarily obsessed with things and they become my favorite ‘everything’ for a period of time. I always move on, and sometimes hardly recognize the person I used to be (who loved unicorns for example). While I’m obsessed, I can’t seem to shut up about it. I read Anna Karenina a few years ago and people who knew me then might roll their eyes a little if the book comes up in conversation. Even now.

My favorite word for the moment is regulation.

I like that it’s one simple word that says it all. Abraham Hicks calls it ‘being in the vortex.‘ some call it being in a ‘flow state’. Being regulated means being in a calm, confident, relaxed, open, receptive easy going mind space. In this state a person is approachable, teachable, and easy to be with. Heart rate and breathing are steady and slowed. There is a peaceful energy in and around people in this state. When I’m in it I learn faster, enjoy more, try harder, feel more optimistic and generally better than when I’m not.

Regulation’s evil twin ‘dysregulation’ is my second favorite word. Basically the complete opposite, it sums up the feeling of terrible.

Armed with these two terms I don’t need evidence or reasons. I feel no need to explain myself. It’s a term with zero judgement. Either I’m enjoying being in a regulated state or I’m not.

If not, I know some things that will re regulate me.

So much simpler then having my little human brain figure out why or how or what…

Even just working on my book slows down my breathing and sets me back toward regulation. I have to read about Beatrix breathing over and over and over to edit it and somehow the message gets across to my brain. This happened with editing ‘Peaceful Hearts’ as well.

This is why conscious breathing is so powerful. It’s the simplest tool I have. I’ve heard people say they need to do more than take a deep breath to calm down, but have they tried several? It might be simple but it’s not always easy to sit quietly and focus on your own breath for a time. Regular practice makes it easier.

Regulation. It’s worth it. It’s worth trying lots of things. Breathing is just one thing that I’ve found works for me.